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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

203 replies

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

OP posts:
GeekyDiva80 · 28/09/2023 13:12

I must be Queen of Laziness then. Have a full time housekeeper, weekly gardener, a maintenance man and we have catered food 😳. Our friends joke that we are running an estate 😂. But we choose to spend our money buying time.

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 13:21

Thanks for the supportive messages. It’s so hard when you feel like you are just about keeping the balls in the air and someone sticks the knife in (to mix my metaphors). I think need to get better at spotting misogyny and jealousy when it’s staring right at me (or at my back, I suppose.)

Why do some people get a kick out of judging other women harshly?

I guess there’s only one thing worse than being talked about…

OP posts:
Fink · 28/09/2023 13:24

I can't afford any hired help. But if I had the money, I would employ as many people as I could to take on all the stuff I'd rather not do: housework, ironing, gardening, small errands, shopping ... I would prefer to cook for myself and wash my own clothes, but anything else I could outsource, I absolutely would.

No judgement from me. I don't even care that you clearly have circumstances to make this the best option for your family. As far as I'm concerned, if you can afford it then go for it. Why spend every waking hour keeping house when you don't have to?!

In the past I was a bit judgemental about people who had hired help and didn't work, or family in the Middle East who had a 'maid' for a one bedroom apartment with no children. But now I just don't care what other people do with their own money and time. Good luck to them.

EricInk · 28/09/2023 13:24

No judgement here!
I would love a housekeeper and have been thinking about trying to hire one. Like others have said, you're buying time and it's your choice how you spend your money.

My sister has previously judged me for having a cleaner because 'she'd rather do it herself', up to her but I really wouldn't!

Sceptre86 · 28/09/2023 13:28

I have 3 kids and work part time. If I want back to full time then I would employ a housekeeper if I could afford to or a cleaner at the very least and outsource my laundry. You are doing what feels right for your family. Ignore anyone who attempts to judge you.

Alsonification · 28/09/2023 13:29

I wouldn't judge you at all. In fact, I'm jealous of your housekeeper!!!

It would be my perfect job. My own kids are adults so I don't have to organise their lives & im brilliant (if I do say so myself lol) at organising & running a household. I'd love to do it for a family with older children who need the extra help.

DilemmaDelilah · 28/09/2023 13:41

When I win the lottery I will have a housekeeper, and cleaner(s) and a gardener. I will never ever have to change the sheets on any of our beds ever! And I will not be working. If you want it, and can afford it, why not!

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 28/09/2023 13:44

She jealous, take no notice

Beseen22 · 28/09/2023 13:46

I'm surprised you get that attitude down south, I would have thought a lot of people would need fairly big jobs and dual income to afford such high house prices and therefore outsourcing household jobs would be more acceptable. My cousin married someone who was raised in the middle east and she was absolutely shocked that we have 2 kids and work without a nanny or maid. She would see it as her responsibility as a fairly high earner to provide a job for someone to do, all of her peers would have had multiple staff in their households. She married a Scotsman from a very working class family where there was more the attitude of its lazy to pay someone to do something you can do yourself. She looks a hell of a lot better rested than all of us and has more time to put to her career so not sure it's all that much of a money saver to do it all yourself.

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 13:47

Alsonification · 28/09/2023 13:29

I wouldn't judge you at all. In fact, I'm jealous of your housekeeper!!!

It would be my perfect job. My own kids are adults so I don't have to organise their lives & im brilliant (if I do say so myself lol) at organising & running a household. I'd love to do it for a family with older children who need the extra help.

Our housekeeper is lovely and she says this is the best job she’s ever had. She works hard, but we make sure she has plenty of time to do her role, without it feeling like we are expecting her to be constantly on the go. She more than gives that back though. This week she cleaned and organised the pantry and made posies from the garden for the kitchen table and my dresser. That was nice to come home to.

OP posts:
Toastiesforever · 28/09/2023 13:49

God OP, this sounds amazing!!!!!!

Im so jealous of you in a good way lol, relish it, love it and hold you head up high!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/09/2023 13:50

Other people have no idea what goes on in your life
They're gossiping because they're jealous
You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone ever
You have a busy life and the housekeeper is also benefiting from employment so it's all good

CMOTDibbler · 28/09/2023 13:55

I have a housekeeper twice a week for a total of 9 hours - and have one child without SN and no school runs. My life and DHs life is so much better with never having to think about tidying, laundry, cleaning etc etc.
I'm sure others think I (not DH) am lazy or whatever, but it works for us

notlucreziaborgia · 28/09/2023 13:55

There’s no reason to let this bother you. You aren’t required to justify this to her.

I am lazy in that I will very happily pay other people to do the things I don’t like, and someone taking issue with this is not my problem.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 13:59

I’m a single parent with just 1 child, so there’s only 2 of us.

If I had the money I wouldn’t think twice about getting a housekeeper.

I feel like all my free time is taken up with household chores and if I had the money I would absolutely pay someone to do it, so then I’d have more time to do things that I want to do.

Waitingfortheconferencehosttojoin · 28/09/2023 13:59

You’re not lazy. What I wouldn’t give for a housekeeper. I have your life, plus 2 extra kids, and my house is doubtless messier, and I never get to bed before midnight.

I have a cleaner, but housekeeper is on my hit list, once I get the next promotion.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 14:00

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/09/2023 13:50

Other people have no idea what goes on in your life
They're gossiping because they're jealous
You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone ever
You have a busy life and the housekeeper is also benefiting from employment so it's all good

Exactly!!

GingerIsBest · 28/09/2023 14:01

So.... you both work full time. When you're not working, you're spending a lot of time focusing on supporting your DS with additional needs or your DD who is playing sport at a fairly high level?

God forbid you should also have time to chill out occasionally. No woman, don't you know, if you are in London for sport all day you should be getting up at 5am to clean the house before you leave. Preferably while allowing your DH to have a long lie in because those City jobs are hard work and earn a lot of money so he's tired, bless him....

Argh.

To the people commenting on 18 hours a week - I think that wouldn't be particularly hard to fill in a fairly large house. The point is that she's not just doing the necessities, she's doing a whole bunch of things that make life nicer and more pleasant by the sounds of things.

Teddleshon · 28/09/2023 14:03

Villages are full of poisonous people and if you live in a large house you will be a prime target. It took me a long time to realise this.

The bizarre thing is that people seem to resent you even if you do a huge amount of voluntary / charity work. There is just a minority of people who will fixate on you and somehow form the view that you think you are better than them.

When we lived in London we were in a very mixed area and I really didn’t feel this same resentment.

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 14:05

I like the sound of her

what exactly do they do and what do they not do?

does she prep dinner? Food shop?

Bubblehorizon · 28/09/2023 14:05

Eugh I was fantasising about having exactly this the other day. Just someone to do the cleaning, laundry etc. Then I though about how much everyone would judge. Which sadly seems to be true based on your experience. It’s not harming anyone and just making life a little easier for you and giving the housekeeper a job, so why do we as a society have to judge such things? Also I bet if you were a single male no one would judge. So no you are absolutely not being unreasonable, it sounds like a positive thing all round and the haters are likely very jealous so just try to ignore.

SVFXHMX42 · 28/09/2023 14:07

Is pure jealousy and misogyny. Your husband won't be similarly judged I'm sure.

Years ago there was a hit TV series "Wife Swap" which, as the name suggests, involved wives swapping homes for a week or so (can't remember exactly) and experiencing another woman's family set-up. I quite enjoyed it but often it boiled down to a cleaning competition, with the wives tutting at the level of housekeeping of the other wife and going OTT cleaning, as if that proves a woman's worth. Unfortunately I think there are still lots of women who hold this view.

From here it looks like you have a great set-up.

SaltyGod · 28/09/2023 14:08

I’ve got a housekeeper. I was going to explain why but actually it doesn’t matter, no justification needed.

Point is, you like her, she likes you, it works for all the relevant involved people. All the irrelevant uninvolved people can fuck off quite frankly with their jealous opinions.

OneHornedFlyingPurplePeopleEater · 28/09/2023 14:11

They're clearly jealous, and never learned how to deal with jealousy!

I'd absolutely love this, in fact it's part of my dream lottery plan.
What does a housekeeper earn? It also sounds like a great job - school hours, local etc

Crikeyalmighty · 28/09/2023 14:11

Sounds fab to me- if in your position I would do that too - also you are giving a local work !!

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