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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 30/09/2023 20:36

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 19:59

One of us is

Show quote history

I'm hoping it's your husband and not you!

Wafflemuddy · 30/09/2023 21:31

OP, it is entirely reasonable to not attend for the reasons you have stated. Travelling with a screaming, highly distressed infant is horrible for them and everyone else in the vehicle (been there, done that.) It's unfortunate that your husband accepted the godparent role on your behalf but could you have an apologetic and frank conversation with your DH's sister/brother (whoever is niece's parent) to explain that travelling is very stressful and you although you would be delighted to see them another time it's not going to be practical for you to do two long journeys in close succession with a very distressed baby (5hr journey = 10 hours of hell getting there and back.) If you are obviously sorry and stressed then any sane human being would accept this as a reasonable choice to make. I would also slip in the religious point while you're at it, again you can stress that you'd love to have a great relationship with your niece where she can rely on you, you're just not sure that it needs to come with a religious label. I'd be careful to emphasize that this isn't why you are unable to go.

I don't think you need to conceal that part of the reason it is difficult is because you have to travel to your sister's wedding. You committed to going to that before your baby was born. You can be honest that you're dreading that journey too but it has been planned for a long time.

It definitely won't be an easy conversation but will avoid the impression that you're just bowing out for no good reason.

Please ignore those on here who are inferring you are a bad person for considering backing out. You've been accidentally cornered into this situation but you can be honest and up front with the in-laws and if they are decent people they will accept it (for those about to jump back on your religious high-horses - the in-laws are not religious, so your point is moot.) You are trying to do the right thing for your baby. Anyone who criticizes should take a long hard look at themselves.

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 21:36

It's actually the night on the mattress all in the same room that would end it for me. Just tell him to go with the older kids as you can't face it with the baby.

Ragwort · 30/09/2023 22:13

Just send your regrets, my DH didn't come with my to my nephew's christening, I really don't think my sibling cared at all that he wasn't there.

Fifthtimelucky · 30/09/2023 22:27

One of my daughter's Godparents didn't attend her Christening. She is my oldest friend, but lived about 3 hours away, was newly pregnant and didn't feel up to the trip.

It was fine. The vicar (CofE) was happy for her to be absent and obviously so was I. There was no need for a proxy. That was 25 years ago though, so things might have changed.

Iwasafool · 30/09/2023 22:46

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 19:24

And to those who don't understand why I am doing the wedding journey.
I don't want to do that either! But I will.
And can't you see that doing two would be so much worse than just one? Getting through it then having to face it all over again.
I just cannot do that.

If you say that it will be clear that you don't think their family is as important as your family. Why should your sister's wedding be more important than his niece's Christening? They might think as their's is first you should go to theirs and if it is as bad as you think then miss the wedding. You will obviously think that is unreasonable but you have to understand that they are likely to be offended as you are making it quite plain that their child's special day doesn't matter to you.

I had one who screamed in the car so I do understand that but the optics won't look good.

Could you husband drive with the other children and you get the train?

PollyPut · 01/10/2023 06:26

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:11

Thanks for your understanding!
I had it with my eldest also it was utter hell.
I swore I wouldn't do it again

Show quote history

We had a couple of similar journeys. Baby cried for two hours in the car (and it wasn't good for them to be in car seat any longer than that it one go. It was horrific

Have you considered the train? Or at least some of you on the train?

Pippa12 · 01/10/2023 06:49

I understand your reasoning for not going to the christening, a journey with a screaming baby is hellish. You will cause offence and upset with your in laws tho, and eyebrows will be raised when you take the journey just a short time later to your own sisters wedding. I think the situation wouldn’t look as bad if you weren’t travelling to that.

What does your husband think of the situation tho? Is he close to his family?

Might your husband decide he cannot take the hellish journey for your sisters wedding, after all, in some peoples view it’s just a ‘piece of paper’ or a ‘legal document’.

I do understand what your saying, but I’d get your hard hat on.

charabang · 01/10/2023 07:50

Having accepted the role of godparents I would go. The time to decline and put your reasons has passed. Any backing out at this stage will look like excuses and won't hold water given that your travelling a long distance just a few weeks later.

nutbrownhare15 · 01/10/2023 08:08

Could you travel on the train with the baby for most of the journey with dH dropping you off and picking you up? Look at split ticket websites to save on the fare.

DinnaeFashYersel · 01/10/2023 08:22

@Waddlequack

We are both christened. Actually one is catholic. One christian that must make a difference

You know catholics are Christians. 😳

Efacsen · 01/10/2023 08:46

nutbrownhare15 · 01/10/2023 08:08

Could you travel on the train with the baby for most of the journey with dH dropping you off and picking you up? Look at split ticket websites to save on the fare.

This has been asked a number of times but the OP hasn't given a clear answer

It would solve the travel difficulties but still leaves the problem of how to get out of being a godparent without causing a family rift - esp as the childs parents think she's already agreed

There are solutions to the OPs dilemma but none are without risk/difficulty - she needs to choose the least worst option which she seems to be leaning towards not going

lap90 · 01/10/2023 09:00

It sounds as if you've already made up your mind so not sure what exactly you are asking.

With your baby being so distressed at car rides more than 20 minutes, it is worth thinking about, as in the case here, whether it's something you really should do.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:09

Efacsen · 01/10/2023 08:46

This has been asked a number of times but the OP hasn't given a clear answer

It would solve the travel difficulties but still leaves the problem of how to get out of being a godparent without causing a family rift - esp as the childs parents think she's already agreed

There are solutions to the OPs dilemma but none are without risk/difficulty - she needs to choose the least worst option which she seems to be leaning towards not going

Edited
Show quote history

Actually I have. I have said we need a car when we get there so train isn't an option

OP posts:
happsy · 01/10/2023 09:11

I have a 9mo who hates the car seat too. Can tolerate it for a short journey but the last time we did a long one, the baby cried so much that I had to squeeze in the middle and sit between both dc for about 4 hours! It was horrible and my body was in pain for a week after. We said we are not doing that again so have cancelled an important event too. Tough luck but I won't be subjecting my baby to anything like that again.
I see the wedding as completely different.
I would give the christening a miss.
Tough luck to anyone who takes offence.

Efacsen · 01/10/2023 09:20

Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:09

Actually I have. I have said we need a car when we get there so train isn't an option

Show quote history

If you and the baby were to go by train

and

Your partner and older children go by car

You would not 'be without a car' because you would have the car your partner had driven up in

I don't think I can make this simpler for you to understand

Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:28

Efacsen · 01/10/2023 09:20

If you and the baby were to go by train

and

Your partner and older children go by car

You would not 'be without a car' because you would have the car your partner had driven up in

I don't think I can make this simpler for you to understand

Show quote history

Go away please
I don't need to be patronised

OP posts:
Efacsen · 01/10/2023 09:32

Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:28

Go away please
I don't need to be patronised

Show quote history

Fine I won't waste my time

Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:35

Efacsen · 01/10/2023 09:32

Fine I won't waste my time

Show quote history

We can't do this because we don't just have spare money for train fairs, hotels ect ect
Its going to cost enough with petrol, outfits and everything.
It's just not worth it is it

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:36

My husband doesn't seem to think him going alone is acceptable.
He wants us all to go so now I'm in an even more difficult position

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 01/10/2023 09:37

It isn't unreasonable to tell your husband you don't think you can face the christening and would he be ok with you and possibly the babyor all the children attending.
It might well be unreasonable not to go if he really wanted you all to go as a family.

rosesandcandlelight · 01/10/2023 09:38

Which one of you is baptised Catholic? I'm assuming it's likely to be DH as the baptism itself is Catholic and it's his family, but if it's you then that will cause (not actually insurmountable, but socially awkward) problems if you don't go - you can't have a Catholic baptism without a Catholic godparent. In fact, whichever of you is not baptised Catholic won't technically be a godparent at all or be recorded as such. There is a courtesy title of "Christian witness".

FWIW I think your reasons are totally reasonable and understandable, but your mistake was to accept in the first place. Have you discussed it all with DH? Does he think it might be imaginable for him to go alone or with the two eldest to represent the family? If he doesn't see an issue, I'd do that. If he is upset by the idea, I'd probably try to go.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:40

rosesandcandlelight · 01/10/2023 09:38

Which one of you is baptised Catholic? I'm assuming it's likely to be DH as the baptism itself is Catholic and it's his family, but if it's you then that will cause (not actually insurmountable, but socially awkward) problems if you don't go - you can't have a Catholic baptism without a Catholic godparent. In fact, whichever of you is not baptised Catholic won't technically be a godparent at all or be recorded as such. There is a courtesy title of "Christian witness".

FWIW I think your reasons are totally reasonable and understandable, but your mistake was to accept in the first place. Have you discussed it all with DH? Does he think it might be imaginable for him to go alone or with the two eldest to represent the family? If he doesn't see an issue, I'd do that. If he is upset by the idea, I'd probably try to go.

Yeah he is really annoyed that I suggested he go alone.
I don't want to upset him if it is this important to him.
It's so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:40

Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:40

Yeah he is really annoyed that I suggested he go alone.
I don't want to upset him if it is this important to him.
It's so hard.

Show quote history

And my husband is baptised catholic

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 09:49

Waddlequack · 01/10/2023 09:40

Yeah he is really annoyed that I suggested he go alone.
I don't want to upset him if it is this important to him.
It's so hard.

Show quote history

Well if that’s how he feels, unless you’re willing to either miss your sister’s wedding or say he stay at home with the baby, I think you might have to go…

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