Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:07

Anewuser · 30/09/2023 15:05

I realise weddings can be almost anywhere now, but guessing your sister’s wedding isn’t in a church then?

No

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/09/2023 15:07

Might train be easier? Book a premier inn if relative's home not suitable,

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2023 15:08

You can’t miss the christening if you agreed to be godparents.

Can you find alternative overnight accommodation/you sit in the back of the car with the baby/travel by train to make the journey easier?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:09

LIZS · 30/09/2023 15:07

Might train be easier? Book a premier inn if relative's home not suitable,

Possibly but would need a car when we're there really so that'd a bit difficult

OP posts:
KombuchaKalling · 30/09/2023 15:10

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:12

"You don't need to be religious to promise before God to help bring up a child in the Christian faith".

I've heard it all now.

I hate christenings that are done for the party aspect and not the religion aspect. No one would turn up to a synagogue and say they want a Bat Mitzvah for their daughter but they're not Jewish. Yet Christianity seems fair game.

Don't go, OP. You (and they) are making a mockery of the whole service. Your realise you have to say that you believe and trust in God, right? How hypocritical to say it in a church, amongst those who do believe, and not believe a word.

Err this. Seems like a bit of a joke to me and an excuse for a party

That is before you even get into the logistics of it. I have a child around your youngest's age, l am still getting over a 500 mile round trip we did a month ago. I won't be repeating it anytime soon i.e. not until 2024

LIZS · 30/09/2023 15:16

Or travel partway the day before, breaking the journey each way.

GodspeedJune · 30/09/2023 15:18

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up that you and baby won’t be going, maybe if DH still shows that would be appreciated.

My DD hates the car seat so I do empathise. We have done long journeys but timed tactically for naps and with plenty of stops.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:18

LIZS · 30/09/2023 15:16

Or travel partway the day before, breaking the journey each way.

We don't really have spare money for hotels and train fairs.

I guess it's the face that it all seems pointless. Like pp said-its just for a party really so massive effort for nothing really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:19

I honestly wouldn't expect people to travel all that way for a christening. Certainly not with small children.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 30/09/2023 15:24

You've made your mind up. Don't go. Send DH alone and tell us what he says when you tell him.

sleepyscientist · 30/09/2023 15:24

Can you not fly and hire a car at the other end.

Daffidale · 30/09/2023 15:26

Outlier here who thinks you’re being reasonable. I agree that a wedding is a much bigger occasion than a christening. Especially when the family aren’t religious.

I totally get being willing to do the travel once, but not twice, within a few weeks.

best solution is for DH to attend Christening without you.

If you do go, you don’t have to make statements you don’t believe in. Ask to speak to the vicar. My DH and I did this as we aren’t religious and felt as you do. I think we somehow weren’t referred to as god parents in church. But we had a role in the ceremony and the parents still consider us to be ones.

Either way it’s up to you and your S/BiL whether you are called and treated as god parents even if you don’t go, or don’t participate in the religious parts of the ceremony.

Daffyyellow · 30/09/2023 15:30

I understand your concerns but I think your reasons aren’t strong. Maybe DH could attend the christening with 1 child, leaving you with the other 2 at home? But ultimately if you are a Godparent you should be there.

heldinadream · 30/09/2023 15:31

@Waddlequack I think you're being totally reasonable and I think there are some very, very goady fuckers on this thread, so goady I'm tempted to report them. Seems to be happening more and more.
ALL your reasons are valid. All of them. Good luck. 💐

JC89 · 30/09/2023 15:31

You don't have to go, and you have some good reasons for not wanting to, but some of what you are saying is making you sound unreasonable. Is your husband's niece not also your niece? You keep repeating that the christening was only booked recently, how far in advance do you expect people to book it? While pregnant, then have to cancel it if the baby doesn't make it? While TTC? And I'm sure the Christening does mean something to the parents, e.g. they might consider it a celebration of their baby or welcoming their baby into the world.

How are you managing the wedding - is it closer? Are you staying for longer/ stopping off on the way? If so, are there reasons you can't do the same this time - e.g. cost or running out of annual leave? If you choose not to go to the Christening but you do go to the wedding I think you need to come up with an explanation that doesn't sound like "My sister is more important than your baby", which is how you are coming across to me on here.

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 15:35

Send your husband on his own

CrazyHedgehogLover · 30/09/2023 15:40

I think your being massively unreasonable, it does come across as your side of the family trumps his by the looks of it.

it’s two occasions? It’s not the end of he world, if you feel that strongly about it be honest with them, your husband can still go and take the kids can’t he so they don’t miss out?

and yeah, I’ve done long journeys with kids that aren’t happy about it! But having regular breaks helps a lot.

I see it as if it’s to do with baby being in the car, neither trip should happen, he’s i understand she is your sister.. but your husband could easily have the opinion of “she isn’t as important to me as my niece”🤷‍♀️..

either that or your husband goes to the christening & you stay at home with the kids and then when it’s your sisters wedding, you go to that and your husband stays at home with the kids..

personally if it was me I’d just suck it up for the sake of both occasions so nobody is missing out tbh, it may not be important to you, just because there not religious doesn’t mean to say it’s just a “party” to them, my brother isn’t religious, my nephew was christened because he couldn’t stand there and say he doesn’t totally believe there isn’t a god.. so felt that if there was one he wanted to assure he’d taken the right steps, he certainly didn’t look at it as just a party! My brother and my nephews mum was extremely excited for him to be christened, a lot of people do it as a way of naming ceremony and to have chosen two people to help look after little one should the worst happen! It’s very important..

you sound extremely rude to suggest it’s just a “party”.. wedding doesn’t trump a christening in my opinion, doesn’t matter how long a wedding has been booked for either 🤷‍♀️.

you came on here looking for advice and people have answered, quite a fair few suggesting your just making excuses.. it does look that way, it’s two occasions that will be done and over with.

each occasion means a lot to both of you.. so come up with separate arrangements if you really don’t want to go as I’ve stated above ⬆️ or suck it up and go for the sake of two occasions.

2chocolateoranges · 30/09/2023 15:47

It’s a family christening, surely you need to go.

it’s a bit shit you are willing to travel for your family and not your dh’s.

wedding been planned for 2 years versus a newly booked christening makes no difference they are both big family events.

I always try and remember when it comes to family events that my children will be grown up at some point and I’d hate for them to resent visiting us. So just make the effort to visit.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 30/09/2023 15:47

Are both events in the same place (town)? If so could the christening be changed to the day after the wedding?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:47

JC89 · 30/09/2023 15:31

You don't have to go, and you have some good reasons for not wanting to, but some of what you are saying is making you sound unreasonable. Is your husband's niece not also your niece? You keep repeating that the christening was only booked recently, how far in advance do you expect people to book it? While pregnant, then have to cancel it if the baby doesn't make it? While TTC? And I'm sure the Christening does mean something to the parents, e.g. they might consider it a celebration of their baby or welcoming their baby into the world.

How are you managing the wedding - is it closer? Are you staying for longer/ stopping off on the way? If so, are there reasons you can't do the same this time - e.g. cost or running out of annual leave? If you choose not to go to the Christening but you do go to the wedding I think you need to come up with an explanation that doesn't sound like "My sister is more important than your baby", which is how you are coming across to me on here.

But my sister is more important to me.
This doesn't mean I don't care. I care a lot about my in laws and their baby.
But I care about mine aswell and don't want to put her through it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:50

CharlotteStreetW1 · 30/09/2023 15:47

Are both events in the same place (town)? If so could the christening be changed to the day after the wedding?

No, nowhere near each other

OP posts:
CrystalTits · 30/09/2023 15:57

Get the train so you can move around while you travel, a premierinn/travelodge and a taxi when you’re there. Suck it up and make the effort for your husband’s family - you’ll regret not going
otherwise. Stretch out of your comfort zone and who knows, your baby may get used to the travel the more you do it.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 30/09/2023 16:00

CostelloJones · 30/09/2023 11:25

It is starting to sound like you don’t like your husbands side of the family. Just saying.

Nope, you're just shit stirring

ChateauMargaux · 30/09/2023 16:01

I totally understand why the wedding is more important that the christening.... and actually, it is highly unlikely that your husband's niece will never be in the situation where she has to consider the needs of three small children to attend a family event for your family.

FWIW - under fairly significant feelings of obligation, we have flown with 3 kids to two family christenings when neither of those families ever made similar efforts for our families, partly due to difference in ages, where we live etc.. but yeah.. sometimes it does feel that the burden of family obligations are not equally shared.. I feel your pain.

FarmGirl78 · 30/09/2023 16:06

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:06

My husband was asked and he agreed. I did actually say to him I don't think we can be and he said its fine you don't need to be religious.
I think the whole christening thing when the parents aren't even religious is ridiculous to be honest.
Maybe I should have said no...

Definitely you should have said no. You can't go dropping out when you're a God parent!

Swipe left for the next trending thread