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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
Maireas · 01/10/2023 22:06

I suppose it depends what you have in your wardrobe, @RosesAndHellebores . Nowadays clothing is very casual, so I suspect people often need to buy something more formal or special.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/10/2023 22:08

£100 minimum - You say it’s from you and your family, how many of you are going? Is the food and booze provided? If so then for a family of 4 £100 is a cheap night out. Personally I think asking for money is crass, but so is working out how much they will get in cash gifts so I can why you’re long term friends.

Maireas · 01/10/2023 22:54

You're not paying for a night out, though are you? It's a gift. They're hosting a party for friends, so it's not quid pro quo.
She can't afford £100, so £50 is fine.

Buggersticks · 01/10/2023 23:15

£50 is enough xx

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 00:22

If just you is going £50 is fine but if your DH too then £100 more appropriate.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 05:58

I agree with the covering your meal, but you and your family might not go for expensive meals! Imagine that this is a family treat, what would you spend eg an pizza express or wherever you can afford? £30 per person adults and £20 per child? So two adults and two kids £100 sounds about right.

But if things are very very tight, and you wouldn't actually choose to eat out at all at the moment. then give less or don't give a cash gift. Especially if you've had to spend on hotels and travel and hen do etc. But I would really make the effort with sentimental stuff like get kids to take a lovely card or make sure that you take beautiful photos at the wedding and send them to the couple after in a lovely thank you card etc to show that you do appreciate being there and are really celebrating them.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 05:58

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 30/09/2023 11:00

So they aren't teenagers, their parents are paying for the wedding (who the hell still does that?), they are old enough to have a house and contents and they are asking for money? Blimey. Grabby or what.

I agree I'd be far too embarrassed and would probably say nothing unless people asked

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 06:00

Cash is a bit risky that venue staff or a guest might steal the cards box!

Flatandhappy · 02/10/2023 06:06

DH and I gave $100 last wedding we attended which is about £50. They did the “your presence is enough (which it should have been as it was overseas) but we would appreciate money towards the house we are building”. We didn’t even get a thank you. I think they probably expected more but it cost us a lot of money to be there so tbh I was quite tempted to just give a card. Just give what you can afford.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 06:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/09/2023 13:18

Why are some people so vexed by the idea of couples starting a preference for money as their wedding gifts?
are you desperate to buy a toaster or something?! Lol

I think this is always the response of people to justify asking for cash 'I don't want ten toasters!' No one would buy someone a toaster these days! But they might like the choice to buy them something more personable or sentimental

DoorPath · 02/10/2023 06:11

I don't know why everyone is so upset/surprised by giving a cash gift for a wedding - pretty standard.

OP, etiquette is £50 per person or £150 for a family.

nutellacrepe · 02/10/2023 06:18

You shouldn't base your gift on what other people are giving.

At our wedding we had a huge range from no gift to £20, £50, £100 and more. It really wasn't important and didn't affect any of our friendships in any way. Why on earth would it? People give what they want/ are able to.

There's really no right or wrong and if you think this is really going to affect your friendship then that friendship must be extremely superficial.

countrygirl99 · 02/10/2023 06:21

Frances0911 · 01/10/2023 21:08

I haven't been to many weddings, but the majority I've been to where I've given generously, have ended in divorce within five years.

Another friend who had a wedding list with mainly expensive kitchen gadgets, emigrated with her husband to Australia a year later. She told me that as it was so expensive to ship their belongings, they'd sold everything apart from clothes and sentimental items at a car boot, and were going to start from scratch when they got there!

My son and his wife emigrated 6 days after their wedding. Physical gifts would have been a complete waste. As it was they got married during covid so there was only us as witnesses. But some people were kind enough to send money to their bank account to help them set up from scratch in their new country.

Maireas · 02/10/2023 06:46

Weddings are different now. You're no longer helping a young couple set up home and start a new life together. Most couples have everything now anyway. A personal gift, however, is still considered to be appropriate by many.
Cash seems transactional - as evidenced by pp, you should "cover" the cost of the meal? You'd "pay" more than that for a night out?
No, you don't pay to go to a wedding - because you are a guest. It's traditional to give a gift. If that gift is money, then the amount is your choice, not some amount dictated by "etiquette" , notlr in payment for a meal!

Kaibashira · 02/10/2023 06:54

Bank details on the wedding website? People sending money ahead? Talking about how much they've been sent? When their parents are paying for it all?

Everything about this is utterly cringe.

Just give what you can afford. Or give a card and a small gift.

Gypsum5 · 02/10/2023 07:07

So she’s telling everyone how much she’s had already to pressure people to give more. She would not be my friend.

MrsMrsD · 02/10/2023 08:42

If the amount you give could damage the friendship then I'm sorry but that is not a true friendship. Give what you can afford and a friend would accept that lovingly whether it was £10 or £100.

Pogue4Life · 02/10/2023 09:58

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends with a person, you give what you can AFFORD. A true friend wouldn’t even be shocked if you turned up with a card and a bunch of flowers.
I could only afford to gift my own brother £50 and obviously have known him a lot longer than 20 years

Pogue4Life · 02/10/2023 10:04

If she already been bragging about how much she’s been given, she sounds like a horrible grabby person o don’t think I’d want to be friends with.
I think it’s in very bad taste to expect people to “donate” money to a wedding and even worse if she’s given out her bank details

Laura23FE · 02/10/2023 10:10

We do £100 as a couple, however we had couples give us £50 for our wedding gift between them so i think everybody is different. We also had friends give £300 so I think it all depends on what you can afford.
A wedding will cost minimum £50 per head so that's why we do £100 between us.

Nononsensemumsy · 02/10/2023 12:23

It wasn’t a case of prioritising unfortunately, it was a case of what we could afford. We had to pay £140 for a room as we had to travel some distance and we both needed new outfits, my dh didn’t have a suit and I had nothing suitable. We spent in the region of £300 on clothes that we are unlikely to wear again, unless another wedding or similar comes up.

PinkRoses1245 · 02/10/2023 12:31

RangleDrang · 30/09/2023 09:44

Eugh, still cant believe that in this day and age people ask for money/gifts for a wedding, i think its pretty crass.
Why does someone feel they deserve £100 (or more.. or £10 for that matter!) just because they've decided to throw some massively expensive party? You dont need to have a party in order to be married.
If i ever get wed im tsking my mates to the pub, on me, and asking for nout.

But then maybe im a grouch..

People have asked for gifts for decades?! That’s not new. I don’t see how asking for money is any different, most couples now live together and have house stuff before marriage.
OP - £50 is fine. And weird you know how much they’ll get in money gifts

SurprisedWithAHorse · 03/10/2023 09:49

In some cultures, people pin money on the bride during the reception.

It's weird that the country with possibly the most pronounced, obvious and celebrated class system in the world is the one that is most opposed to being open and honest about wedding gifts.

TedMullins · 03/10/2023 10:17

DoorPath · 02/10/2023 06:11

I don't know why everyone is so upset/surprised by giving a cash gift for a wedding - pretty standard.

OP, etiquette is £50 per person or £150 for a family.

There’s ways and means of asking though isn’t there. “No gifts required but if you wish, a cash gift would be much appreciated”- acceptable. Bank details on the website and going on about how much she’s already raked in? Grabby AF.

Jinimcoroneo · 03/10/2023 12:51

I don't think it's fair for her to ask everyone to give money, esp when it will range depending on the person. We had a big wedding in India, my parents really just wanted to throw a massive expensive party. For wedding gifts we asked people to donate whatever amount they wanted which was going to be given as a gift to the elephant sanctuary we were going to visit in Jaipur. Some people gave some didn't, but we said up front where the money was going and why we were asking.

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