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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
coolkatt · 30/09/2023 11:57

give a
£100 meal voucher for them both to use at their fav place.

Universalsnail · 30/09/2023 11:58

If you can't afford it I honestly wouldn't bother or give like £20 £50 if you can afford it but I wouldn't gift £100. Wedding gifts were too set people up in their new home as a family and that isn't a thing anymore. I don't feel obliged to give wedding gifts. Id give a nice thoughtful card and give my time to attend.

MrsPositivity1 · 30/09/2023 11:58

You should only give what you can afford.

Here in Ireland it's usually the approximate cost of your meal plus some. Close family member, ie niece/nephew we give about £300/£400 depending on whether our 2 teenagers are also going.

Bored1000 · 30/09/2023 12:06

Give what you can afford but I think the norm is £50 per person or higher

Maireas · 30/09/2023 12:08

coolkatt · 30/09/2023 11:57

give a
£100 meal voucher for them both to use at their fav place.

She can't afford £100.

Cowlover89 · 30/09/2023 12:09

Give what you can afford x

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 12:15

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

Wedding gifts were given to set up the newlyweds in their home. And the happy couple were usually quite young so hadn't had time to build up savings or a bottom drawer.
Times have changed

If the couple are marrying after already setting up home and living together then I would give a lovely card and a small gift as a token.

£100 is too much. Make it £50 if you feel you must

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 12:17

MrsPositivity1 · 30/09/2023 11:58

You should only give what you can afford.

Here in Ireland it's usually the approximate cost of your meal plus some. Close family member, ie niece/nephew we give about £300/£400 depending on whether our 2 teenagers are also going.

When you really think about this, it's nuts.

You've shelled out loads for outfits, possible transport and accommodation

Then you're forking out loads for someone else's party!

Barmy!

Maireas · 30/09/2023 12:18

Yes, I don't see why you should "cover the meal". You're a guest!

MumW · 30/09/2023 12:23

If you can think of a suitable gift, you can go with that, otherwise, I'd give whatever you can afford, then buy 2 identical lottery tickets. Keep one and put the other in the card. (You need the second for you so that there is no awkwardness if it happens to be winning numbers!)

If not giving a set amount of money is going to upset the relationship then it isn't a friendship.

ChristmasFluff · 30/09/2023 12:23

Don't give more than you can afford or want to give, and if it damages the firendship - well, if it was that fragile, the best thing to do is let it break.

Mischance · 30/09/2023 12:25

Give them a card saying you have made a donation to a food bank in celebration of their wedding. They have everything they need and are set to receive more than they need, so use the gift for someone who really needs it.

I hate these requests for money at weddings.

BluebellsForest · 30/09/2023 12:26

I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

This is awful. Why do you think that? She's sounding incredibly grabby.

IgnoranceNotOk · 30/09/2023 12:27

YABU to give £100 if that is a struggle for you!
A wedding is about celebrating two people who want to spend their lives together - not how much they can get from other people!

I loved the personalised gifts we received for our wedding and now I do that for weddings we’re invited to most of the time rather than money (mainly because we mostly received money but those personalised gifts felt really special and thoughtful so I don’t think most people give gifts now).
personalised wine glasses and a good bottle of wine is a good gift and not too expensive.

I dread being invited to the whole day and evening and would much rather be invited to the reception for the fun part so maybe I’m not the right person for this post!

ambitchious · 30/09/2023 12:32

If she is your friend wouldn’t she want you to live within your means?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/09/2023 12:34

You are being completely unreasonable to give more than you can afford out of fear that she'll be pissed off at you otherwise.

ilovesushi · 30/09/2023 12:37

I thought you had an embarrassing friend and wanted her at your wedding but no one to see her.

Has she asked for cash? Give what you want and what you can afford. £50 sounds fine to me.

Daffodil18 · 30/09/2023 12:45

I normally go off how many people I’m putting in the card that would have a meal. If it’s a family of 4 then £100 is sufficient as you would pay that for a meal.

Wrongsideofpennines · 30/09/2023 12:47

We got some lovely gifts for our wedding. We also got some lovely cards. But the thing I loved the most was the people who bothered to get dressed and spend the day with us.

If you can't afford to give money then don't give money. Likelihood is you already spent some money on an outfit, transport to get there and drinks at the bar. That is sufficient.

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 30/09/2023 12:48

If it were me. A bottle of fizz and a note to say enjoy on your anniversary.

ohdamnitjanet · 30/09/2023 12:50

£5O max depending on your circumstances.

MariePaperRoses · 30/09/2023 12:55

Give £10 if that's all you can afford.

£50 sounds perfectly fine if you want to give more.

Stopsnowing · 30/09/2023 12:57

Weddings are expensive so I don’t mind giving money so the couple are not out of pocket. I’m this case they really don’t need money so I would give them a bottle of champagne and a card.

availablesometimes · 30/09/2023 13:11

Why would your friendship be damaged if you don't give enough money? If you can't really afford it, then it would seem wise to reduce it to what you can afford?

FloweryName · 30/09/2023 13:12

£100 is a very generous wedding gift for a friend. But as you say it’s from you and your family I’d assume that means a partner and at least one child it’s about right.

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