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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Wrongsideofpennines · 30/09/2023 16:07

Options for making it more bearable:

  • train/plane for you and baby with husband driving
  • going the night before so children sleep on the way
  • breaking the journey halfway with a day out in the middle
  • staying elsewhere like an airbnb rather than all 5 in a room

If the cost of these is prohibitive then tell all family that in lieu of Christmas presents this year they can contribute to this for you and your children. I'm guessing you've not met your niece yet, and you clearly aren't going to do the journey for your children to see their cousin at Christmas so maybe that will be a nice present for them.

And if you really can't bring yourself to go then be honest with your sister-in-law. Maybe drop in the bit about she should have got in there 2 years ago before your sister did with a big life event.

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 16:15

I do think you are being unreasonable. Husband probably wants to see his family and you're making up all of kinds of reasons to not go. Sometimes you have to just suck it up for the sake of the rest of the family, pretty much what most of us do everytime we see certain sides of the family. Whether you think the christening is real or not, an actual event or not, it is obviously something to them and your husband wants to go. If you've mad either difficult for him, I think you should apologise because if this was the other way around and it was him making it difficult for you to go to your sisters wedding, it would be deemed unacceptable!

If you are unhappy with the sleeping arrangements, book a hotel. It's nobody's responsibility to put you up, you're adults and you knew his family lived far away.

As for the car thing, driving is an everyday part of life for most people so sounds harsh but the baby has to get used to it if you use a car. Check you haven't done the straps too tight, give a few toys, plenty of carpet time beforehand and plenty of stops.

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 16:16

He can take the older children and OP stays home with baby.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 16:21

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 16:15

I do think you are being unreasonable. Husband probably wants to see his family and you're making up all of kinds of reasons to not go. Sometimes you have to just suck it up for the sake of the rest of the family, pretty much what most of us do everytime we see certain sides of the family. Whether you think the christening is real or not, an actual event or not, it is obviously something to them and your husband wants to go. If you've mad either difficult for him, I think you should apologise because if this was the other way around and it was him making it difficult for you to go to your sisters wedding, it would be deemed unacceptable!

If you are unhappy with the sleeping arrangements, book a hotel. It's nobody's responsibility to put you up, you're adults and you knew his family lived far away.

As for the car thing, driving is an everyday part of life for most people so sounds harsh but the baby has to get used to it if you use a car. Check you haven't done the straps too tight, give a few toys, plenty of carpet time beforehand and plenty of stops.

Not making up reasons.
They are valid reasons.
Would happily go if the baby was OK in the car. People keep acting like I'm trying to get out of it by making things up. Not the case at all.
And I drive with the baby every day. Obviously short journeys but she hates it. Isn't used it at all so that's not helpful.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 30/09/2023 16:22

OP, you're getting a hard time here. Clearly anybody saying YABU has never had to deal with a baby / small child who hates the car. A 5 hour journey would be total hell with a screaming and upset child so to have to do it twice in the space of a few weeks is insane.

And no, a christening of your DH's niece is not as important as the wedding of your sibling. Of course it is not!!

Let your DH go to the christening - he can travel up himself. You stay at home with the kids. I would be telling him that he can let his sibling know that the children would find the journey too difficult and you'd already committed to doing that journey a few weeks later and you can't put the DC through that awful journey twice in such a short space of time. If they really wanted you there, they'd have arranged it for when you are already in the area (for your sister's wedding - assuming it's all in the same locality?) You'd be nuts to do that 5 hour journey each way with such small DC twice in a few weeks.

frommywindow · 30/09/2023 16:33

I think YABU.
My husband is Spanish, all his family and friends are still in Spain. We have 2.5yr old twins and I hate flying. I have taken one of the boys 14 hours on trains there before because, even though I'm not a massive fan of his family for various reasons, I refuse to not take them to family events because that side of the family is just as important as mine.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/09/2023 16:36

I'd just send husband with the older kids. I've never understood the mumsnet rule of how you absolutely must go to these things. When you don't live near people you sometimes have to miss their events, it's just how it is.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 16:41

frommywindow · 30/09/2023 16:33

I think YABU.
My husband is Spanish, all his family and friends are still in Spain. We have 2.5yr old twins and I hate flying. I have taken one of the boys 14 hours on trains there before because, even though I'm not a massive fan of his family for various reasons, I refuse to not take them to family events because that side of the family is just as important as mine.

Family events are important to me too.
I like visiting family. And I want the kids to be close ect. But it isn't worth the journey at the moment. I think unless you've experienced it it is easy to not understand how hard it is.
However, there are so many years in the future for this when the kids are a bit older and can tolerate journeys more.
There is no bribing or reasoning with a baby who just hates it.
If this were a year in the future there'd probably be no problem.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 30/09/2023 16:45

Catlover77 · 30/09/2023 10:04

Why would you consider being a godparent if you are not religious?

Nice frock and a great party?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 16:47

JudgeJ · 30/09/2023 16:45

Nice frock and a great party?

Show quote history

Ha
Also feels rude to refuse doesn't it? Like it's suggesting you don't care about the child.
I don't know. Feels really awkward to me.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 30/09/2023 16:50

Newphony · 30/09/2023 14:25

This boils down to the fact you want to make an effort for your own family but not your dh's. Typical entitled daughter in law behaviour.

If the OP can't be bothered to travel such a long distance (!) with children, something many of us did for years, to attend the Christening then I would expect her OH not to attend her sister's wedding, he can have a lovely peaceful weekend at home.

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 16:51

JudgeJ · 30/09/2023 16:45

Nice frock and a great party?

Show quote history

Great party? Not really. It isn't a black tue event or anything. A bit of food at home afterwards.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 16:53

JudgeJ · 30/09/2023 16:50

If the OP can't be bothered to travel such a long distance (!) with children, something many of us did for years, to attend the Christening then I would expect her OH not to attend her sister's wedding, he can have a lovely peaceful weekend at home.

Show quote history

Bit uncalled for.
Why are people so cross?!
I would happily be 'bothered" if it weren't for my extremely distressed child

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 30/09/2023 16:53

Can't your husband attend the christening alone and they get another God parent.

Feetupteashot · 30/09/2023 16:54

Suck it up and book a bnb

Feetupteashot · 30/09/2023 16:55

I don't think you can say no to being a godparents, it's a very special role even in non religious families. I love my godmother she's like an extra granny

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 16:55

Feetupteashot · 30/09/2023 16:54

Suck it up and book a bnb

Can't afford it really

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 30/09/2023 16:55

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2023 10:02

Bloody hell op it’s your niece. You’re a godparent. Yes you have to go.

why is the wedding “must go” and the christening not? Is it because the wedding is your family.

sorry but YABU

Agree with this.

Make the effort. It's family.

choirmumoftwo · 30/09/2023 16:56

Out of interest op, are you and your husband baptised/christened? You can't be a godparent if not (at least in C of E).
Might be your get out clause.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/09/2023 17:07

The issue really is the closeness of both events isn't it? You could have turned down the Christening saying what you have said on here but of course within a few weeks you'll be off to the wedding. It wouldn't look great would it?
Could you afford a hotel or air b n b for the christening? That would at least sort the sleeping situation out so one of the issues solved and you could leave as and when you liked then.
Screaming baby situation sounds like a nightmare but by the time the wedding comes around baby and you hopefully will have recovered from the trauma.

AirportAssassin · 30/09/2023 17:14

Send Husband and older DC in the car and you take the baby on the train times so they can pick you up when they get there.

Maray1967 · 30/09/2023 17:20

AirportAssassin · 30/09/2023 17:14

Send Husband and older DC in the car and you take the baby on the train times so they can pick you up when they get there.

Good idea.

DesTeeny · 30/09/2023 17:23

Yes YABU.

You say 'DH's niece'. She is your niece too.

Break the journey up, book somewhere else to stay, whatever you're going to do for the wedding you 'have' to go to. It's a family event that you've been asked to be a part of.

Eta: We were asked to attend my nephew's christening, it was 200+ miles away from us and we had a just turned one year old who did not do well on long journeys. We weren't godparents but we went because we were asked to and it was important for his parents that we as family were there.

So yeah, in the nicest way, suck it up and go.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 17:29

DesTeeny · 30/09/2023 17:23

Yes YABU.

You say 'DH's niece'. She is your niece too.

Break the journey up, book somewhere else to stay, whatever you're going to do for the wedding you 'have' to go to. It's a family event that you've been asked to be a part of.

Eta: We were asked to attend my nephew's christening, it was 200+ miles away from us and we had a just turned one year old who did not do well on long journeys. We weren't godparents but we went because we were asked to and it was important for his parents that we as family were there.

So yeah, in the nicest way, suck it up and go.

Edited

Yes she is. Just how I worded it really. It doesn't make a difference to the situation or my feelings towards her at all. I care a lot about her.

Of course we would make stops ect ect but it doesn't make it any easier. The time in the car is still the same and still hell.

OP posts:
PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 30/09/2023 17:39

Have you tried driving at night OP? Perhaps not the full 5 hours. And probably better if your husband does the driving if you’re still waking at night to breastfeed. But sometimes it can work with nightmare car+baby scenarios. So you do something like leave at 4am and hope baby sleeps for the first 3 hours or so.

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