DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

Your husband sounds like a snivelling wierdo! It sounds like he is obsessed with your friend.

She is posting on fb, not instagram—I don’t understand the criticism here (admittedly a minority of posters) of her maintaining a picture/journal of her life that includes her fun events. She isn’t “living above her means” or dramatizing a fake lifestyle to get advertising freebies. She is living, working, and occasionally socializing with friends who pay for her because otherwise she would drop out of their lives like a genteel victorian lady starving in a garret.

OP lives far from her friend. So she pays the costs to be able to see her friend. If she doesn’t then friend can’t afford to come see her and OP makes the journey to see friend. I’m not sure why the friend is judged guilty of Something for accepting the gift.

Jane’s friends want to see her and can afford to pay for events to make that possible. The husband’s attitude—facebook stalking her to get some reflected credit from seeing her submissive and humiliating “credit to my friends” posts is really unseemly. OP and her friends don’t invite Jane to things in order to get publuc plaudits for charity.

By the way: public thanks for private acts of charity are considered antithetical to the very act of charity in Judaism, Islam, and Buddhism too. This is to the “calls himself Christian” poster.

He's showing a very unpleasant side of his character.

She sends a thank you note, that's far better than a public Facebook post. If I had bought a friend a ticket there is no way I'd want that on Facebook, I would have done it because she is a friend and I like her company, not for 'likes'.

Does DH pay 50% to the household bills and do 50% housework?

Whiffs of the 'deserving poor' here from your DH.

So if she publicly acknowledges her poor financial situation and names the philanthropic rich people who have provided, she earns the ticket? But if it's a private expression of gratitude, she's somehow not deserving? Grim.

Don't get me wrong, I personally wouldn't want to be dependent on others & if she's regularly taking gifts & money I find it odd, but that's a separate issue than your DHs attitude!

Agree with this.

He has a point. It's family money you're spending every time.

Your husbands a twat

I wouldn’t be telling him what you are doing for her moving forward

I wouldn't expect a friend to publicly announce if treated them. The choice is with you and your friends if you want to treat her. I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting treats like that myself unless it was a birthday gift etc. but if you are both happy with the arrangement and she is a good friend in other ways then it's fine

So publicly she's living it up (suggesting she has wealth she doesnt have - join the long queue that includes Donald Trump allegedly) and privately she's thanking her friends for supporting her.

Yes she has this wrong imo - I would def thank abc for something publicly - but what does your DH expect to get from ranting about it? She doesn't want to lose face and he wants her to be honest.

This^ I hate all the fake 'look at my fantastic life' stuff on FB so the fact that the friend is posting without acknowledging that others are actually funding her wonderful looking life would piss me off because she's just adding to the FB shite. I rarely look at FB now because it is all so false and twee.

But if you're fine with all that I think your DH needs to just not look at her FB page.

Then the husband should have a problem with the op not her friend.

I think on the face of it he is wrong as he effectively wants her to announce her financial issues publicly. Who gives a shit what she posts on Facebook, as long as she is thanking you privately? Does he want to be publicly thanked for every nice thing he does?

However maybe it's not the Facebook thing that's getting to him. Maybe he isn't happy with the amount you're spending on her. Maybe he feels like she is taking advantage of you. Does she expect you to pay for things? Does she contribute in other ways (eg can't afford a takeaway but will wash up or bring a home made gift?). If she just announces that she is coming to visit you and then expects you to buy her tickets, entertainment etc he may feel she is entitled

So if she publicly acknowledges her poor financial situation and names the philanthropic rich people who have provided, she earns the ticket? But if it's a private expression of gratitude, she's somehow not deserving? Grim

Yep- I agree. Perhaps she could post a photo lashing herself with a birch stick just to prove how low and humble she is and how wonderful all her benevolent benefactors are. After all, isnt that what charity is all about?- praise and public acknowledgement of generosity? 🙄

Does your husband make it publicly known on Facebook that his own pay would not afford him his current lifestyle and thank you for being the main earner?

Your friend is there as your guest, she sends you a thank you card and thanks you in person so she is clearly grateful. I don't see why she should need to self flagulate (sp?) All over Facebook about it.

So he’s happy to retire and spend your money but doesn’t think you should be allowed to spend money on anyone else you love without them performing a ridiculously over the top public display of gratitude?

When he goes out with a friend does he proclaim “my wife’s salary paid for this meal!”
Does he thank you profusely every month when you pay the bills?

He has a bee in his bonnet because you're the main earner.......he also needs to get out of his Victorian mindset where recipients of charity were expected to curtsy and bow when accepting donations.

Personally I would help a good friend in this way. I wouldn’t expect any public acknowledgement.

However I am not sure she cannot improve her income. In my area there is plenty of band 5 and 6 bank work available. It might be weekends and or nights as well as a day shift.
I have friends who do bank work on the NHS to earn enough money to live, sometimes as extra work sometimes instead of a full time job.

Is your husband annoyed because he thinks she is taking the easy option - a admin job below her capabilities maybe with flexi hours and wfh - because she can get her friends to pay for her lifestyle. I am struggling to believe she can’t get a band 5 or 6 job, by doing bank work or even if she had to relocate (which she would have to do if friends didn’t help out).

This is ridiculous. If everyone 'bettered their situation' we would have no careworkers and I think we can agree they are absolutely essential.

This country is a mess if people doing important work, like the OP's friend in the NHS (yes I know its admin, but still essential to keep things functioning) can't actually afford to live in some parts of the country. We should be outraged that this is the case not blaming people for not managing, or having the audacity to actually want to do a few nice things aside from just surviving.

OP, your husband sounds mean-spirited, which is never an attractive trait.

I’d love to see you ask a lower earning woman if she’d post that about her male partner…

I would and do quite happily pay for friends when the situation calls for it but would die of embarrassment if they publicly thanked me for it. Feels very icky. A verbal thank you is all that's required. A nice thank-you card is a bonus. But a social media post... no.

Two separate issues - the money and the Facebook. You’re under no obligation to shout her anything and your husband might have a point there.

But expecting her to publicly acknowledge this/ shame herself on Facebook? That’s actually really nasty. Akin to humiliating people you consider lesser tbh.

whats her fb got to do with anything-she thanks people personally what is his problem

if people dont want to treat her then dont but its not his business

I can see where your husband is coming from. She's portraying a lifestyle online that she doesn't have. I mean a lot of social media is fake

Same as people bragging about amazing husbands online who's relationship is actually in the gutter.

If so many people are paying for her to do things they'll know how fake it all is

I've seen your update that your take home is double his. I'd agree with a PP that if he is taking this stance then he needs to be acknowledging this publicly otherwise it makes him a hypocrite. Eg if he posts pics of his holiday, does he say 'lovely hotel, thanks to my wife for the upgrade to 4!

I sometimes pay transport costs, accommodation costs, and, v occasionally, costs of gigs, for close friends. It's no fun having the money to go somewhere if you can't go with a friend. Your friend sends a thank you note. I wouldn't even expect that - I can tell when someone is glad that I could help out, and doesn't feel beholden to me as a result. That's friendship.

The last time I did a favour for a so-called "friend" he gave me a thank you present, because he had been brought up to be polite. But he put no thought into it - it was the ugliest orchid I had ever seen, and if he had bothered to look round my front room, he would have seen that I don't do indoor plants. A gift of extra work for me, and ugliness? That's not thanks. Into the bin it went.

I mean, if you're happy to treat your friend to things then that's your right to do so, but it is a bit off that she's regularly accepting all these freebies off multiple friends and tapping her elderly mother for money to cover the basics.
But I agree with your husband's first point: If I was in her situation, I might accept the odd ticket to an event for a special occasion or something, but not all the time, it lacking in self respect to be having all these freebies at others' expense - whether they're happy to do it or not.

I wonder if she's expecting you and her other friends to be plugging her bills/food gap when her mother is no longer around?

Edited to Add:
The facebook thing I don't get but then I think it's a bit cringe to be constantly posting about going here, there and everywhere on social media anyway. People only do it to validate their lives to themselves.