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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

203 replies

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/09/2023 12:49

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:46

I think that I judge myself a little for the same reason- which I guess is why it got to me so much.

Do you judge your DH as well, OP? Or just yourself?

Let it go. There is nothing wrong with what you're doing. You can afford the help and it makes your family life run more smoothly. You both work hard to be able to afford that help. You are helping someone else by creating employment. Nobody is losing out here. It's all good.

Don't let a stupid comment get to you. They're probably just jealous.

DuckyLuck · 28/09/2023 12:50

Yes, I would judge you - you've described typical family life that most people deal with and don't have the luxury of a housekeeper to get laundry and cleaning done. That is, they deal with everything you are doing, along with everything your housekeeper does. Some people don't have partners either. So yes, sadly, I would judge you - but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do the same if I could!

Why would you care?

WinterDeWinter · 28/09/2023 12:50

Absolutely not! This is the equivalent of 2.5 days of a nanny, which since you both work full-time would be a no-brainer.

Completely agree that misogyny is at the heart of this, and if you get the chance and have the balls you should tell whoever told you that, in the hope that it will get back to the tossers who said it.

They are definitely jealous (of your income) and so am I! But you sound lovely, annoyingly 😂

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:50

BitOutOfPractice · 28/09/2023 12:48

And yes @Oilyoilyoilgob makes a good point. Do they think your dh is lazy too?

Nah, I reckon they think DH is positively saintly for living with a harridan who forces him to do not one, not two but three school runs every week.

OP posts:
GallowwayGirl88 · 28/09/2023 12:51

Definitely not lazy. Having the helps enables you to focus on other priorities, your children need you and who wouldn’t want to spend more time with their kids if they could?

Don't feel bad, you and your husband work hard.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 12:51

willingtolearn · 28/09/2023 12:43

I would judge you in my head but that's my catholic working class upbringing talking - somehow my self esteem is linked to doing stuff myself.

That is entirely my problem and you should not give one shiny shit what I or any other people think of you.

You have made decision that work for you and your family - we should all do this but lots of us have weird thoughts/issues that get in our way.

Are you working to get rid of that bias? Do you reason things out so get rid of the judgement?

OP as said, I bet your DH doesn't get the same judgement. It's entrenched sexism, with a bit of stupidity thrown in. Who would it benefit to change things? not your family, or that of your housekeeper, or then wider society. It is either the person is jealous or thick.

CinnamonBear · 28/09/2023 12:53

Good for you - no judgement here!

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 28/09/2023 12:54

Not lazy at all. If I could afford one I'd have one too.

Londonscallingme · 28/09/2023 12:55

Do they also think your husband is 'entitled and lazy' or does he escape their judgement by virtue of having a dick?

Two parents working full time is incredibly hard and if you can afford the help I am not sure why you would make life more difficult for yourselves. What else is money for?

My ultimate aspiration is to have a chef but unfortunately that feels outside the realms of possibility so I settle for a freezer stuffed full of Cook meals.

As an aside, we have recently talked about one of me and my DP giving up work (we both have good jobs and earn similar amounts working in the City) and it struck me in our conversation that I would feel incredibly uncomfortable not working, I am not sure why, perhaps ironically for the same reason you are judging yourself for hiring a housekeeper? Do we really have to do absolutely everything not to feel inadequate in some way? Crazy isn't it.

RaininSummer · 28/09/2023 12:55

Sounds great although I have no idea what a housekeeper will do for 18 hours a week. You are also employing a local person in child friendly role.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 28/09/2023 12:56

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:50

Nah, I reckon they think DH is positively saintly for living with a harridan who forces him to do not one, not two but three school runs every week.

Exactly OP. They won’t really be mentioning your husband. So this will be mainly and mostly women, wanting to have a dig at another woman.

That’s for them to figure out why and look inward, not you.
I’m sure it conjures up different feelings-jealousy, inadequacy, anger etc etc but honestly you’ll never change them.

You’re busy, but doing things in a way that makes your life run more smoothly, which is helping give a happier household.
Ive had ‘jokey’ comments about me being part time but still having cleaners. Weird how women think it’s ok to do this. No men I know have ever passed a comment, they couldn’t give a crap.

What these people who comment don’t know, is that I’m going through health stuff, inc ivf so any help I can get helps me-probably more mentally than anything else. It’s brilliant.

So ignore them-they’ll never change and it’s nice to know who to steer clear from isn’t it? It’s good they show their true colours!

OCaledonia · 28/09/2023 12:56

@LabradorLoveSausages three school runs 😮 by DH, you've definitely got it made 😉
I think you are definitely definitely right to have someone in to help you and your DH and enrich your DC life, too.

Ozziedream · 28/09/2023 12:56

I had a housekeeper 20 hrs a week and I only worked part time (and only have 2 children). We’ve since gone down to 10 hrs a week as the dc are now older and my hours have reduced further still. If you’re lazy then I’m catatonic. Ignore, it’s just jealousy.

TheChosenTwo · 28/09/2023 12:56

Not lazy at all, I always recommend buying in help if you can afford it and it will add to the quality of your life!!
I’d have loved to have been able to have afforded this when my dc were younger although I didn’t work so that really WOULD have been lazy 😂
Now we have a cleaner 4 hours a week, even when I’m off, we love her! I dread the day she tells me she’s retiring 😭

FadedRed · 28/09/2023 12:57

The only unreasonable thing about what you and your DH choose to spend your hard-earned money on, is that you are bothering about the unasked for opinions of random other people. You will find this little piece of household magic helpful in future -print it out, frame it and put it somewhere that you can refer to it whenever that unnecessary pang of guilt hits:

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?
redfacebigdisgrace · 28/09/2023 12:58

Ignore the judgers/ they’re just jealous! You both work full time in demanding jobs. You have two children. It sounds brilliant. Don’t feel the need to explain. We have a cleaner/housekeeper for 8 hours a week she does the cleaning, ironing and changes the beds) and I don’t give a f what people think. Our children are older teens now and I work part-time. Just don’t tell people your business.

Blinkityblonk · 28/09/2023 12:58

Why on earth would you care what anyone else thinks? I had a 2 x a week housekeeper for a while and it was fab. Don't need that now, so don't but I never felt guilty and you don't need to either.

arintingly · 28/09/2023 12:59

If you can afford it and it works for you, sounds great.

I confess that I am a bit surprised that you can find 18 hours of work for them to do, especially as your older one is old enough to do some chores too.

We have a cleaner for 4 hours a week and I don't think I could find much more than another 4 hours of work for her. It's entirely possible that my standards are lower though!

Mangolover123 · 28/09/2023 12:59

People are funny aren't they. Good for you. You work hard, you have a professional job as does your husband, you ring fence some of your money to support you at home. Good work life balance.
They are just jealous. Please ignore and make the most of what you have.
Feel free to smile smugly at everyone in the village. and if you can swan round the village perfectly made up all the better!

ZoeyBartlett · 28/09/2023 13:00

I have exactly the same - housekeeper 3 days a week, 6 hours a day. But I have no kids and my H doesn't work. I don't give a shit if people think we are lazy! Just ignore and keep on!

Invisimamma · 28/09/2023 13:01

If you have the money and you are not exploiting her then it is your business what you do and nothing to do with anyone else.
I'm supportive of outsourcing what we can.

I would struggle to see what a housekeeper would do for 6 hours a day though, I have a cleaner for 2hrs a fortnight and that's enough really. Laundry and grocery shopping wouldn't take 6 hours a day either. So what does she do all day?

Trufflethespaniel · 28/09/2023 13:02

It's just jealousy and nobody's business. Do what works for your family. That and treating your housekeeper well is all that matters here.

DentistsLoveRaisinsKerrching · 28/09/2023 13:06

They're jealous. Even if you were at home, it's fine to have one if you can afford it.
You sound well off with 3 DC, a nice house and a nice husband , a flexible career where you can leave early 3 days a week..... you MUST have encountered envy many times already!

Marblessolveeverything · 28/09/2023 13:07

Isn't jealousy an awful thing.

Begrudgers be damned. Ignore the nonsense and keep doing what makes your life work.

cookiedoughdough · 28/09/2023 13:10

No way would I judge you! I would just be incredibly jealous 😁