Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
Rainsdropskeepfalling · 30/09/2023 11:00

So they aren't teenagers, their parents are paying for the wedding (who the hell still does that?), they are old enough to have a house and contents and they are asking for money? Blimey. Grabby or what.

wereonthemarket · 30/09/2023 11:03

I'd try to pay for the cost of a nice meal (which you should hopefully get at the wedding)

So if just you is going maybe £35. If your family of 4 are going then maybe £100+. If your family is 8 then more.

TattoosAndTango · 30/09/2023 11:04

Just to say my ex really pushed for us to ask for money not presents at our wedding and honestly, every time I think about it I cringe from embarrassment. Totally crass and grabby and made us look like utter tits 😳 he was very controlling and financially abusive towards me, which is why he wanted money.

Some people gave us presents anyway which was fine by me 😊🥰 and I definitely can't remember how much the people who did give us money gave us. So please don't overthink this x

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 11:07

But if this person is expecting total money that runs in the thousands, would they be expecting that in cash?

DH was saying the other day he had only used a cash point once since COVID times. And really the only times I use cash is when organising fundraising events for our guide group.

PinkMoscatoLover · 30/09/2023 11:08

RangleDrang · 30/09/2023 09:44

Eugh, still cant believe that in this day and age people ask for money/gifts for a wedding, i think its pretty crass.
Why does someone feel they deserve £100 (or more.. or £10 for that matter!) just because they've decided to throw some massively expensive party? You dont need to have a party in order to be married.
If i ever get wed im tsking my mates to the pub, on me, and asking for nout.

But then maybe im a grouch..

I don’t see the problem in giving money as you’d spend money on the gift anyway. Most people already live together when they’re about to get married so they probably wouldn’t actually need anything.

Even £50 sounds generous enough to me OP

mangochops · 30/09/2023 11:09

ToDamp0rNotToDamp · 30/09/2023 09:45

OP,

If you can’t afford to give £100 then don’t. A card with a sincere message should be enough for a true friend.

I have plenty of friends who didn’t give ££ when we got married and wrote us lovely cards, which I have kept and enjoy looking back on. I’d be mortified to find out someone had gifted us money and it had caused them financial hardship.

If not giving your friend money will damage the friendship then that’s quite a weird friendship

THIS. If a friend disowns you because you can only give what you can afford then what kind of shitty "friend" is that? why would you even want people in your life who monetise your friendship???

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 11:09

@Rainsdropskeepfalling if you were going to a wedding would you not give a gift? If you were giving a gift would you prefer to give them something they wanted or something you think they should want?

Maireas · 30/09/2023 11:12

You are being unreasonable to give more than you can afford. Don't do that.
Give £50, as pp have said.
I'm also disappointed it's not about hiding your friend before a wedding...

TheHappyCarrot · 30/09/2023 11:19

MeinKraft · 30/09/2023 09:56

Buy her a Mr and Mrs photo frame.

Don't do this, yuk!

LadyMary50 · 30/09/2023 11:23

A few years ago my niece got married,at the reception they had a wooden wishing well for people to put money in if they wished.I thought this was a much better idea than giving a card with money in as the amount you gave was anonymous..

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 30/09/2023 11:24

@crumblingschools it's a good point but all the weddings I've been to recently when the couple have lived together, have a house together etc they have asked for no gifts, just come for the party. Different if it's a young couple just setting up.

RedSquirrelsRock · 30/09/2023 11:24

If they have already received £5 - £10k they have some very generous friends, relatives, hinting or she's bigging it up🤔
£50 and pick the bones out of it, if she moans she's not the friend you think she is supposed to be.

Nellynoo182 · 30/09/2023 11:24

Give whatever you can afford OP. When we got married (we did not ask for anything) but we were given a huge variation of money/ gifts/ nothing from guests. One of my friends who is a single mother and works her arse off gave us £30 and wrote a lovely card. It meant a hell of a lot more to us than those who gave £100+ because we knew the value of it to her. If they are good friends they are inviting you for your company and nothing else :)

Bored1000 · 30/09/2023 11:30

100 is fine, is it just you going or is your partner going as well

Ketty72 · 30/09/2023 11:36

I'm quite shocked that you feel you need to give more than you can afford otherwise it would damage the friendship. What kind of friendship/friend is this?

Had she given you a specific idea about how much is needed for it to be 'enough'? What if £250 is her benchmark not £100 and this damages your friendship anyway. Has her grabbiness damaged the friendship for you?

Give £60 or £75 if you can't being yourself to give 'just' £50 (which is absolutely fine!) but I really wouldn't got to £100.

Lysianthus · 30/09/2023 11:36

@Russooooo I was thinking she could jump out of a massive wedding cake?

IncompleteSenten · 30/09/2023 11:38

50 is fine. Hell, nothing is fine! If I was getting married I would be really upset if I found out a friend was giving me a gift they couldn't afford.
People matter, not gifts.

Sunshinenrain · 30/09/2023 11:39

YABU
You can’t afford £100 so give what you can afford.
If this is only £5 or £10 then give that instead.

If she falls out with you because you couldn’t afford more (especially when money is obviously no object for her) then she’s not your friend.

PortalooSunset · 30/09/2023 11:39

If you can't afford £100 don't give it.

If she decides what you give "isn't enough", she's not a real friend.

Sunshinenrain · 30/09/2023 11:39

LadyMary50 · 30/09/2023 11:23

A few years ago my niece got married,at the reception they had a wooden wishing well for people to put money in if they wished.I thought this was a much better idea than giving a card with money in as the amount you gave was anonymous..

That is a lovely idea.

FridaySpark · 30/09/2023 11:40

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

If your friendship could be damaged by not giving enough money, I don't think it's a good friendship.

MinimalistMe · 30/09/2023 11:46

This is so gross to me, we're not well off, and I'd never dream of expecting people to give us money as a wedding gift. It's so self centered and greedy.

ididntwanttodoit · 30/09/2023 11:49

I would give £50. I think that's enough for a gift.

dreamygirl25 · 30/09/2023 11:53

I voted yabu to give £100 if you can't afford it. If their parents are paying, they don't really need reimbursing. If their parents are paying for the massive wedding surely the couple don't need reimbursing. In your situation I'd probably buy them a couple of bottles of fizz. Your friend should understand that you can't afford a big money gift.

Robinni · 30/09/2023 11:56

If you and partner are going £100 is reasonable - it will cost them this minimum to feed/entertain you both for the day. If you have kids going too then yes absolutely £100.

If you were a friend of the parents or work acquaintance coming to the evening do then £25 - 50 would be acceptable.

But you’re a close friend of 20yrs.

Think about what she did for you if you are married or what she would do if you aren’t.

Stick with £100, go enjoy the event.

Swipe left for the next trending thread