AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

[LabradorLoveSausages]

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

@LabradorLoveSausages by the way, I once nannied in the mid 90's (full time) to a woman who didn't work!!!

You are giving someone local a really great job. I echo the poisonous villagers. I once had the temerity to sit on my lawn in a dress and sun hat on a Sunday reading the paper (at the time I worked full time). In no time it was all around the village that I was behaving like the "the lady of the manor" 🙄

We are both working full time. I reckon both me and DH do an hour of house stuff each day- whether it's wiping surfaces and loading dishwashers or cooking or chucking laundry on/putting it away. And we have a 3hr /week cleaner.

I can see how 18 hours gets filled, because what our home doesn't have is overall management.

A housekeeper could do admin bits like take cat to vet, book an occasional gardener to cut back in autumn, make actually really nice food from scratch that takes more than 20min to do, sort out uniforms and schoolbags for the boys, do car MOT, order flowers for mother in law. De-moth the carpets every 6 months. Do a proper spring clean. Realise the hoover is breaking and get another one.

Basically anything I do at the last minute, swearing, on my phone, on the tube; and anything I don't do because it would take up a Saturday when I have to take kids to parties or because I'm knackered.

Why do you think you need to justify yourself to anyone? Who cares if you are seen as lazy or anything?

As long as you can afford it, go for it. It doesn't matter one bit if you spend your days painting your nails, painting art, horse-riding, or running a busy multi-national consultancy. If you want and can have paid help, go for it!

Have a housekeeper, a gardener, a car valet, a virtual PA... it's no-one's business, they are just bitter and jealous.

She's absolutely amazing.

She cleans everywhere every week, washes and changes the sheets (including in the guest suite if we've had family/ friends over, or if DS and I have decamped in there half the night because he's been anxious), does most of the laundry, irons. She does most of the 'extra' jobs that need doing, like washing out cupboards, cleaning skirting boards, sorting the fridge and puts away the grocery delivery. If she has time, she makes flower arrangements for the house (I never ask her to, floristry is her thing). She brings me up a cuppa if I can't leave my desk and does any dishes lying about. Last week she deadheaded my roses and did a bit of weeding as she had some spare time (again, I didn't ask). Apparently the freezer in the utility needs defrosting, so she's doing that next week.

She also spends quite a lot of time fussing the dogs, which they love, and will take them up the track for a wee if I can't leave my desk and the dog walker isn't coming that date.

She isn't toiling away at breakneck speed every hour she is here. She will happily sit and have a cuppa, go for a potter about the garden and just gets done what needs doing. That's what I do in my job and I trust her to do the same.

That's crazy, though. They wouldn't judge you at all if you were a SAHM.

I’d be looking closely at the person who saw fit to bring this malicious comment to you, I wonder why they decided to do that, and wonder if the if comment(s) were even made in the first place.

If you can afford it and it makes your life easier then there is no issue there. I think the ‘gossipers’ are jealous as they don’t have that help

OP I am single in a small flat and what I wouldn't give for an hour's housekeeping a day!I'm thinking of asking at a church if anyone would do that.

Re men, I once dated a man with a housekeeper. I honestly had people say to me "do you want to date someone that lazy". He was up at 5 daily and ran a couple of successful businesses. Some people are just spiteful and jealous.

I don't think that's true - there's plenty of judgement about SAHMs of school age children

I read this and was filled with pure utter green envy. I suspect anyone saying anything has the same. You should be proud of yourself for doing so well and also you've given your housekeeper a rare school friendly job. As pp said, they're not judging your husband are they? Just you, because women should be out there on their knees scrubbing the doorstep daily to signal to the neighbours that they are proper women who know how to keep a clean house.

I work ft and don't even have a cleaner because my house is so chaotic I can't cope with the added responsibility of tidying up for them. I would love a 3 days a week housekeeper 😀

Yup. Totally agree. In between my full time job and normal childcare, and with having a cleaner who spends 5 hours cleaning my house and excluding meal prep and laundry that me and DH have done.... just this week (which has been a quiet week actually), things I could have possibly outsourced if I had a housekeeper would include:

Taking dog to vet. Refilling her prescriptions and getting her pill box sorted (Yes, this is a thing in our house).
Taking DS to hairdresser.
Bought DD's dance kit for her show.
Done the weekly shop.
Walked the dog (do housekeepers do that?)
Cleaned the icky bit underneath the shower door (my cleaners don't do it - mostly just because I don't think they have time.)
Baked cookies for McMillan coffee morning tomorrow

And the things I haven't done but that if I had a housekeeper WOULD have been done include:
Cleaning the windows
Cleaning the inside of the fridge
Taking the pile of china/crockery to the charity shop
Started planning for DD's halloween party (I'll land up doing it the weekend before, between running around at various activities).
Organise to sell DS's unworn, very expensive trainers on Vinted/Ebay...
Get to the dry cleaner/seamstress to get the hole in my coat fixed and to make the alterations needed on a dress

... the list is endless.

omg my children are all teens and i know i could do with this type of support! sounds brilliant

It’s jealousy. I would put on the village WhatsApp ‘looking for a professional arse-wiper, 12 hours a week, £15 an hour, clean driving licence is a must’

That’ll shut ‘em up.

No of course not. They just sound jealous! I have a cleaner it Definitely makes me happier!!

You dont have to be worked off your feet to want or need or employ a housekeeper.
If you can afford one and want one, then its nobodys business if you sit on your bum all day watching soap operas, or you are out saving lives.
Its your life, you run it as you see fit and ignore all the twats who think anyhone gives a shit what they think.
As I said always to my girls when they were growing up and they came acrross jealous madames, "its quite funny that they think their opinion matters isnt it?".

The gossips clearly have dull lives and/or like to routinely judge with little solid information. Ignore them.
I'm glad having this help makes your life a little easier and you also sound like a fair employer.

Sounds like there's a bit of green-eyed going on.
Fuck it, if I had the money to be "lazy" about housekeeping id pay the bill and put my feet up.
Youve earned it - spend it how you like and ignore the gossips.

Telling that they think it makes you lazy and presumably not your husband. I’m Assuming you are a woman and your husband is a man.

yep jealous that you are not conforming to the woman does the housework role.

I mean... I'm sure you could manage without a housekeeper, as there are millions of people who have lives as busy as yours and cope without paid help. But I would absolutely not judge someone for having a housekeeper. If you can afford it, and it makes your lives easier, it seems like a bloody great idea to me! Why be a martyr to chores and admin when you don't actually need to be?! If that's considered lazy, then so be it - bring on the laziness, I say!

I'm sure most people at times will pay someone to do a job they could do themselves but which would be a pain in the arse for them. For instance, I have a ladder and a bucket and could in fact clean my own windows. But I pay a window cleaner to do it because I absolutely cannot be bothered to drag out the ladder and fill a bucket and teeter on the top rung with water dripping down my arms sponging bird shit off a window when I could be doing, well, literally anything else. Employing a housekeeper is really no different, assuming you can afford to do it.

The only thing that would make me judge you would be if you weren't treating your housekeeper properly in terms of things like salary, holiday pay, sick leave etc. If you're a decent employer I wouldn't judge you at all.

(Also, if was someone looking for a nice job 18 hours a week that wasn't too stressful, I'd love a position like the one your housekeeper has!)

Not at all. You work hard - bet they don’t think your dh is lazy. This is all about expecting women to do everything while if men have a job, that’s enough

When we lived abroad we had a live in housekeeper. It was bliss once we had got used to the idea. DS was little then and I never had to worry about nipping out to the dentist/shop etc and dragging him with me. I never had to worry if the house was clean and tidy if I spontaneously brought somebody back for a coffee, never had to worry about the dog being left alone etc.
No judgement from me at all. Seems a win win.

You don't have to justify yourself to village gossip. I would get a housekeeper in a heartbeat! We had one growing up and she was the best 'auntie' ever! MIL still has the same housekeeper from more than 20 years ago.

If I won the lottery and didn’t have to work, and thus had all the time in the world to run a house, the first thing I’d do is hire someone else to run it. Absolutely no interest in doing it, though unfortunately I have to. Ignore the gossip, carry on living your life, enjoy that you have this.

This is why I’d rather open a vein than move to a village. Everyone knowing your business and, worst of all, somehow convincing themselves that you’ll care what they think about it. Not for a gold clock!