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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

203 replies

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

OP posts:
Millybob · 29/09/2023 19:51

I was fantasising this afternoon about winning the lottery - not maximising my chances as I don't buy a ticket - and employing a concierge service to handle all household/personal admin and everything that bores me.
I'd do it like a shot if I could afford it.

gotomomo · 29/09/2023 19:52

I'm not judging you but how do you have enough for 18 hours a week? The most I've ever had was 4 hours and she was brilliant, but she would run out of tasks (she didn't do laundry £

LabradorLoveSausages · 29/09/2023 20:57

TheABC · 29/09/2023 19:45

You are being VERY unreasonable, OP. You need a hot gardener to round off the package and give the gossips a love triangle to think about.

This thread has spurred me to look at cleaners as work has gone insane.

Our gardener did turn up today. He was wearing cut off jeans with knee length socks and Crocs. He’s done his knee playing golf so had a bit of a limp.

I really do need to up my hot gardener game 😆

OP posts:
StBrides · 29/09/2023 22:14

You have the affluent lifestyle I aspire to, I'm jealous!

StBrides · 29/09/2023 22:16

Is your housekeeper in addition to a cleaner or instead of?

Strokethefurrywall · 29/09/2023 22:36

YANBU. We employed a helper/housekeeper who did everything - school run, after school activities, cleaning, dog walking, dog/house sitting, groceries, arranged workmen to come in for maintenance jobs, laundry, sick leave with kids, babysitting etc etc etc but most importantly organizing the Tupperware, and we had to have a regroup when she moved away earlier this year. The only thing she didn't do is cook and that's because I love to do it.

Don't need so much now one child is in high school, both are far more independent and our dogs have passed on.

I work FT, DH has his own business. Like fuck am I going to try and manage the house if I don't have to.

Ignore the village OP, and certainly don't feel you have to justify it!

CranfordScones · 29/09/2023 22:45

You're wondering about 'possibly taking a malicious comment to heart'.

And you're exploring that by asking the opinions of random strangers on the internet.

And you're allowing your actions or your self-esteem to rest on those answers.

Spookymormonhelldream · 29/09/2023 22:48

Pfft ignore the petty village gossips OP it's pure jealousy. I have a live in au pair/housekeeper. I'm a lone parent with 2 primary age kids and a chronic illness. I still manage to judge myself as lazy 🙄 but as I live in London no one else gives a fuck.
I need help and she needs a job. Everyone happy.

mollyfolk · 29/09/2023 22:50

I currently work 4 days a week and I have an angel of a childminder that lives nearby and a cleaner for 3 hours a week which allows me to do this. My husband works long hours and is often on the road. Without some help I would go mad basically. When they were little I worked freelance to manage: If I could afford it I would totally have your set up. I always say, you can’t both be successful as a couple without good grandparents or staff! You sound like you have it all sorted. You can have it all - when you can afford it. Maybe some people are jealous of that. At the end of the day the more smoothly life runs the nicer childhood experience your kids are having.

Tireddoggy · 29/09/2023 22:54

I am now at the age of 60 a lazy slob ! I work 12 hours a week in a care home split over 2 days . Care home is 30 min drive away and a lovely,fun ,professional place to work. Care is amazing but the RNs have their work cut out so I come home knackered.
Husband is a sailor,climber and is away a lot and youngest child off to Canada in a few weeks.
Look after Granddaughter overnight on a Friday…sooo housework involves cleaning up after food ,keeping loo and carpets clean.
A cleaner / housekeeper for about 10 hrs a week would be amazing. Probably would cancel out half my earnings but not having to clean when I am at home would be bloody wonderful! Am now tempted I have my NHS pension 😂

Grumpusaurus · 30/09/2023 07:55

Good for you OP! If you were a man, no one would bat an eye.

SockQueen · 30/09/2023 08:06

Where do people find a decent housekeeper? I've got a cleaner via a local FB group but she can be a bit flaky and I'd want to vet a bit more if I were offering more hours to someone.

Guiltridden12345 · 30/09/2023 08:13

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

Op, you know you’re not being unreasonable. This is the village gossips at bitchy playtime. You don’t have to justify yourself to them or anyone. I had a cleaner from 23 as I worked in a professional role 12 hrs a day and didn’t want to spend my weekends cleaning. Your life sounds full and challenging, anything you can do to ease that burden is to be embraced. We have an amazing cleaner now one day a week. I’d love a housekeeper, I feel I’m constantly chasing my tail.

almost without exception, people making nasty comments about other people’s choices is steeped in jealousy. Note who said these things and steer clear.

Guiltridden12345 · 30/09/2023 08:16

CranfordScones · 29/09/2023 22:45

You're wondering about 'possibly taking a malicious comment to heart'.

And you're exploring that by asking the opinions of random strangers on the internet.

And you're allowing your actions or your self-esteem to rest on those answers.

Isn’t that the entire purpose of aibu?

Guiltridden12345 · 30/09/2023 08:23

gotomomo · 29/09/2023 19:52

I'm not judging you but how do you have enough for 18 hours a week? The most I've ever had was 4 hours and she was brilliant, but she would run out of tasks (she didn't do laundry £

I work 8 hours a day. I then don’t sit down til 1030. That’s approx 7.5 hrs of drudge a day on top of my full time job. A part time housekeeper would do only some of that. If the laundry (washing, drying, piling it up, putting it away), mopping, sweeping (my house gets dirty daily not weekly), shopping, animals, meter readings, hoovering, dusting, tidying, bill paying, etc etc all or mostly get managed by someone else, I’d have more time and patience to deal with my kids and my own life. It sounds blissful. I’m looking into it!!!

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 08:31

CranfordScones · 29/09/2023 22:45

You're wondering about 'possibly taking a malicious comment to heart'.

And you're exploring that by asking the opinions of random strangers on the internet.

And you're allowing your actions or your self-esteem to rest on those answers.

That’s a fair point.

OP, you will go mad if you base your self-esteem on village gossip. I once discovered I was considered snobbish and ‘up myself’ before anyone in the village I had just moved to even met me, because I had sent a text message that had capitals and full stops to the baby group organiser.

Guiltridden12345 · 30/09/2023 08:36

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 08:31

That’s a fair point.

OP, you will go mad if you base your self-esteem on village gossip. I once discovered I was considered snobbish and ‘up myself’ before anyone in the village I had just moved to even met me, because I had sent a text message that had capitals and full stops to the baby group organiser.

Bizarrely, and sadly, I have always found groups of mums to be among the most bitchy people I’ve met (not all, but consistently cliquey and bitchy about people who are different in some way). Way bitchier than working in hard fire central London workplace and bitchier than I remember school. It reminds me of the extreme behaviours of some of my 13 year olds peers, which is stamped on by her school. How has this behaviour thrived in a childcare/child centric environment? I went to a night out once where people I knew and loved were slagging someone who wasn’t there off. She is genuinely striking and I think they were jealous but the group effect was quite something to see. I called it out, it was really tricky, but it made me think differently about those people and I stepped away.

We women need to have each others backs and yet far too often we stab each other in the back instead. I just don’t get it.

Teddleshon · 30/09/2023 09:13

I'm amazed that people think 18 hours a week is a lot. I no longer work but certainly spend upwards of 40 hours a week on the house and garden, guess it depends on how many animals you have and how old etc your house is. I do 6 - 7 hours a week ironing alone.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/09/2023 09:19

Sounds brilliant- I want one! Ignore the jealous idiots, OP.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/09/2023 09:21

I do 6 - 7 hours a week ironing alone.

Good lord. I barely iron.

FUPAgirl · 30/09/2023 09:21

It sounds like a brilliant set up. I agree that she is a 'house keeper' as I don't believe cleaners do laundry etc. But I wonder if that term is throwing people off a bit in the village? Lots of peoples have cleaners and no one bats an eyelid.

Anyway, you are outsourcing all the domestic stuff so that you can spend your free time with your family by the sounds of it - very smart. I would love this lifestyle.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/09/2023 09:26

I work 8 hours a day. I then don’t sit down til 1030. That’s approx 7.5 hrs of drudge a day on top of my full time job.

I work 9 hours a day, plus a half hour drive at each end and then sometimes do some work at home after that. No bloody way would I do housework in the evening, beyond making dinner, loading the dishwasher and maybe putting a wash on. If my house gets a bit dirty by the weekend, so be it. On my deathbed, I doubt I'll be wishing I'd done more housework!

Lana12345 · 30/09/2023 09:30

How come you’re the lazy one ? What about your DH?!
btw I don’t think either of you are lazy - you work full time and it’s your choice what you spend your money on. I would have one if I could afford but nursery bills!!
I think once we are done paying nursery I’ll look into it!

Flatandhappy · 30/09/2023 09:36

They are jealous. I am retired but despise housework and one of my many fantasies about winning the lottery is hiring a housekeeper 😁

Marchitectmummy · 30/09/2023 09:39

Your money, your life.

We have lots of help, and for the past year we have employed a chef 10 hrs a week to prep food for us during the week. If you think the tongues are wagging for a housekeeper, employ a chef and boy the gossip really ramps up!

Honestly that was the best move we ever made. We have 5 daughters, who attend 3 different schools and both have a demanding work life.

Don't let gossips choose your lifestyle for you.

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