Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/09/2023 13:12

MeinKraft · 30/09/2023 09:56

Buy her a Mr and Mrs photo frame.

🤣🤣🤣

RisingSunn · 30/09/2023 13:14

£50 if you can afford it at the moment is fine.
Also they are not much of a friend if not receiving money from you would damage the relationship!

amiboverd · 30/09/2023 13:14

Give what you can afford.

I've given £40-50 to friends for their weddings and I've received similar.

I didn't receive more than that except from family but then I didn't have a best friend when I got married.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/09/2023 13:18

Why are some people so vexed by the idea of couples starting a preference for money as their wedding gifts?
are you desperate to buy a toaster or something?! Lol

Viviennemary · 30/09/2023 13:21

I think £100 would be better especially if there is more than you going from your family. If it's only you then £50 would be just about ok.

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 13:26

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/09/2023 13:18

Why are some people so vexed by the idea of couples starting a preference for money as their wedding gifts?
are you desperate to buy a toaster or something?! Lol

It’s because that can’t buy cheap shit and wrap it up nicely and pretend they think it cost more. If you give money people know how much you’ve spent

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 13:42

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

You give what you can afford. If they have any class, they will accept whatever you give as a gift with grace and thankfulness.

swimona · 30/09/2023 13:47

I agree with PPs and say £50 is enough, you'll have other expenses like outfits and drinks etc and I'm sure your friend will appreciate that.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/09/2023 13:55

A request for money is simply that. You do not have to stand by it. You can send a gift if that is what you wish, or something like a John Lewis gift card.

I think the requests for money are rather sad. I had a home of my own when we got married. There were still plenty of nice things we wanted that upgraded the singleton stuff:

Quality sheets and pillowcases
Carving dish
Carving set
Nice table mats
Couple of naice bins
Silver ladle
Naice photo frames
Good towels
Steak knives
Good quality pots and pans
Vases
Damask table linen
Good sturdy colander
Wedgwood China
Etc, etc

Even now, more than 30 years on we sometimes pipe up "Diana, bless her, bought these pans, or Anne bought those Bayeux tapestry bins when we empty one, Mark the carving dish. It brings back memories of a lovely day and wonderful friends. It's sad such things will be missed.

Money, if requested, should be for a charity. DS and DIL didn't have favors but donated what they would have cost to Shelter. It was a gesture very welcomed. They got nice presents though

SymbolicSymbals · 30/09/2023 14:03

You should give what you feel you can afford, and they’re not great friends if they take issue with it. I’d have been mortified if anyone had given me a wedding present that was more than they felt comfortable with because they were worried about my reaction. It’s now four years on and I can’t remember who gave what, and if someone had felt that they couldn’t give anything at all that was fine - them being there and a card was enough. Weddings are out of control.

faban · 30/09/2023 14:19

I'd be mortified if someone gave me £100 and couldn't afford it.

ClaraBourne · 30/09/2023 15:00

Any friendship potentially damaged by your very lucky friend being GIFTED a huge wedding, asking for money and getting pissy with you that if you can't afford to give her your hard earned cash, is frankly one that is worth losing.

pantypant · 30/09/2023 16:25

RangleDrang · 30/09/2023 09:44

Eugh, still cant believe that in this day and age people ask for money/gifts for a wedding, i think its pretty crass.
Why does someone feel they deserve £100 (or more.. or £10 for that matter!) just because they've decided to throw some massively expensive party? You dont need to have a party in order to be married.
If i ever get wed im tsking my mates to the pub, on me, and asking for nout.

But then maybe im a grouch..

It's not for the wedding itself. That's paid for by parents. It is completely normal in many many cultures to give the newly weds money instead of stuff. Nothing crass about it. It's become much more normal in the UK now. Rather than calling something crass perhaps broaden your global understanding of how things are done

pantypant · 30/09/2023 16:26

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/09/2023 10:01

Buy them a nice olive or lemon tree for their garden or conservatory. I know a small one costs around £30 so for £50 you'd get something a decent size, and what a treat to have your own lemons!

What if they don't want a tree? What if they don't have a garden or orangery? Are you for real? I hope you are being facetious

BrightLightTonight · 30/09/2023 16:43

If she is a true friend then she won’t care about how much you have given her - only that you are there to help her celebrate.

NeedToChangeName · 30/09/2023 16:52

Historically, wedding gifts were to help a young couple set up their first home

I think it's crass for an older cohabiting couple to request cash

But, I would normally cover the cost of my meal

Foodieasfuck · 30/09/2023 16:54

£100 is more than enough, I’d say.

pantypant · 30/09/2023 18:59

NeedToChangeName · 30/09/2023 16:52

Historically, wedding gifts were to help a young couple set up their first home

I think it's crass for an older cohabiting couple to request cash

But, I would normally cover the cost of my meal

Historically a young couple could realistically expect to own their own home. Nothing crass about money as a gift unless you think half the world is crass. Gifting money is completely standard in much if not most of the world.

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 21:01

I’m of Indian heritage. Giving cash is the norm in my parents’ culture. And it is still crass, imo. Especially in a western, 2 income, already settled in a home with plenty of stuff situation.

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 21:16

@Ridemeginger I would think it is quite crass turning up to a wedding reception without a gift of some sort, and even more crass if you decide you know better than the B&G what they want (unless what they are asking for is unrealistic)

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 21:27

I think it is crass to want anything from wedding guests full stop. Why should you expect guests who are giving up time, money and sometimes holiday days to come to your wedding to then give you something for the privilege - and bitch about you if you don’t? I have always given B&Gs whatever they have asked for, btw, usually from a wedding list. For my own (large and expensive and paid for by DH and me) wedding, we specifically asked for no presents. Like I said in a previous post, outside of a setting up home scenario as a very young/poor couple, I don’t understand why people think they deserve a reward for getting married.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2023 21:44

She's your oldest friend but if you don't give her hundreds for her wedding day she won't be your friend any more? How old are you both?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 01/10/2023 12:36

pantypant · 30/09/2023 16:26

What if they don't want a tree? What if they don't have a garden or orangery? Are you for real? I hope you are being facetious

Show quote history

What? No, I'm not being facetious. They've got everything they need already, according to the OP. So if she doesn't want to stick £50 in an envelope then she can buy a nice plant that will brighten up their house or garden and is something she has chosen for them but doesn't cost her a fortune. They might not have a garden but presumably they have a window sill? I have bought a small lemon tree for someone and also rose bushes for wedding presents and the recipients were both really pleased.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 01/10/2023 12:41

How sad that you feel you will only keep a friendship based on how much money you give her

nearlywinteragain · 01/10/2023 13:05

If they want money then give them that but only what you can afford.
If someone has asked for something which easily available and can be given in any amount like cash can it makes no sense to buy them trees or wine or other stuff.

Why would you think you know better than they do what they want and buy them random stuff?
They have asked you to the wedding because they like you. If you like them back just do as they have asked. The amount of money is up to you.