DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

I'd love to hear about a lower earning woman insisting that her male partner's mate publicly thanks him on Facebook every time he's bought a few drinks - which is the point being made here.

Dude, the only reason you're on here is because you love trying to correct women. Just because you see everything as gendered doesn't make it so.

This isn't a male/female earners issue, it's a "complaining that a person doesn't publicly state on Facebook who paid for dinner, because that's so classy" issue.

Does that make you feel better?

She thanks you privately. Why does your DH need public acknowledgement? Does he have problems with any of your other friends?
It seems like a very mean-spirited way to try to drive a wedge between you and your friend.

I have a couple of friends like Jane, hard-working but very little money and none spare. I absolutely do what you do and quietly pay for everything. I would be beyond mortified if there was ANY public acknowledgment of it. Your husband is totally being U and very ungenerous to boot.

I agree with his point 1 but not his point 2 so much.

I think paying for things as one offs is ok but I wouldn’t be comfortable with people constantly paying for things for me.
Instead I would suggest meeting up and doing things that are free/cheap.
I think it says a lot about her if she’s regularly going to things that other people have paid for.

If someone had paid for something for me then I’d absolutely say thank you if I’d posted it on Facebook and made the friend aware how grateful I was.
But I think this only works if it’s not very often.
I can imagine it would be very embarrassing for her to say her outings are being paid for by everyone else.

I think it says a lot about her if she’s regularly going to things that other people have paid for.

They offer and she thanks them.

What exactly does it say about her?

He's jealous of the caring and consideration that you show her.

Does he ever thank you and tell you you are wonderful for all the nice things you do for him?

For some reason, he's taken umbridge at somebody 'taking advantage'.

The theme of 'being taken advantage of' is strong within him.
Does that ring a bell?

Forget the social media thing, and your DH’s opinion - no adult human being, let alone someone in their 50’s, should have outgoings greater than their income! Jane needs to sit down and take a long hard look at her life - what are her plans to get out of this situation, if any - other than relying on her 70/80 year old mother and friends to pay for her lifestyle?
You are enabling her to live an unsustainable lifestyle, surely you realise this isn’t doing her any favours long term… this has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on here recently.

You sound like a wonderful friend. Your husband sounds awful, why does he want your friend to fall to her knees and kiss his feet? He seems to want to see her humiliated on Facebook.

That's why I was always against any 'joint pots', but that's just me and my relationships. I'm an adult person earning my own money and after all the essentials/bills are paid, savings, etc covered, I will spend my leftover money however I please, without any input from my partner, thanks. I refuse to discuss my personal spending/ask for permission (??) from my partner, he's not my father or my owner. My partner is entitled to do the same, obvs.

Other than that, I'm with you, OP. You have more than enough money to treat your friend and you're happy to do so. Your friend always thanks you. I don't see a problem at all, it's your business, not your husband's.

Thanking friends over the facebook would be deeply embarrassing for both her and you, and humiliating for her. That's a mean and nasty suggestion from your husband.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

I assume she thanks people in person for tickets - she should not have to grovel in public. Fair enough if you no longer want to treat her to things, but it shouldn't be because of her Facebook posts. Your DH is treating it as if he were her corporate sponsor!

I'd do a test if I were you, stop paying for her and suggest free things you both can do.. See if you're still friends. If you are its a real friendship, if not then your husband was right.

Me too.
How lovely a friend she must be to have people around her who are happy to pay for things to have her with them, to know that the value of a good friendship is so much more than a few quid if they have it spare. To know that she must have done something in this friendship and be the kind of person to warrant that kind of kindness and sharing from her friends, not just one, but several of them.
Doesnt it speak volumes of the kind of good decent friend and person she must be? How lovely for her. Isnt it just marvellous?

So her friends (including yourself) treat her and take her out and she thanks them. I can't see the issue here. If people didn't want to pay, they don't have to. It doesn't sound like she's expecting it and I'm sure she is very aware of her financial situation and likely feels shame and embarrassment anyway. However your husband wants her to humiliate herself and publicly state on Facebook that she can't afford to do anything and make it known anytime anyone treats her.

That feels really icky to me and I think your husband should have a long think about why he wants her to do that and just feel happy that he is fortunately financially secure enough that he doesn't have to worry about these things.

She's a single woman, working hard and renting in the SE, most of her wages will be going towards her rent and surviving month to month. Really strange to want to shame her over that.

Do you think she should have publicly thanked people on FB rather than just privately?

If the OP suggested free things, then she would still have to pay the train fare, which is over £100 I guess.

The friend is probably staying local to her mum and her mum undoubtedly is subsiding her in exchange for her being around, supporting her and so on, so it's a transaction, not a gift. My mum still gets me things, I don't rely on her income but she loves to buy us shopping, and give us things, and I do the same for my children, it's like a cascade down the generations!

As it should be

But personally, maybe pointing out that he wouldn't have the lifestyle he has if it wasn't for you might make him knock off the comments and see your point of view.

In my friendship group we treat each other if we're in a better position financially. The whole gang being there is more important.

The real issue is that Jane works a job that I am assuming is vital. It's unfortunate she doesn't earn more but the reality is we need people to fill all NHS bands for it to function. Jane doesn't need to take a hard look at her lifestyle and income v outgoings, we all need to be paid enough to actually live a life. And as a friend you are helping her to do what the government can't or won't. God there are some horrendously callous people out there.

I agree. It's a reason why DH and I have separate money, it means we have little say on what each of us spend day to day because we earned that money so it is ours and ours alone to spend.

Fucking hell!! Why on earth should she need to publicise her appreciation on FB?! How bizarre!

If you're happy to treat her and she's appreciative to you it's absolutely no one else's business.

Plus it says in the OP that the friend had a better paid job and then lost it, and this is what she's been able to get since then, not easy in mid-fifties to either move (if parent is settled) or get new higher paid job.

I'd love to know if the people criticising are in their mid-fifties, trying to get new jobs/work longer hours and cope with CoL increases whilst looking after parents. On their own, not depending on their husbands. I know what I think...(given most people on here seem to be quiet quitting!)

Quite right. OP, you're giving this woman ideas above her station. It's far better for poor people not to get a taste for the nice things that non-poor people enjoy.

It would be a much kinder act to stop these activities immediately so she can learn to accept her dull and dreary life, which is, after all, entirely of her own making so she really only has herself to blame.

Well said.

OP, your H wants her to publicly acknowledge how indebted she is to friends. Quite frankly, that’s disgusting.

My DH knows that I pay way more for drinks than my junior less well paid colleagues - he does the same. What you’re doing is similar to that. There is no need to make an issue of it.

I wouldn't want my friend to post on Facebook I gave them X or Y unless they wanted to. I think if she is genuinely struggling and you are happy to help her enjoy her life your a great friend. I really don't understand the culture of everything needs shared on Facebook. Can someone things like financial situations etc not stay private? Your a great friend.

If she is a good friend and thanks you personally I wouldn’t mind paying for occasionally as long as she Dosen’t expect it and isn’t asking for it.
Her rent is huge ( presume she is living on her own) compared to her income but what other choice does she have, at her age living in a house share would be horrendous and she is unlikely to ever be able to buy on that wage, you are lucky that you are in a much more fortunate position than her.

Do you think she appreciates how generous you/ her other friends are being?