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Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 29/09/2023 11:35

I’m on the fence. When I was struggling years ago I couldn’t accept when friends offered to pay for things like gig tickets, pubs every weekend. I did accept help with food but suggested eating at home rather than restaurants.

YANBU to pay for her when she visits, if that’s what you want.

Thementalloadisreal · 29/09/2023 11:37

She thanks the giver in private, that’s what matters. If her friends are happy to treat her so she doesn’t miss out, they want to spend time with her and can afford to do so, then she doesn’t owe them a public thanking. She’s not a charity. Her close friends know what she can and can’t afford and her financial status beyond that isn’t anyone’s business - it’s kind of gross of your DH to want her to advertise the fact that she hasn’t got a lot of money and is “freeloading” off her friends.

Doteycat · 29/09/2023 11:37

Id be laughing at him and telling him a, mind his own business and b, mind his own business, and c, that i hope he never needs anyone to help him out, cos you just never know....
If she thanks her friends in a note, wtf is his problem.
He clearly resents you helping. How mean spirited of him.
Does he not have enough himself that the concept of sharing is beyond him?

towriteyoumustlive · 29/09/2023 11:38

Having to thank people for paying for things might be a bit humiliating for her?

But it does sound like she lives beyond her budget.

Why not help her manage her finances? Is she renting? Could she find somewhere cheaper? Is she entitled to any benefits?

Dolores87 · 29/09/2023 11:38

If I had disposable cash of 5k a month I absolutely would be buying my friends tickets to things and meals out so they can experience a better lifestyle then they can afford because they are my friends. It doesn't show a lack of self respect to let people with money share their wealth with you when they offer to and when they are happy to do so. I would be sad if my friend decided to not let me help them financially if I could afford it because they think its more self respectful to struggle. That's just silly

GorillaInBikini · 29/09/2023 11:39

Does he publicly acknowledge your paying most of the expenses?

Pigeon31 · 29/09/2023 11:39

Maybe he should stop following her on FB and then he wouldn't have to think about it.

CurlewKate · 29/09/2023 11:41

@Avenueofcherryblossom "I think he has a point. Jane is living on the charity of others without acknowledging it."
So long as she says thank you to the people concerned, why should she post her-and their- personal business on FB?

howlismoving · 29/09/2023 11:41

You sound like a wonderful friend OP! I think your husband is being unreasonable for all the reasons other posters have already mentioned.

CakeInAJar · 29/09/2023 11:41

Hmmm

Your poor friend. Struggling in life and being judged by someone who couldn’t give three straws about her.

CakeInAJar · 29/09/2023 11:41

(him not you)

CurlewKate · 29/09/2023 11:42

Hope he never says he's a Christian!🤣

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2023 11:42

Sprinkles211 · 29/09/2023 10:49

She cannot afford the lifestyle she wants, she's a grown up she needs to change her living circumstances instead of letting everyone else foot the bill, to be consistently borrowing money from parents at that age and not doing anything about her circumstances is embarrassing

It's soul destroying rather than embarrassing. It's the reality for many older single people, especially women.
If her friends are happy to pay for her, then it's no-one's business and certainly doesn't have to be put on SM. What lifestyle would your DH have if he was single? Does he acknowledge that?.

ASCCM · 29/09/2023 11:43

This is so common on social media. I know someone who is always like look at my huge house ( rented, they can’t afford to heat it, in the middle of nowhere) look at my new car ( paid for by mum. Again) look at our holiday ( not allowed to order drinks with dinner, only allowed food up to a certain value etc as too expensive ) look at my gorgeous partner ( caught texting someone else the night before) etc etc

it’s all lies and bullshit. I feel sad that your friend lives a life like this where everything is fake or paid for by others!

Seryse · 29/09/2023 11:45

You sound wonderful OP, keep being you.

Hubby... in the nicest way possible, is being a bit of a knob. I don't understand why he wants that, Jane says thank you in person, why does she have to shame herself on SM? Seems like a bit of a "up here on my high horse".

Does he know she thanks you when the gig/lunch/thing is happening? (Sorry if I missed it, have a 15 week old using my boob as a chew toy and a 17 month old running about wild so concentration and retaining info is not my current strong point lol!)

scarloha · 29/09/2023 11:46

Point 2 (no public thanks) not fair, but then in combination with Point 1 (constant sponging) I can see why the parade of freeloading posts would be grating.

Of course treats here and there are OK, but if it's like friends regularly sponsoring your gigs, trips, meals etc it's a bit weird. She's not a child living off a circle of parents!

That said, I definitely don't think regular pleasures and luxuries are for the rich. This is a wider societal problem. If I were in her situation though, as an individual, I would try to suggest free things for socialisation, eg nice walks, cooking together, doing other fun activities together. I would accept sponsored socialisation but only once in a blue moon.

LadyBird1973 · 29/09/2023 11:48

I'm a bit in the fence - your h seems to think she is less of a person or less entitled to anything nice because she can't pay for it herself. While also enjoying a large monthly income that he too isn't earning in its entirety. I think the pp nailed it when she said he sounds like the type who would complain about benefit scroungers but would willing accept an inheritance himself. He's lucky to have a nice life, free from financial stress and helping out your friend costs him nothing.

Otoh, I wouldn't be happy to have my life financed by freebies from friends. Even if they could easily afford it. That doesn't sit right with me, it doesn't feel very reciprocal or equal. When you are always the one to pay, it encourages the recipient to take you for granted, to feel entitled to your money and to use you. It becomes hard to know how genuine the friendship is after a while. So maybe your dh is coming from that aspect, in wanting her to show appreciation for you.

What does the friend actually do for you to keep the balance snd equality? This is key to maintaining a genuine friendship. Maybe your husband sees you making all the effort and her just taking from all her friends.

Vistada · 29/09/2023 11:48

Your husband is a bit of a dick.

Sorry.

scarloha · 29/09/2023 11:49

And I don't want to sound like the joy police! Of course everyone is entitled to nice things, but if your social media feed is a parade of glamorous things you can't afford personally, you could think about recalibrating a bit to something more sustainable but still also fun.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 29/09/2023 11:50

Has he grown up well off. I wonder if he can’t empathise if he has never struggled financially?

Personally I think it is your choice and you sound happy to fund some of the things you do with her and it doesn’t sound like she manipulates you in to doing it. So I don’t see the issue.

He is unreasonable to think she should put information about who paid for what on FB- who would want to share publicity that they are struggling and so friends are paying things for them.

Is your friend doing things to improve her situation or just continually relying on others to improve her situation? Im
womder if your DH gets frustrated If she is taking from others but not being proactive in trying to sort her finances out.

giraffetrousers · 29/09/2023 11:51

She may be a bit cheeky borrowing from friends all the time but at least she has a life and is living it. Your husband sounds like his life consists of policing people on facebook and obsessing over what they are posting online.

I know which life I'd rather be living, given the choice.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 29/09/2023 11:52

Wow, he is being horrible!

You obviously value the friendship, but it seems he does not.

Stoic123 · 29/09/2023 11:53

As long as you (and other friends) are happy paying for things, she thanks you privately/is good company and she doesn't expect you to pay (i.e. payer always initiates) - then crack on. I would do the same.

Facebook - your husband is being a prat.

Mari9999 · 29/09/2023 11:55

@Notanotherhousepost
If your friend thanks you privately for your help, why does your husband think that public acknowledgments are necessary?

Maybe he would feel better if she placed a statement on her social media much like on public network " this traveler experience has been made possible through grants and gifts from my friends. "

Your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk.

Sconehenge · 29/09/2023 11:55

I think it’s lovely that you all support her in this way and it’s a sign of a really beautiful friendship circle that you’re all lucky to be in.

Assuming that your husband is someone who is generally kind and therefore giving him the benefit of the doubt - possibly he just means that he feels her posts are disingenuous as they’re kind of showing off nice things and giving the impression she’s paid for them.

In my opinion this is no worse than basically all posts on social media which are almost entirely people making themselves or situations seem more flattering than they really are. Eg the family holiday pics of all smiles and good times and actually everyone had the worst time and is no longer speaking, but I can see how it would grate on your husband that the FB version of events is misleading.

Perhaps it would be better if your friend did the occasional post that said something like “Thanks so much to Jane for the fab night out at the concert!” - but equally I don’t see that she needs to spell out every gift she ever gets.