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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

203 replies

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

OP posts:
mehtivation · 28/09/2023 18:59

Sorry if someone asked already - how much do you pay and are you "official"
with it? How does it work for tax, insurance etc? I'm insanely envious and wonder if I could find somebody to do the same at our gaff

LunchBoxPolice · 28/09/2023 19:05

She sounds fantastic. I have a child with SEN, I don’t work and if I had the money I’d have a housekeeper too 😆 Balls to what other people think.

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 19:32

mehtivation · 28/09/2023 18:59

Sorry if someone asked already - how much do you pay and are you "official"
with it? How does it work for tax, insurance etc? I'm insanely envious and wonder if I could find somebody to do the same at our gaff

Yes, completely above board with it. I don’t agree with employing people under the radar, there is no way she could be classed as legitimately self employed. It’s not fair on employees, and can easily come back to bite you. She has a contract of employment which we renew each year. I don’t think we have shy special insurance, maybe employer’s liability? She gets 25 days annual leave pro rata and we pay her for 18 hours a week at £14 an hour. We have signed her up for auto enrolment. We use an online payroll service. We employed a nanny for several years on the same terms, so it’s no bother.

OP posts:
LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 19:32

Mehtivatiin we use a payroll service called Staff Tax, who do the employment side for you (at a cost)

OP posts:
GloomySkies · 28/09/2023 19:33

If you were a full time working man with a SAHW doing all the domestic bits and childcare nobody would say you were lazy.

VivaLaVolvo · 28/09/2023 19:37

I cant see what she does that is the role of a housekeeper?
She is a cleaner?

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 19:48

VivaLaVolvo · 28/09/2023 19:37

I cant see what she does that is the role of a housekeeper?
She is a cleaner?

Okay, a 3 day a week cleaner/ laundry lady/ girl Friday. We’ve just always called her a housekeeper because that’s what the tax company said she was and that’s what her contract says. No biggie.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 22:56

@VivaLaVolvo

Can you enlighten us on what your interpretation of a housekeeper is?

nearlywinteragain · 28/09/2023 22:58

The woman I employ does the same stuff alongside the organization that I suspect OP's person might do.
She is called a housekeeper?
I got her because I wanted more than the cleaners I've used in the past have done.

NalafromtheLionKing · 28/09/2023 22:58

So you work full-time and earn really well so could do with support on the home front? I thought you were going to say that you didn’t work and employed a full-time cleaner/housekeeper!

Sounds amazing and I am a little jealous, as is the person who criticised you 😁

Delphigirl · 28/09/2023 23:08

Repeat after me.
those who mind don’t matter. Those who matter don’t mind.

you do you. At one point I had a housekeeper a nanny a full time gardener/handyman and a maternity nurse. I couldn’t give a rats arse what the village thought of me.

Zippedydoodahday · 28/09/2023 23:22

Meh. Ignore them. I have a housekeeper and it's bloody brilliant and the only way personally I can cope with juggling my full on career and kids.

She does about 20 hours a week of chores, errands, laundry, top-up cleaning and cooking dinner. She says she's very happy and is well paid.

Then we have a cleaner for six hours a week, a nanny and an occasional gardener. Now that gives the neighbours something to gossip about 😂

But I don't care, because it's the only way I can enjoy any quality family time, and everyone directly involved is perfectly happy with the arrangement.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 28/09/2023 23:33

You're definitely not being unreasonable. You've got a hectic home life and demanding jobs, and having a housekeeper helps keep on top of things.
We have one too, twice a week and it's been transformative for giving us time back to spend together and slow life down around work and family.
Whoever was having a miaow moment in the village needs to get a hobby and stop judging other people's lives.

Spinet · 28/09/2023 23:39

I think I would advertise on the village Facebook page for an arse-wiper, just so the gossip knows you know and that they can fuck off.

Must be very bored to judge other people's lives like that. Makes me remember why I will never move back to a village.

mrwalkensir · 28/09/2023 23:46

Guessing that those gossiping about you are lucky enough to have family nearby to help them out. This never seems to count :)

ToWhitToWhoo · 28/09/2023 23:56

So long as you can afford it, and pay her a decent wage (which you do), there's nothing wrong with it!

It's interesting that the gossip just says YOU are entitled and lazy; not your husband - when the housekeeper is working for you both. Women should do everything, and as someone once put it, a woman's place is in the wrong! Not least in the view of some women.

Freetodowhatiwant · 29/09/2023 00:00

This is the stuff of which dreams are made. If I could have someone who would do all that and make a couple of nice healthy meals a week I would be overjoyed. I am sure they're just jealous. Fuck what they think.

omgsally · 29/09/2023 00:03

Warriormum1 · 28/09/2023 15:30

Could I ask you a question? I would love to have a housekeeper or a cleaner. I really could do with the help due to my circumstances but I am quite a private person and I struggle with the idea of having someone in my house going through my laundry, looking in cupboards, overhearing family conversations etc. I would feel very self conscious and like my home wasn't my own, if you see what I mean?
Can I ask you how you manage to deal with having another person so involved in the day to day running of your family life? Does it bother you at all?

If it helps, I'm a housekeeper and I genuinely don't register all the things you might be concerned about. I'm really discreet and just get on with things. I've seen all kinds but in the nicest possible way, I'm really not interested in other people's stuff. We've all got dirty laundry, medical paraphernalia, bank statements, whatever else.

PurpleButterflyWings · 29/09/2023 00:04

Fuck me how rude of them. Shock They sound so bitter and jealous. I am so sorry you are having to tolerate this nasty shit @LabradorLoveSausages Stay as you are, and ignore the fuckers who said this!

When you said you were being judged as lazy for having a housekeeper, I thought you were gonna say you don't go out to work. Then I would have said 'ummm well.....'

But this isn't the case. You work! And you have a family/children.

As I said, ignore them!

Warriormum1 · 29/09/2023 10:13

Thanks @omgsally that's reassuring to know. Hopefully most housekeepers would be as professional as you.

mehtivation · 29/09/2023 19:31

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 19:32

Mehtivatiin we use a payroll service called Staff Tax, who do the employment side for you (at a cost)

Thanks for answering... it's given me food for thought. I also don't like the idea of being off the books with stuff.

As someone else said, if you were a man with a wife who didn't work and did all those things absolutely no one would even think call you lazy. Carry on and enjoy, she sounds great!

theduchessofspork · 29/09/2023 19:33

It’s just jealous OP.

You know what gossip is like. It’s just a couple of idiots.

You are only being unreasonable in taking any notice.

OriginalFloorboards · 29/09/2023 19:41

If it makes you happy then that’s brilliant. I have three horses and I probably spend zillions on them (and they cause a mess not clear it up for me) but I’m so happy. Spend your money on whatever you like and ignore gossips.

Doingmybest12 · 29/09/2023 19:44

I used to day dream about having housekeeper when I was working when the children were small. Makes perfect sense and I'm sure you are a good employer. It used to be fairly standard for professional people , ie men to have housekeepers.

TheABC · 29/09/2023 19:45

You are being VERY unreasonable, OP. You need a hot gardener to round off the package and give the gossips a love triangle to think about.

This thread has spurred me to look at cleaners as work has gone insane.

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