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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
RitaN · 30/09/2023 14:21

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:17

I don't have any one to watch my kids. And I wouldn't leave my 8 month breastfed baby anyway.
They are more important to me than travelling to a christening.

Show quote history

Then don't go, no one can make you. But stop coming up with shitty excuses, because obviously they don't apply few weeks later. Btw you can't really plan a Christening few years in advance, so stop comparing these two.

Newphony · 30/09/2023 14:25

This boils down to the fact you want to make an effort for your own family but not your dh's. Typical entitled daughter in law behaviour.

curlycat · 30/09/2023 14:26

Can you and the baby go by train then DH and other 2 DC and your luggage can drive

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:27

RitaN · 30/09/2023 14:21

Then don't go, no one can make you. But stop coming up with shitty excuses, because obviously they don't apply few weeks later. Btw you can't really plan a Christening few years in advance, so stop comparing these two.

Show quote history

Well they aren't shitty excuses. No need for that.
They are valid to me.
I'm not trying to create reasons not to go.
I have a reason why is very difficult to but don't want to let people down so I'm struggling with what to do.

OP posts:
Moglet4 · 30/09/2023 14:28

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

Wow. If you have any decency, of course you have to go. This is a long list of excuses because you simply don’t want to (and I do get it, my family lives all over the place and I have 4 children). It is, I agree, quite insulting to have a christening when you’re a non-believer but the fact remains that many people do this and think of it more as a naming ceremony. Your in-laws have asked you to be an integral part of a celebration of their child’s existence and your husband understandably wants to do it. If I were your in laws I’d be very hurt by the slight. So I would suggest you suck it up. To them and no doubt to your husband, your sister’s wedding is no more important than their child’s welcome to the world ceremony!

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:29

Newphony · 30/09/2023 14:25

This boils down to the fact you want to make an effort for your own family but not your dh's. Typical entitled daughter in law behaviour.

I don't think I'm entitled at all.
Maybe we were religious it would be a lot more important but it just isn't.
Also. Can I make it clear that I would feel exactly the same if this were a member of my family.
It's the closeness of the events

OP posts:
Lifeinlists · 30/09/2023 14:31

If you actually want to be a godparent then get someone to stand proxy for you. If you don't, and it seems like you don't, just say so. However, if it's the whole family occasion thing then that's more awkward, I can see.

If it's really a 5 hour drive then you need to have an overnight somewhere. I wouldn't be relying on trains atm; no way.

Or you could get ill...

beAsensible1 · 30/09/2023 14:32

Can you get the train instead, to reduce the pressure of the long drive?

Or your parents babysit and just you and DH go?

But yes of course you should go, sometimes showing up for family is a ball ache but if you care about them and they matter then you make the effort.

Ragwort · 30/09/2023 14:34

What's stopping your DH going on his own? You should thank them for inviting you to be godparent but you don't feel it's appropriate to accept as you do not have a faith and will not be able to attend the christening but your DH will be there.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 14:35

If you really don’t want to go then don’t go, but you can’t use the travel as an excuse if you’re then travelling to the wedding soon after.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 14:36

“DH shouldn’t have said yes without asking me, I’m not religious and therefore not comfortable being a godparent or attending a religious ceremony”.

This only works if your sister isn’t having a church wedding though!!!

Fishlegs · 30/09/2023 14:38

Sorry OP, I’ve only read your responses and not the full thread so apologies if I’m repeating others.

I had a similar situation, my youngest screamed blue murder in the car seat and we had a similar family commitment, so I sent dh in the car with the older kids / toddlers, and took the baby on the train.

Even if you did that for half the journey, you’re still saving the baby a lot of car time.

The sleeping arrangements will just have to be accepted as par for the course. I think you should go, think that you’re doing it for the new baby and for goodwill between your children and their cousins. My bloody MIL was always marching us off for some crappy family occasion or another when the kids were small, but my elder kids and their older cousins (all young adults / late teens) are all good mates now so in retrospect it was worth it!

Mumto1boyo · 30/09/2023 14:43

I wouldn't go to a christening if they aren't religious.
Really annoys me when people suddenly come to church once or twice just so they can get their child christened and then never come back again. They just want the presents and a party.

Lavender14 · 30/09/2023 14:47

You can't be godparents if you don't attend. But if you make the promises as godparents knowing you're not going to fulfil them, then that's hypocritical.

I'd personally say you can't be godmother because you can't be there on the day and let dh go alone.

Anewuser · 30/09/2023 14:47

I really don’t understand why you would come on here asking for advice when you’ve already made your mind up.

Clearly, your husband want to go to his niece’s christening and be a godfather. You do not. You are annoyed he ever agreed to it.

You are finding excuse after excuse. Too far to go twice, baby doesn’t like the car, baby can’t be left as no one to baby sit, baby is breast fed. They are all excuses and you know it.

If you don’t want to go to the christening, then don’t go. But just be honest.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:49

Anewuser · 30/09/2023 14:47

I really don’t understand why you would come on here asking for advice when you’ve already made your mind up.

Clearly, your husband want to go to his niece’s christening and be a godfather. You do not. You are annoyed he ever agreed to it.

You are finding excuse after excuse. Too far to go twice, baby doesn’t like the car, baby can’t be left as no one to baby sit, baby is breast fed. They are all excuses and you know it.

If you don’t want to go to the christening, then don’t go. But just be honest.

Well that's a load of rubbish.
Why are you deciding how I feel without knowing.
I am being honest. Why would I not be on here. I don't know any of you-have no reason not to be.
I haven't made my mind up. I'm just putting my viewpoints out there.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 30/09/2023 14:49

Anewuser · 30/09/2023 14:47

I really don’t understand why you would come on here asking for advice when you’ve already made your mind up.

Clearly, your husband want to go to his niece’s christening and be a godfather. You do not. You are annoyed he ever agreed to it.

You are finding excuse after excuse. Too far to go twice, baby doesn’t like the car, baby can’t be left as no one to baby sit, baby is breast fed. They are all excuses and you know it.

If you don’t want to go to the christening, then don’t go. But just be honest.

None of the baby doesn't like it, baby is breast fed applies to the wedding for her sister which let's face it will be more of an ordeal than a short christening. But it's fine as it's her family.

RampantIvy · 30/09/2023 14:50

Catlover77 · 30/09/2023 10:04

Why would you consider being a godparent if you are not religious?

Yes. Why make promises to a god you don't believe in?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:50

They aren't excuses.
They are reasons why I am struggling to go.
Why would I make them up?!

OP posts:
Goodornot · 30/09/2023 14:53

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:50

They aren't excuses.
They are reasons why I am struggling to go.
Why would I make them up?!

They don't apply to the wedding? Baby won't scream in the car or need breastfeeding at the wedding?

Anewuser · 30/09/2023 14:53

To you they are valid excuses but the reasons are exactly the same for your sister’s wedding - but you’re happy to attend that.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:57

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 14:53

They don't apply to the wedding? Baby won't scream in the car or need breastfeeding at the wedding?

Show quote history

Ugh I've acknowledged this so many times now.
I'm going to the wedding because I have to. It's my sister. She has been planning this wedding for years.
A wedding has meaning.
A christening does not unless you are religious which we are not and nor are the parents.
Yes my sisters wedding is extremely important to me.
We have made plans for the journey so we can manage it. I'm dreading this one also but it has to be done.
I am not OK with doing it twice within a few weeks of each other.
Sometimes things are more important than others and I don't feel willing to put myself and baby through the distress for something that is not very important. It's just a party.

OP posts:
Enko · 30/09/2023 15:01

@Waddlequack. What about the many suggestions of you taking baby on the train you have avoided answering those.

I still stand by if you agreed to be a godparent then you show up. One of our children's Godparents flew from Denmark to be here.

Also yes I have spent car journeys with screaming babies its not fun but I love my family more than a few hours of discomfort for me costs

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 15:01

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 14:57

Ugh I've acknowledged this so many times now.
I'm going to the wedding because I have to. It's my sister. She has been planning this wedding for years.
A wedding has meaning.
A christening does not unless you are religious which we are not and nor are the parents.
Yes my sisters wedding is extremely important to me.
We have made plans for the journey so we can manage it. I'm dreading this one also but it has to be done.
I am not OK with doing it twice within a few weeks of each other.
Sometimes things are more important than others and I don't feel willing to put myself and baby through the distress for something that is not very important. It's just a party.

Show quote history

Also. Obviously can breastfeed at the wedding. My point about breastfeeding was referring to a poster who suggested leaving my baby.

OP posts:
Anewuser · 30/09/2023 15:05

I realise weddings can be almost anywhere now, but guessing your sister’s wedding isn’t in a church then?

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