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Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
Avenueofcherryblossom · 29/09/2023 10:39

I think he has a point. Jane is living on the charity of others without acknowledging it.

Jane is living far beyond her means and she seems to be able to because she has somehow convinced a group of people that they should pay for her.

Why are Jane’s outgoings so much higher than her income that she can’t even buy her own food? How does she feel about relying on her 80 year old mother to feed her?

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:44

Her rent is £1300 a month and he after tax income is £1741......She lives in the southeast

OP posts:
Rattymcratty · 29/09/2023 10:45

I have a friend who is NHS band 3 (very important role from the 80s but because she didn’t need a formal qualification for that role back then that’s the best she’s offered).

she left her abusive ex and now rents a small flat. She barely makes ends meet. I’ll quite often treat her to lunch/dinner/take out.

she’s not a freeloader as she’ll never ask me to pay but I know she doesn’t have any disposable income. I don’t see her as a charity case. She’s my friend and I know if the roles were reversed she’d do exactly the same. I’d be mortified if she thought she ought to shame herself into a public gratitude.

Yesnomaybeok · 29/09/2023 10:46

Avenueofcherryblossom · 29/09/2023 10:39

I think he has a point. Jane is living on the charity of others without acknowledging it.

Jane is living far beyond her means and she seems to be able to because she has somehow convinced a group of people that they should pay for her.

Why are Jane’s outgoings so much higher than her income that she can’t even buy her own food? How does she feel about relying on her 80 year old mother to feed her?

Why does she need to acknowledge it publicly on FB though. Presumably she says thank you and shows appreciation in person. So much of people's personal lives are splashed on social media and it doesn't make it a better thank you to stick it on social media does it?

SquigglyGum · 29/09/2023 10:46

I'm with you OP. You're paying for her so you can still see her and have fun together, without it that would stop. But suggesting she should make it known all over fb that she is a charity case who is ever so grateful to her benefactors without whom she would miss out? How humiliating for her that would be. She is grateful, she sends a card. She should be "allowed" to post what she likes, and if that's celebrating fun with friends then so be it.

Perhaps since your dh isn't keen on it, you could rearrange finances so your money goes into the joint account but you then pay yourselves an equal amount of fun money each month. You can do with it what you like and so can he.

Sprinkles211 · 29/09/2023 10:49

She cannot afford the lifestyle she wants, she's a grown up she needs to change her living circumstances instead of letting everyone else foot the bill, to be consistently borrowing money from parents at that age and not doing anything about her circumstances is embarrassing

WasThereAnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 29/09/2023 10:50

Your DH sounds like a charmer.

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:50

That wouldnt work.... he hardly spends anything. Which is fine because I'm the main earner (double his take home).

After all out bills (we are mortage free) we ahve £5K per month to spend on food, fuel, holidays and shite and giggles. No kids.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 29/09/2023 10:50

I mean, I think posting on Facebook about other people paying for your days out is weird. I would be suspicious of anyone who did that because it sounds almost like they are fishing for more freebies actually.

But for people who have joint finances, where truly you combine your incomes and pay from one pot, you both have to agree to how that money is spent. If your dh isn't comfortable with you spending money like this on your friend, then you need to re-consider how you arrange your finances or you need to not be paying money for your friend.

I'd be pretty annoyed if dh was paying for friends' transport or days out for them from our joint account. I have no issue if he pays for it from his personal account as that money is for him to spend how he wishes, as is mine. But our friend's jollies aren't a joint household expense and I wouldn't want to be funding them.

NewNameNigel · 29/09/2023 10:53

There is a certain type of person who resents other people for getting help, even if they themselves don't need that help or have had similar help from others in the past. The sort of person who might call people on benefits scroungers but see themselves as entitled to inherit wealth.

Is your husband like this?

MariePaperRoses · 29/09/2023 10:56

Team husband.

Your so called friend is actively pursuing a life she cannot afford and is happy to keep on take take taking from her chums who indulge her.

She should be doing everything in her power to resolve her situation rather than her sponging off other as being an acceptable way of life.

WasThereAnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 29/09/2023 10:59

Our DS is on an apprenticeship, he is not overly well paid, his college was not performing as expected so the company have moved himself and the other apprentice to a place in West London, ball ache of a journey aside, we pay his train fare and takeaway lunch on college days( we would have had to support him in Uni).

He does not thank us on FB, nor would I expect it, it is made round to go round.

Ten years ago a friend came to me in dire straits, I offered to loan her the sum total of our life savings then about £5,000, then I told my DH, he replied no problem. She paid it back in double quick time, but I had every confidence that DH’s reply would be no problem. That is why I married him.

I wouldn’t be reevaluating my friendship, I would be reevaluating the person I married.

Finteq · 29/09/2023 11:00

You're husband is being unreasonable.

If she is thanking you personally she shouldn't have put repeated gratitude all over Facebook.

If you're happy to pay then there isn't an issue.

tattygrl · 29/09/2023 11:00

Your husband's comments make me feel a bit uncomfortable, in that he's judging how she posts on facebook and he thinks she needs to make it publicly known that she can't pay for herself and should extend public gratitude every time. It's just a bit icky and superior of him. She thanks you, that's what matters. If you don't feel sponged off and taken for granted, that's the end of it as far as I can see. It sounds like she is just someone struggling with COL crisis. I'm sure she absolutely hates being helped financially by her mum. Doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to do nice things if her friends are able and willing to help her do so. Sounds like your DH thinks she's being poor in the wrong way.

TurqoiseJasper · 29/09/2023 11:01

Avenueofcherryblossom · 29/09/2023 10:39

I think he has a point. Jane is living on the charity of others without acknowledging it.

Jane is living far beyond her means and she seems to be able to because she has somehow convinced a group of people that they should pay for her.

Why are Jane’s outgoings so much higher than her income that she can’t even buy her own food? How does she feel about relying on her 80 year old mother to feed her?

As long as she thanks the actual friends who help her, why does it have to be publicly acknowledged on Facebook? Or any other social media?

FloydPepper · 29/09/2023 11:02

Why should she publicly acknowledge that she’s being helped out? I’d feel being pressured to do that is only so that the gifter can look good

as long as she says thanks privately then it’s fine for her to keep her money struggles private.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:02

Sounds like DH sees your money as his.

FloydPepper · 29/09/2023 11:03

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:02

Sounds like DH sees your money as his.

Which is fair as they are married…

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 11:04

His is mine and mine is his - its always been ours - a bit old fashioned but we are happy with that. Before he retired we were equal

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 29/09/2023 11:04

Hmm I mean she doesn’t need to thank you publicly as long as she thanks you personally but she’s showing off this lifestyle that’s funded completely by others when she’s basically not even able to live on her own wages and that’s off in itself.

She needs to seriously look at moving/changing jobs. Her mum won’t be here forever to support her and even as friends it’s going to get tiring at some point always paying for everything.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:06

FloydPepper · 29/09/2023 11:03

Which is fair as they are married…

Show quote history

Not always...

Springduckling · 29/09/2023 11:06

NewNameNigel · 29/09/2023 10:53

There is a certain type of person who resents other people for getting help, even if they themselves don't need that help or have had similar help from others in the past. The sort of person who might call people on benefits scroungers but see themselves as entitled to inherit wealth.

Is your husband like this?

Very well put! You've managed to articulate something I've felt about certain types. My in laws are exactly like this.

Personally I'm with OP on this , if she wants to give a friend money and has spare money, why not. I Don't think the friend should have to thank ppl of fb. Its not the place for it.

Different if it was leaving the op short of money .

My dad has given money to a friend in a similar way. Not huge amounts of money .
DH, similar to Ops DH , seems determined to try to stir things up about this, forever bringing it up.

I feel that if wants to give a mate of his some cash (and the friend has done a lot for dad over the years), then why not.

rookiemere · 29/09/2023 11:06

I do think it's a bit off to be talking about the gigs etc you have been to without saying thank you to the person who made it possible. But then I'm not sure why she needs to post about them at all.

Honeyroar · 29/09/2023 11:08

It sounds like buying her the odd ticket or train fare doesn’t affect your household money whatsoever. You are very comfortable financially, whereas she definitely isn’t. She sends thank you notes, that’s enough. Why does she have to publicly announce that things have been paid for by others? It’s their choice to take her places,

RoseBucket · 29/09/2023 11:08

Agree, that’s awful wanting her to shame herself. I presume they are offering and she isn’t asking?