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Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2023 10:01

I would absolutely hate someone to go short to give me a present.

We got gifts from books to £500 and our wedding and every single one was appreciated equally.

If you gift wasn’t deemed expensive enough I’d be rethinking the friendship. Length of a friendship isn’t an indication that it’s either a good or healthy friendship.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/09/2023 10:01

Or a rose bush.

thatwassociopathic · 30/09/2023 10:03

A £50 voucher for a nice restaurant will be ideal

FUPAgirl · 30/09/2023 10:05

How on earth do you know how much they will receive and why is it relevant? I absolutely would not give them cash, give them a gift as per previous suggestions on this thread and say it was important to you to give them something that they can keep. Just because they want money, doesn't mean they should get it.

I am also disappointed this thread isn't about hiding a runaway bride though.

Darkmode2 · 30/09/2023 10:08

You shouldnt be giving £100 if you can't afford too. Give what you can comfortably afford, if she's funny about it she isn't a real friend to you.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 10:11

If she's a real friend, she won't want you giving more than you can afford. She'll just want you there. If you can't afford £100, give what you can afford.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/09/2023 10:11

I think you should give what you can comfortably afford, and no more.

If she is a good friend, then she would be absolutely horrified at the idea of you feeling under pressure to give a gift that might put you and your family in financial difficulty of any sort.

If she is the type to let the friendship be affected by you giving what you can afford, then her friendship is not worth having in any case.

Is she broadly familiar with your financial situation? If not, I might be inclined to let her know that money was tight so that she didn't think that the low amount was a reflection of the value that I placed on the friendship. If she is a half-way decent person, then she will accept whatever gift you are able to give with good grace.

Original poster
Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 10:12

Thank you everyone. They’ve already had quite a bit of money sent ahead of the wedding (the bank details were on their wedding page).

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 30/09/2023 10:13

I think £50 is more than enough. Give what you can afford. Wedding are expensive for guests…buying outfits can cost a fortune. I wouldn’t want any of my guests giving me money they couldn’t afford and wouldn’t Judge anyone for giving a small amount (or even nothing). I am guessing they are serving you a meal after the wedding so I would probably base the amount in what the meal would cost you but only if you can afford it of course.

ASCCM · 30/09/2023 10:13

Asking for money is so gross. I honestly will never understand it.

In the circumstances you describe, where your friend has everything and a free wedding i would donate your £50 to a charity or something. I certainly wouldn’t give more than I could afford.

Russooooo · 30/09/2023 10:14

Now that we’ve established how much is appropriate, can we please discuss how to hide a bride?

I’m voting for a Trojan horse type scenario so that she can be wheeled into the ceremony unnoticed.

ASCCM · 30/09/2023 10:14

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 10:12

Thank you everyone. They’ve already had quite a bit of money sent ahead of the wedding (the bank details were on their wedding page).

bank details.???? oh god!! This is so vile and entitled!!

Daisymae55 · 30/09/2023 10:14

Only give what you can afford OP.

When I got married the thing that meant the most to us was cards with lovey messages in them. I’ve still got them all. Gifts are of course lovely but I don’t think your friend would want you to be short of money because of her wedding. Just gift what you can afford. Plenty of my friends just gave cards at my wedding, the cards and the fact they’d travelled to celebrate with us were more than enough of a gift so please don’t put pressure on yourself to spend more than you can afford

listsandbudgets · 30/09/2023 10:15

my friend got married a few years ago. they asked for no presents to but said that the only thing they really wanted was life time membership of the national trust and any donations to that would be very gratefully received but there was no pressure and there would be a bucket at the reception for anyone who wanted to contribute with any surplus going to charity.

it was quite liberating as there was no competitive giving or worrying whether it was enough and theyd think less of you for giving 20 not 50 or even nothing because nobody knew it just got dropped in the. bucket . in the end they got their membership and £400 went to charity

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2023 10:16

Why on earth would it damaged your friendship?

Lampzade · 30/09/2023 10:19

£50 is fine

Mariposista · 30/09/2023 10:20

Imagine if they go on to split up after all that mo et aha been spent on them (by other people) enjoying themselves and being centre of attention for the day.

DurhamDurham · 30/09/2023 10:23

Well I opened this thinking it was going to be much more exciting that it is Grin I was wondering why would she need to hide the bride?

To answer your question, if she's an actual friend she won't base your friendship on how much you give her.

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 10:23

If they want money then bank details are quite important! But are you saying there are details of how much people are giving?

Barleysugar86 · 30/09/2023 10:23

We always give £50 in a card. We asked for gift vouchers for ours to put towards baby things if possible, and most people gave £50 value, so thats what we now do for others.

RicherThanYews · 30/09/2023 10:25

When I got married 13 years ago I invited many of my friends who worked in a supermarket at the time so not the greatest wage on earth. They all chipped in £5 and put it into a lovely card, they didn't have to and it was generous enough at that. £100 is absurd!

BlueMongoose · 30/09/2023 10:26

It's disgusting to ask for presents unless people say they wish to give you one and ask what you'd like, of course. I made a list because family asked me to, I only sent the list to those who asked for one, and I made sure there were plenty of small items that didn't cost much. If you have everything you need, which rather sounds like you are a picky, fussy person and don't trust/accept your guests' taste, even then you ought not to suggest money.
Asking for money, unless you are very hard up when it's fair enough if people ask what they can give you, just isn't on. You should ask people to your wedding because you want to share a special day with them, not because you want them to give you stuff, and the invitation shouldn't imply any need to give you anything. I was pleased when people could come to ours, in many cases it had cost them to travel and stay overnight, and the fact they spent that money just to be with us was more than enough of a gift for me.

Original poster
Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 10:26

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 10:23

If they want money then bank details are quite important! But are you saying there are details of how much people are giving?

No, my friend was talking about what she’d already received!

OP posts:
BlueMongoose · 30/09/2023 10:27

listsandbudgets · 30/09/2023 10:15

my friend got married a few years ago. they asked for no presents to but said that the only thing they really wanted was life time membership of the national trust and any donations to that would be very gratefully received but there was no pressure and there would be a bucket at the reception for anyone who wanted to contribute with any surplus going to charity.

it was quite liberating as there was no competitive giving or worrying whether it was enough and theyd think less of you for giving 20 not 50 or even nothing because nobody knew it just got dropped in the. bucket . in the end they got their membership and £400 went to charity

That's a really lovely idea.

MorrisZapp · 30/09/2023 10:27

Often, close family will give relatively large sums. Anything from friends feels like a bonus so really just give what you can genuinely afford, and feel is reasonable.