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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Blough · 30/09/2023 09:59

I’d already have plans.
If you chose to say yes to being godparents you’d have to go, surely?

UncleHerbie · 30/09/2023 09:59

Your luck is in …

“Can someone serve as godparent by proxy (stand-in) if the godparent is unable to participate in the baptism ceremony? If a godparent cannot attend the baptism ceremony, a proxy can stand in the place of the missing godparent. The name of that person will be entered as “proxy” in the Sacramental Record Book.”

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 10:00

Send DH, he can be a god father to his relative, and you get to stay home.

Sirzy · 30/09/2023 10:01

Is the wedding your husbands side of the family or yours?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2023 10:02

Bloody hell op it’s your niece. You’re a godparent. Yes you have to go.

why is the wedding “must go” and the christening not? Is it because the wedding is your family.

sorry but YABU

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 10:03

I personally only ever chose blood relatives for god parents, as a couple could get divorced, so the child could never see their god parent again.

monicagellerbing · 30/09/2023 10:03

@Sirzy she says in the OP it's her husbands niece. You can guarantee the wedding she 'has' to go to though is on her side of the family!

YeahNoYeah · 30/09/2023 10:03

Lots and lots of excuses

lanthanum · 30/09/2023 10:04

UncleHerbie · 30/09/2023 09:59

Your luck is in …

“Can someone serve as godparent by proxy (stand-in) if the godparent is unable to participate in the baptism ceremony? If a godparent cannot attend the baptism ceremony, a proxy can stand in the place of the missing godparent. The name of that person will be entered as “proxy” in the Sacramental Record Book.”

Interesting - it looks that might vary between denominations:
https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/christening-faqs#na

Christening FAQs | The Church of England

Now that christenings are possible again, you can contact a church and begin to make plans. These are some of the questions you might have.

https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/christening-faqs#na

Catlover77 · 30/09/2023 10:04

Why would you consider being a godparent if you are not religious?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:06

My husband was asked and he agreed. I did actually say to him I don't think we can be and he said its fine you don't need to be religious.
I think the whole christening thing when the parents aren't even religious is ridiculous to be honest.
Maybe I should have said no...

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:07

Yes it is my sister's wedding.
It has been booked for two years.
The christening was arranged about a month ago.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/09/2023 10:10

i think not going to the christening but going to the wedding sends a clear message about which side of the family matters then.

book somewhere to break up the trip if needed but if you want your children to have relationships with the whole family not just your side you need to make the effort for both sides.

how long things have been booked is irrelevant

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/09/2023 10:11

If your husband has agreed and wants to be god parent, let him just be god father and go the the christening alone or with the kids and you stay home if you cant face the journey.

If you arent going to go, I'd politely turn down being god mother and let them find someone else.

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:12

"You don't need to be religious to promise before God to help bring up a child in the Christian faith".

I've heard it all now.

I hate christenings that are done for the party aspect and not the religion aspect. No one would turn up to a synagogue and say they want a Bat Mitzvah for their daughter but they're not Jewish. Yet Christianity seems fair game.

Don't go, OP. You (and they) are making a mockery of the whole service. Your realise you have to say that you believe and trust in God, right? How hypocritical to say it in a church, amongst those who do believe, and not believe a word.

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 10:14

YABU for doing it as you're a non believer and so are they. But it's a bit late for that now.

Christening isn't just a for the sake of it party you agree to ensure the child is raised christian.

At the end of the Christening the child will be told

Do not be ashamed to confess the
faith of Christ crucified.
Fight valiantly as a disciple of
Christ against sin, the world and
the devil, and remain faithful to
Christ to the end of your life.

they aren't just words to believers.

But you've agreed to go now and so im not sure how you get out of making a mockery of this. You could forget your sisters wedding instead? Oh no that's your family and matter more of course.

Nopenott0day · 30/09/2023 10:15

They are making a mockery out of religion. What's the point of getting baptised if you are not going to follow it?

And why did you say yes to being godparents if you don't believe?

gotomomo · 30/09/2023 10:16

@StaySpicy

Plenty of non observant Jews do though, for cultural reasons. It's no different to non observant Christians. If you are an atheist it would be weird I grant you but the vast majority of people in Britain are agnostic/non observant

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:17

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:12

"You don't need to be religious to promise before God to help bring up a child in the Christian faith".

I've heard it all now.

I hate christenings that are done for the party aspect and not the religion aspect. No one would turn up to a synagogue and say they want a Bat Mitzvah for their daughter but they're not Jewish. Yet Christianity seems fair game.

Don't go, OP. You (and they) are making a mockery of the whole service. Your realise you have to say that you believe and trust in God, right? How hypocritical to say it in a church, amongst those who do believe, and not believe a word.

I agree with you.

I said this to my husband.

He said it's fine. I feel like, because it's his niece I didn't have the say in it but you are right. It does feel weird and wrong..and really pointless.

This is why it feels like huge effor for something that doesn't mean anything to anyone involved.

The wedding does mean something and yes funnily enough my own family means more than my in laws. I'm sure that's the case for everyone. We saw them a couple of months ago so it isn't like I deprive my children of visiting their family. I have no problem with them. I like them I just don't want to travel for this.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 30/09/2023 10:17

gotomomo · 30/09/2023 10:16

@StaySpicy

Plenty of non observant Jews do though, for cultural reasons. It's no different to non observant Christians. If you are an atheist it would be weird I grant you but the vast majority of people in Britain are agnostic/non observant

Being Jewish isn't just a religion though surely you know that?

A non observant Jew has every right to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Atheists have no right having Christenings. The OP hasn't said they're not observant she's said they don't believe.

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/09/2023 10:18

If your husband was asked to be a godparent, then he can go to the christening and you stay home with the children. Did they ask both of you, or just him?

Of course, it’s going to cause friction when you are prepared to make a long journey for a wedding, for your family, when you aren’t prepared to do that for his.

Where are you planning to stay for the wedding? The issues around your child hating the car won’t be any different when you go to the wedding, but you’ll put up with that presumably.

YellowRibbon710 · 30/09/2023 10:19

How can you stand in a Church and make vows to reject Satan and raise the child as a Christian when that's not what you believe?

I understand that your husband has agreed to this but you don't have to.

It's hugely offensive.

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 10:20

The wedding does mean something and yes funnily enough my own family means more than my in laws

@Waddlequack how would you feel if your husband said he wasn't going to your sisters wedding as his family matter more to him than yours funnily enough?

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:20

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 10:17

Being Jewish isn't just a religion though surely you know that?

A non observant Jew has every right to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Atheists have no right having Christenings. The OP hasn't said they're not observant she's said they don't believe.

Edited
Show quote history

If you don't believe in a religion, how can you say you are that religion, just non-observant?!

My point is, a non-Jew wouldn't turn up asking for a Jewish celebration. I don't see how that's different for Christianity.

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:22

gotomomo · 30/09/2023 10:16

@StaySpicy

Plenty of non observant Jews do though, for cultural reasons. It's no different to non observant Christians. If you are an atheist it would be weird I grant you but the vast majority of people in Britain are agnostic/non observant

If someone says they don't believe, they can't claim they're "non-observant".