DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

I don't understand your husband either
She sends a thank you note which I think is much better and more effort than a stupid Facebook post saying thank you

I think you are a really great friend aswell doing all these kind things for your friend who isn't aswell off financially, it must make her feel loved and give her something to look forward too ❤️

This situation, of people's rent being extortionate in comparison to their take-home pay, is only going to get worse. She was probably paying 750 a few years ago. There are going to be a lot of pensioners still having to pay rent (as not home-owners) and struggling massively. I would always help a friend out with a train fare and a nice dinner! If people don't, they don't get to see their friend.

Plus in her fifties, the time to step up and do lots of extra shifts and care for her mother is probably too much for her.

People are not used to how hard and how long many women in particular will have to work and how poor many of them will be, even those in working jobs, plus looking after elderly relatives.

Your friend sounds lovely and your DH doesn't have a point at all.

These ritual sex reversal critiques are so odd! Are they generated by a mens rghts/petulant chatbot?

@FloydPepper does not seem to recognize that the hypothetical is meant to shame the husband for demanding servile thanks. Posters think that half a married couple, whether male or female, is not obligated to humbly acknowledge they have been paid for. The hypothetical is meant to draw attention to that. It is not advocating for the ritual humiliation of husbands.

Husband sounds like an uncharitable tight wad with your money.

Whiffs of the 'deserving poor' here from your DH.

So if she publicly acknowledges her poor financial situation and names the philanthropic rich people who have provided, she earns the ticket? But if it's a private expression of gratitude, she's somehow not deserving? Grim.

Well put.

@Sconehenge

Do people actually wonder who has paid for holidays and items displayed on Facebook. My only thoughts when I bothered to look at FB was to wonder why people felt the need to disclose and display so much information about their lives.

I stopped looking when a relative of mine posted photos of food prepared for an event that they were hosting. I was just amazed that they thought that anyone was remotely curious about the food that they were serving.

I’d love to see you ask a lower earning woman if she’d post that about her male partner

I'm not the poster you were responding to but yes, why not? If you are going to bitch and moan that other people should be posting all their financial details and transactions online then you should do it too surely? Otherwise, it make you a massive hypocrite. Gender has nothing to do with it- if you demand other people do something then it also applies to you.

@FloydPepper I’d love to see you ask a lower earning woman if she’d post that about her male partner…

You really missed the posters point didn’t you …

If I understand her post correctly, then according to @SanDimasHighSchoolFootballRules the DM who is helping out her daughter must be vulnerable because she is elderly My own DM is 92 and I am 72, and we both decide what to do with our own money, including giving it to close relatives, including (shock, horror!) our own daughters.

If they were behaving like the OPs husband is then yes I would.

The OP can take a friend out without it needing to be posted all over social media how very grateful the friend is that she can go out despite being poor thanks to the generosity of the OP.

The fact that OP and her DH have more "Fun money" each month than many families live on suggests that she isn't disadvantaging her husband by taking out her friend so why is he so annoyed by it?

I think it'd be quite humiliating for someone to put that publically and wouldn't expect that- she could just say it to the person privately.

But there must be ways she can live within her means in general life rather than a 50-something year old woman relying on her mum for hand outs.

I'm mid 40s and my 77 year old mum offers me money, but I've told her not to again.

I think only you know whether your husband is being an arse or not. I’d never expect a friend to post on fb to thank me for something but is his issue that she’s creating a false impression of her life on social media? Or choosing to live a lifestyle that’s beyond her means? I don’t think he’s necessarily being unreasonable but that depends if he’s normally a nice guy or not.

You put it so much better than I did. Thank you.

borrowing is onyl going to get worse-rent going up and mortgages she ovbiously wants to ber near her mother so she cant move to a cheaper area-dont know why this woman is getting a hard time

I am happy to treat friends if they can’t afford to do something and I would welcome their company. Me and DH have joint funds and he never questions small amounts I spend on outings. We are in no way rolling in money though and I might be a bit taken aback by friend if they were plastering it all over Facebook as in a look at me and what I’m doing way especially as lots of folks are struggling at the moment and they are implying they are not. Also if I were her mum I would be a bit insulted that she was having to ask me for money for food and then posting all kinds of social events on FB.

DH sounds mean-spirited but friend also sounds like a CF. She needs to reduce her outgoings and/or find better-paid work - perhaps she could look into becoming a private medical secretary?

Your husband is being silly and it’s none of his business. This is why I hate social media. It has complicated everything.

But surely that ends up with everything being so transactional?

He drinks more than she does, but he doesn’t wear makeup, but his clothes are more expensive, but her haircuts cost more and so on.

It sounds like you have a lot of disposable income, OP, and treating your friend is a lovely thing to do. She’s obviously a lovely person if she’s surrounded by kind & generous souls. No need for her to publicly prostrate herself in gratitude.

And rather than showing off, maybe she’s actually desperately insecure and upset about her position, and the social media posts are a way of maintaining a mask.

DH is being very unreasonable.

It would be totally different if your friend was being reckless and you were having to constantly bail her out of debt. Or if your friend was guilt tripping you into bankrolling her, or just expecting you to pay for everything.

But nothing you've said even hints at that. It sounds like a healthy, respectful friendship, where she is appreciative of your actions, and you get the pleasure and satisfaction of doing a nice thing for a good friend. Win win.

This is situation is a product of modern life. People often post material goods/lifestyle stuff on social media and it’s makes others think “ we do this same job, how can she have more money”. Fakery is rife. It makes us all feel bad about our own lives.

I don’t think it’s friend’s fault, she is just doing what everyone else is doing, only your family have more of an insight into what’s really going on.

On the other-side, I would also have no qualms helping a good friend like this, there may be a time when friend is also on hand to support you financially or other because life can change in a second.

Your dh is being a dick.
I am in my 50s. I have friends who have more than me and less than me.
I sometimes treat a mate to a day out or a gig. I enjoy the experience more if i am with them. Never would I expect more than a thanks on the day/booking. Why you would want q friend to humiliate themselves on social media leaves me at a loss.

On a side note, OP’s friend is not this issue here. She has obviously worked all her life and isn’t been rewarded for that. Many if benefits have way more disposable.

That is the real issue here, and that’s the government’s fault. There should be a palpable difference between and person’s income that can and does work, than someone who can and doesn’t.

Maybe you should ask your husband to go on Facebook to publicly thank his wife for being the main earner in the household allowing him to enjoy holidays, shite and giggles?

Unless your husband is the one paying for these ‘treats’ (which you have already said he doesn’t as you are the higher earner) I don’t really understand why he has such strong opinions on this. It’s your disposable income to do with as you wish.

Tongue in cheek comment to add. As you earn double his take home wage… Does he put a social media post each month thanking you for the comfortable lifestyle you contribute most to?

If sexes were reversed, a man was giving his friend money for his social like - the responses would be very very different. Sounds like she wants a lifestyle she cannot afford.