Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give my friend for her wedding?

201 replies

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 09:40

My friend of 20 years is getting married very soon. She’s asked for money as they already have everything they need at home. The whole wedding is paid for my their parents, It’s a huge wedding and they’re on track to receive £5000-£10,000 in wedding gifts.

Would £100 from me and my family be okay? I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 30/09/2023 10:29

We went to a recent close family wedding. We wanted to gift £100, but I'm not working at the moment. We could only afford £40. We did feel bad, but we have to live within our means. Looking back on when we got married, we had money at the time and didn't ask for anything. I just loved reading all the cards. If she's a real friend then she'll understand and wouldn't want you to struggle.

saraclara · 30/09/2023 10:30

(the bank details were on their wedding page).

Classy

Iwasafool · 30/09/2023 10:30

listsandbudgets · 30/09/2023 10:15

my friend got married a few years ago. they asked for no presents to but said that the only thing they really wanted was life time membership of the national trust and any donations to that would be very gratefully received but there was no pressure and there would be a bucket at the reception for anyone who wanted to contribute with any surplus going to charity.

it was quite liberating as there was no competitive giving or worrying whether it was enough and theyd think less of you for giving 20 not 50 or even nothing because nobody knew it just got dropped in the. bucket . in the end they got their membership and £400 went to charity

I think that's a lovely idea. No pressure, they got a gift they valued and charity benefitted. I can't see a downside.

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 10:30

If they already have everything they need at home, why are they asking for anything? Wedding gifts were, once upon a time, given to help a young couple set up home from scratch. They seem to have evolved into a tool for blackmailing your friends with social opprobrium, if they don't give the right amount of cash or prizes to justify being invited. And I say prize, because people seem to think they deserve a reward for getting hitched and allowing you to watch this happen. I love the NT membership donation bucket mentioned above - a meaningful gift given on the day in celebration, where people are able to give what they are able to if they want to.

Funkyslippers · 30/09/2023 10:30

It sounds like your friend has put a price on your friendship with her. That would make me give around £20 tbh. I can't be doing with grabby friends

readbooksdrinktea · 30/09/2023 10:32

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 10:26

No, my friend was talking about what she’d already received!

Show quote history

She's all class..

PoseasRadicalActuallyMisogynistic · 30/09/2023 10:34

Money is a very sensible gift, why buy something that will inevitably end up on gumtree or in land fill.
I’d give at least £100 but then I can afford it. On the other hand for a wedding which cost £££ to attend, and no gifts was specified .I have sent a bouquet after the event.

Statsinyoureyes · 30/09/2023 10:34

When friends ask for money for weddings I normally go £50. We don't have much money, in fact most of my friends who have asked for money gifts are better off than me, for me £50 is a significant gift.

LargeglassofRosePlease · 30/09/2023 10:36

Mothership4two · 30/09/2023 09:42

Give what you can afford.

Beside the point but how do you know they are on track to receive that amount?

Yeah . That was my thought too.

Redlarge · 30/09/2023 10:36

MeinKraft · 30/09/2023 09:56

Buy her a Mr and Mrs photo frame.

Ha ha. Or a horseshoe

LargeglassofRosePlease · 30/09/2023 10:38

Funkyslippers · 30/09/2023 10:30

It sounds like your friend has put a price on your friendship with her. That would make me give around £20 tbh. I can't be doing with grabby friends

Me too.

I don’t have any grabby friends thank goodness because it’s non negotiable for me so I stop being friends with people like this. Can’t help it but it has always seemed to work for me.

It suggests if for one second you do this op, just sharing my thoughts on it.

irregularegular · 30/09/2023 10:38

I agree that £50 is plenty if you do not have much money to spare. If she is a good friend she will know that you are not rich and it should not in any way damage a long good friendship. It doesn't sound as if they need the money so it would be silly to stretch yourself! If they've got everything they need AND their parents are paying then quite frankly they should be saying no presents OR money, or at least sending a signal that a very small token is more than fine.

skyeisthelimit · 30/09/2023 10:39

What everyone else gives her is irrelevant to you, you only need to give what you can afford.

I wouldn't want a friend of 20 years to leave themselves short

Chickenkeev · 30/09/2023 10:42

Dancemumma · 30/09/2023 10:12

Thank you everyone. They’ve already had quite a bit of money sent ahead of the wedding (the bank details were on their wedding page).

Oh dear. That is so unclassy. I'm in ireland, money is generally the go to present. 150 is (was?) the standard present. But tbh, i totally don't remember what anyone gave us, i remember that people were at the wedding.

ClairDeLaLune · 30/09/2023 10:47

I hate this it’s so tacky! Give £50, that would’ve been a reasonable amount to spend on some towels say.

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 10:47

Gosh you don’t have to give anything - just a card. Or 25 quid if you want to.

If she’s a friend she won’t care.

I can think of nothing worse than someone giving me a present that meant they and their kids were hard up that month.

Pollywoddles · 30/09/2023 10:51

That’s really tacky, I’d be tempted not to go.

I’m in Ireland too and the general idea is to cover the cost of the meal and a bit more on top so we’re giving anything from €250 to €300 these days but people never ask for it
or give bank details (at least my friends don’t).

We had a small wedding with a free bar all day. Some people didn’t give us anything but everyone who attended got a card to thank them for taking the time to be there on our day and to be part of our happy memories of it. We had the wedding we could afford, not the one we thought other people should pay us for.

CeciliaMars · 30/09/2023 10:52

I think that is pretty grouchy! Most people want to give a gift for a wedding. The days of people needing china teapots, or indeed anything for their house if they are older and already own stuff, are over. If people would prefer cash towards an experience or holiday, I'm happy to give that.
But OP, give what you can afford. £100 is very generous and would be a lot for us.

Labtastic · 30/09/2023 10:53

I can’t really afford it but feel it could damage the friendship if I don’t.

If not giving her money you can't afford to give damages your friendship then she's a really shit friend.

Chickenkeev · 30/09/2023 10:53

Pollywoddles · 30/09/2023 10:51

That’s really tacky, I’d be tempted not to go.

I’m in Ireland too and the general idea is to cover the cost of the meal and a bit more on top so we’re giving anything from €250 to €300 these days but people never ask for it
or give bank details (at least my friends don’t).

We had a small wedding with a free bar all day. Some people didn’t give us anything but everyone who attended got a card to thank them for taking the time to be there on our day and to be part of our happy memories of it. We had the wedding we could afford, not the one we thought other people should pay us for.

It's a good few years since i've been to a wedding but you are v generous! That's loads!

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 10:55

How do people give money if they don’t have bank details? How many people use cash nowadays?

BarbieKew · 30/09/2023 10:55

If you can’t afford £100, give £50 and a nice bottle of Prosecco or whatever they like. There are some lovely presentation bottles for around £10-15.

cocksstrideintheevening · 30/09/2023 10:58

I have no issue with giving money but bank details on the wedding page?!

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 30/09/2023 10:59

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 10:55

How do people give money if they don’t have bank details? How many people use cash nowadays?

Cash can be put in the bank. Shops still accept cash. 🙄

Chickenkeev · 30/09/2023 10:59

crumblingschools · 30/09/2023 10:55

How do people give money if they don’t have bank details? How many people use cash nowadays?

I've never come across bank details in this context tbh. Am early 40s. You just give cash. I'm surprised by the bank details. But i'm only speaking to my own experience.