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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sigmama · 30/09/2023 11:51

God no way would I travel that far for a ridiculous baby dunking ceremony

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 11:55

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2023 10:02

Bloody hell op it’s your niece. You’re a godparent. Yes you have to go.

why is the wedding “must go” and the christening not? Is it because the wedding is your family.

sorry but YABU

I agree - can you get the train? That's what I do with my baby who hates car seats

Sirzy · 30/09/2023 11:55

It’s not about the christening though really is it. It’s about spending time with the extended family and letting the children spend time with them. I have mixed thoughts about christenings for those who aren’t practicing Christian’s but even if it’s just a family get together then it’s nice for them to get together.

if it was to do with the journey then the wedding would be just as much an issue.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 11:55

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:06

My husband was asked and he agreed. I did actually say to him I don't think we can be and he said its fine you don't need to be religious.
I think the whole christening thing when the parents aren't even religious is ridiculous to be honest.
Maybe I should have said no...

Yes I think you should say no so they can find someone who wants to do it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 11:56

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 10:12

"You don't need to be religious to promise before God to help bring up a child in the Christian faith".

I've heard it all now.

I hate christenings that are done for the party aspect and not the religion aspect. No one would turn up to a synagogue and say they want a Bat Mitzvah for their daughter but they're not Jewish. Yet Christianity seems fair game.

Don't go, OP. You (and they) are making a mockery of the whole service. Your realise you have to say that you believe and trust in God, right? How hypocritical to say it in a church, amongst those who do believe, and not believe a word.

Lots of Jews who aren't practising so have these events for the tradition and party

FourChimneys · 30/09/2023 12:23

I have been asked three times to be a godparent. Each time I have refused because I am not a Christian. Two families have drifted out of my life over the years, but one of my potential godchildren is close to me and I would do anything for them. Religion simply does not come into it.

OP you have so many reasons not to go, both moral and practical. Just see the relatives at another more convenient time.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/09/2023 13:19

Are you happy to be making promises that you have absolutely no intention of ever keeping?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:28

Toddlerteaplease · 30/09/2023 13:19

Are you happy to be making promises that you have absolutely no intention of ever keeping?

Well no. That's why I've said I don't feel comfortable doing it.

I realise I should have said no but it was played down a lot. People seem to think it's very normal and common and more of a tradition than anything.

I can see why this is very offensive though and do feel weird about it.

I don't want to seem like an ass by refusing though. It feels really awkward either way to be honest.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 30/09/2023 13:29

I totally understand the challenges of travelling with a young family, one of whom hates being in the car and then knowing that you will all sleep badly, only to have to repeat that a few weeks later. When mine were tiny, we had to make difficult decisions about social events.

I understand the desire to mark the arrival of a new family member and culturally we do not have a significant non religious alternative to the christening.

Is there any way that you could break up the journey, travel by train, fly with the baby while DH goes by car with the others.. find an airbnb to stay in so you have more space to sleep, make the journey into a longer trip so you get to rest and recover before returning.. somehow to make this family celebration and the upcoming wedding less of an ordeal.

Can DH take the older two children on his own?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:30

And just to be clear. I don't dislike my husband's family at all. I'm very fond of them.

OP posts:
Pootle23 · 30/09/2023 13:32

So you can’t be bothered because it’s your husband’s family, but will bother for your sister is the message that will be remembered forever by your husband and his side of the family.

If it were days apart…maybe…but weeks apart…sorry get a grip!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2023 13:34

So all that about the baby and the Wedding being a few weeks later boils down to “I don’t want to”. I wonder how you’d feel about it if your dh pulled that for your sister’s wedding. After all, his family means more to him than yours as you pointed out.

Grumpy101 · 30/09/2023 13:37

Wedding and a christening are not the same thing. Of course a wedding that has been booked for years is more important.

When you have 3 small kids you can't do everything, don't know why you need to be a martyr and do such a long journey for something so last minute.

DH agreed so send him. Tell them it's just not possible to make the journey with the kids.

openallday · 30/09/2023 13:40

Your excuses are weak

Suck it up. Go

You're the godparents and aunt/uncle

openallday · 30/09/2023 13:43

I don't think having a wedding a few weeks after is a valid excuse

You obviously don't want to go. Fine. But that's what marriage/relationship/family is all about. Celebrating their life choices and big events

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:45

openallday · 30/09/2023 13:40

Your excuses are weak

Suck it up. Go

You're the godparents and aunt/uncle

I take it you've never had to travel with small children and a screaming baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:47

openallday · 30/09/2023 13:43

I don't think having a wedding a few weeks after is a valid excuse

You obviously don't want to go. Fine. But that's what marriage/relationship/family is all about. Celebrating their life choices and big events

Yes. And I would happily go, even if it was a two hour drive. But it isn't. It would take a day. Which would also be fine if the kids were older or the baby was younger and just slept. But I don't want to put my baby through that..and then again a few weeks later.

I don't want to cause upset to anyone but it's really hard. I'm really dreading it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/09/2023 13:50

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:45

I take it you've never had to travel with small children and a screaming baby?

Show quote history

But then one of you would be not going to the wedding if it was so tough. It’s either awful or it’s not!

Pushpull · 30/09/2023 13:55

I can see it's hard. But you don't want to consider alternatives like the train. Which boils down to not caring enough to go. Which is what they will see it as. Because religious or not they've made a statement about how important you are (or will be) in their children's lives and you're rejecting it. 8 mths old is not a newborn, you could break the journey easily. It might still be awful but you'd be putting the effort in. If you don't go they will be hurt and it will most likely impact your relationship. Only you can decide if that matters to you or not.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:55

Sirzy · 30/09/2023 13:50

But then one of you would be not going to the wedding if it was so tough. It’s either awful or it’s not!

Show quote history

It is awful.
Like I said the wedding has been booked for years. This was arranged about a month ago.

So of course there is a difference.

I can just about manage it once. To have to do it twice is too much.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2023 14:03

I don’t attend religious rituals performed on children, so I would decline for that reason.

you, however, agreed to be key participants in the ceremony. Your presence is necessary.

Sirzy · 30/09/2023 14:11

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 13:55

It is awful.
Like I said the wedding has been booked for years. This was arranged about a month ago.

So of course there is a difference.

I can just about manage it once. To have to do it twice is too much.

Show quote history

So it’s about you not the baby then. Otherwise you wouldn’t be making the baby do either trip

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:14

Sirzy · 30/09/2023 14:11

So it’s about you not the baby then. Otherwise you wouldn’t be making the baby do either trip

Show quote history

Putting the baby through it twice is too much.
I obviously don't care about doing long journeys-it's too much for the baby.
I have to go to my sisters wedding that I've known about for years. Obviously

OP posts:
user14699084658 · 30/09/2023 14:16

Pootle23 · 30/09/2023 13:32

So you can’t be bothered because it’s your husband’s family, but will bother for your sister is the message that will be remembered forever by your husband and his side of the family.

If it were days apart…maybe…but weeks apart…sorry get a grip!

This.
Get a babysitter if it’s too much hassle taking the kids. You can’t agree to be a godparent and then not turn up!

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:17

user14699084658 · 30/09/2023 14:16

This.
Get a babysitter if it’s too much hassle taking the kids. You can’t agree to be a godparent and then not turn up!

Show quote history

I don't have any one to watch my kids. And I wouldn't leave my 8 month breastfed baby anyway.
They are more important to me than travelling to a christening.

OP posts: