DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

This. Why does she have to publicly thank everyone on facebook if she has already done so in real life? I'd be rather embarrassed if someone thanked me on FB every time I did a favour for them, its just not necessary and its making it a huge deal as if I get pissy if I dont get public thanks or something. Besides, if they were annoyed by her lack of thanks then they wouldnt still be lending her money would they? so thats on them, its got nothing to do with your husband. Unless he is lending her money then its really none of his business.

It seems like your husband wants her to publicly humiliate herself, I really don't like that. I would hate it if a friend did that because I treated them to something because they couldn't afford it, it would also embarrass me deep inside.

I can just imagine the difference in reply if the sexes were reversed.

How many people are actually funding her social life? Does she pay for anything at all ? Or reciprocate by hosting friends?

He wants her publicly shamed. He wants her to tell everyone she’s getting freebies from her friends.

what a horrible little man he is. It’s not even him giving. Does he post all over Facebook saying thanks to my wife for paying the bills?

nah, thought not.

I completely agree. I'd be mortified if a friend I'd treated to a meal or day out felt they had to publicly declare it. Deeply embarrassing and unnecessary for both parties.

It would be almost like a sponsorship deal in sports, where the recipient has to go out of their way to name their benefactors and thank them.

I would HATE to be thanked on facebook for helping someone with money. It would make me so embarrassed and it would make me feel like I view my friends as charity cases, not friends- as if I were expecting them to grovel to me for doing them a favour. Friends help each other- thats what friends do. It doesnt need to be announced publicly for the world to see and approve of FGS.

Team OP.

My best friends and I have been on the up and at rock bottom all at different times, and we have helped each other or just simply paid for each others meals so we don't have to miss catch ups etc. I would NEVER expect a friend who's meal I had paid for to have to post a grovelling thank you alongside their night out selfie just cos I had covered their bill. In fact the last time I caught up with a friend who's having a tricky time at the moment my husband told me to make sure I ordered her an uber on my app so we paid for it and she wouldn't be tempted to get the bus home in the dark.

It actually makes me feel genuinely uncomfortable that your husband grudges this. Does he nor see the value in pure friendship like this and sees relationships as purely transactional? Does he not have any close friends that he has helped whether through money, time etc?

Yes, exactly

It's not about sexes.

It's about equal contribution.

He sounds ridiculous and immature. Your friend always thanks people privately, which is what matters.

It sounds like Ops DH sees life in purely transactional terms. But in reality most ppl with do things for others-

Would he pit himself out for friends or family ?

I'm with you, OP. If I were being charitable, maybe your DH feels you are being taken for granted or taken advantage of in some way? However, you are a grown woman and can make your own decisions. It's not as though the money spent on your friend is preventing you from meeting your own financial responsibilities.

I can't understand your husband's pov at all. It sounds like he wants her to publicly shame herself for daring to live above her station.
It's none of yours or your husband's business how Jane gets by, how much her income and outgoings are. She's your friend and you want to spend time with her, you know she can't afford it and you can. I would do exactly the same in your shoes op, what is the point in having loads of money if you can't enjoy it with the people you love spending time with? Your friend thanks you personally, and I'm sure she thanks and is very grateful for all of her kind friends. If she were asking for things, that would be different, but it sounds like you are giving willingly to enjoy her company.

This. Get some self respect.

I don't think she should necessarily have to make it clear that she's been payed for. But "Thank you X for a brilliant night/weekend" would suffice. I do get where your DH is coming from. If you can't say to your other half "It pees me off the way suchabody does this or that" who can you say it to?

Some people on here are awful.

There's nothing wrong with helping out a friend if you're in a better financial situation, not everyone is able to change their circumstances.

You're husband sounds pretty horrid OP, why the hell should she have to post her thanks on SM? A personal thank you is more than enough.

Whilst you and your friends are constantly bailing her out she is never going to be driven to bettering her situation.

She's always going to be riding on your coattails.

She has no shame.

So publicly she's living it up (suggesting she has wealth she doesnt have - join the long queue that includes Donald Trump allegedly) and privately she's thanking her friends for supporting her.

Yes she has this wrong imo - I would def thank abc for something publicly - but what does your DH expect to get from ranting about it? She doesn't want to lose face and he wants her to be honest.

Well she isn't being honest. Im not sure I could be good friends with dishonesty, but if you and her other friends don't care its noone else's business, so YANBU. I just hope she doesn't start to take the piss

Totally with you on the Facebook angle - he should never have suggested that, it's disgusting that he thinks it appropriate.

Can understand why your husband might feel put out that her friends are always paying for her, is she making any effort to work longer hours/ find another job? I wouldnt want to stop seeing a friend because they couldnt afford things but my husband and I both agree on when we will pay for friends and when we dont. It's also good to seethe friend making an effort -so maybe making a meal for you now and then or minding a pet or trying to give back. Friendships dont need to be equal but it's good to get something back.

You are happy to pay for her which is very nice of you. She thanks you for it and you also enjoy quality time with her so both people benefit in different ways. If she deletes her facebook/ social media accounts will your husband be happier??

I don’t understand your husbands problem either. Ignore him.
Your friend is obviously grateful for yours and other friends help, she doesn’t need to say it publicly on Facebook!

So basically you are rich and your partner is complaining about spending money on your friend who isn't rich because she doesn't make a big song and dance on Facebook about how grateful she is.

I don't understand where he is coming from at all either. I think he's being a dick to be blunt. Between you and your partner you have a ridiculously high disposable income. Your husband's attitude would give me a huge ick.

The thing is- yes, she may be relying on others to fund her lifestyle but if they keep giving her money then thats on them isnt it. People do have the ability to say "no" dont they? If I continually give money to someone who I think is wasting it on crap then it begs the question- why am I still doing it? The problem here isnt her, its ME.

Leaving aside the judgment about your friend’s lifestyle relative to her income, I would rather set myself on fire than post something like your husband suggested on fb. It is deeply cringeworthy. If I treated a friend and they posted a gushing thank you Facebook status tagging me, I would untag myself. What on earth is wrong with your husband that he thinks this is acceptable way to use social media in 2023? 😂