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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to employ a housekeeper? Would you judge me as lazy?

203 replies

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 12:36

According to village gossip, which was not supposed to get back to me (and I wish it hadn't), this makes me entitled and lazy, and all I need now is an arse-wiper.

We employ a housekeeper for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. So, lots of help, but not exactly staff on tap. She is well paid, gets pension and sickness benefits and works around her kids' school hours (with holiday clubs as needed.) She is an absolute godsend, I think pretty happy in her role, and I feel having her allows family life to be calm, ordered, and sometimes even fun (although I still feel we never stop.) She does all the laundry and cleaning, as well as other 'as needed' jobs like washing sofa covers etc.

I work full time (except 3 school pick ups at 3.45, as DS is too anxious for the bus), running a small practice in a professional role. DH manages a large team in the City and is very involved at home, when he is here. We have a large (ish- more a chaotic cottage than a manor) house outside London. DD15 is very independent, except the usual support with school work and hobbies (one interest, in which she has good very ability, takes up most of Saturday in London during term time). DS11 has additional needs and needs quite a bit of support to manage his organisation, possessions, homework, appointments, emotions, medication, anxiety, eating, bedtimes and Lego collection. He's a great boy, but that support takes up a lot of time and emotional energy. We collapse into bed at 10.30 every night hardly having had a moment to ourselves, between meeting the needs of clients and the kids.

I am possibly taking a malicious comment to heart, but how can that possibly be considered a 'lazy' life, even though we have help?

OP posts:
Trickedbyadoughnut · 28/09/2023 14:59

Gosh, what a good idea, sounds perfect - for you AND your housekeeper! I bet she's glad for the job - part-time fitting around the children is so hard to find. Pat on the back for creating employment, frankly.

HideousKinky · 28/09/2023 15:09

No you are not lazy. If it works for you and you can afford it, why not? Your domestic arrangements are no-one else's business!

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 15:10

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/09/2023 14:53

This is why I’d rather open a vein than move to a village. Everyone knowing your business and, worst of all, somehow convincing themselves that you’ll care what they think about it. Not for a gold clock!

Fair point. We moved out (a long time ago) for better schooling options, space for Labradors and a community feel. By and large, we've got that and are very happy, but sometimes I really miss wandering down to the Tesco Express in Mile End, where no-one gave a shiny shit who you employ and what your husband does. DD says she's heading straight to Zone 1 as soon as she can, and we might well follow when we retire.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 28/09/2023 15:15

I always think that people who judge others for having cleaners ,housekeeper or Nannies should get a more interesting life.

Ignore the silly gossip and beware of the person who fed the gossip back to you !

MammaTo · 28/09/2023 15:15

willingtolearn · 28/09/2023 12:43

I would judge you in my head but that's my catholic working class upbringing talking - somehow my self esteem is linked to doing stuff myself.

That is entirely my problem and you should not give one shiny shit what I or any other people think of you.

You have made decision that work for you and your family - we should all do this but lots of us have weird thoughts/issues that get in our way.

Ohh god! Nail. On. Head 😂

Made me chuckle!

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 15:17

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/09/2023 14:53

This is why I’d rather open a vein than move to a village. Everyone knowing your business and, worst of all, somehow convincing themselves that you’ll care what they think about it. Not for a gold clock!

I moved to a fairly small community a couple of decades ago - one of the first things I decided to do was not give a hoot about what the local gossips think or do! I think some folk think I am standoffish, but I actually just don't care for their rubbish! I have got to know some lovely people though, and they have similar feelings about the gossips, in fact some even stronger because they grew up here!

Quitelikeit · 28/09/2023 15:22

Gosh she sounds like a dream op!

Don’t let other people live rent free in your head.

Enjoy this luxury, you have earned it and are damn well entitled to spend your hard earned cash how you see fit

MassageForLife · 28/09/2023 15:25

If I could afford it, i bloody would do this too! This is their issue, not yours.

And on the plus side, you are providing someone with an income. That's a really good thing!

Concannon88 · 28/09/2023 15:28

I'm not bothered you have a cleaner or jealous as I'd never feel comfortable having someone sort my mess out. Just wondering how it takes someone 18 hours to clean a cottage that you say isnt a manor. When I was young I cleaned for a family who had 6 kids, 8 dogs, 4 reception rooms, 6 bathrooms and 8 bedrooms and that only took me 12 hours.

Warriormum1 · 28/09/2023 15:30

Could I ask you a question? I would love to have a housekeeper or a cleaner. I really could do with the help due to my circumstances but I am quite a private person and I struggle with the idea of having someone in my house going through my laundry, looking in cupboards, overhearing family conversations etc. I would feel very self conscious and like my home wasn't my own, if you see what I mean?
Can I ask you how you manage to deal with having another person so involved in the day to day running of your family life? Does it bother you at all?

JMSA · 28/09/2023 15:33

As a single parent of 3 who works full-time, I can only imagine what 18 hours of help in one week would feel like!
It's the laundry that really gets to me. If I could afford help with this, I'd go for it!
It's not lazy at all, but it's a lot of help and you're very lucky! Grin

EaudeJavel · 28/09/2023 15:33

arintingly · 28/09/2023 14:29

I don't think that's true - there's plenty of judgement about SAHMs of school age children

that's true, you just have to read the threads on here about it. The resentment and bitterness about the use of these hours when the kids are at school is very strong.

Imagine when SAHM have cleaners and/or housekeepers!

IncompleteSenten · 28/09/2023 15:36

It's not morally superior to clean your own house. I don't know why some people get their knickers in a twist about it.

If you don't want to do it and can offer someone employment then great. That's a win win situation.

Bellaboo01 · 28/09/2023 15:36

Why worry about whether I would (or anyone else for that matter) would judge you. You dont know me and me you.

What i'm trying to say is - why do you care what other people think as long as it is working fine for your family?

Bookist · 28/09/2023 15:36

Ignore them. They're eaten up with envy. We employ a cleaner/housekeeper once a week. She tackles all the housework, changes all the beds, will do a grocery shop, tidy out cupboards, do laundry etc. Our DCs are away at university and DH often works away, but I still wouldn't be without her. She makes my life infinitely easier and nicer and we can easily afford her, so why the fuck not?

LabradorLoveSausages · 28/09/2023 15:38

Warriormum1 · 28/09/2023 15:30

Could I ask you a question? I would love to have a housekeeper or a cleaner. I really could do with the help due to my circumstances but I am quite a private person and I struggle with the idea of having someone in my house going through my laundry, looking in cupboards, overhearing family conversations etc. I would feel very self conscious and like my home wasn't my own, if you see what I mean?
Can I ask you how you manage to deal with having another person so involved in the day to day running of your family life? Does it bother you at all?

We are also quite private people, but have always had a cleaner (not a housekeeper). She is mostly here when we are out working, or when one of us is holed up in the study working from home, and so I've never felt she impinges on my space. The kids are much less likely to be stroppy or answer back when she is here, as they like her and want to make a good impression. DH and I have had to shut the study door to have cross words now and again. The being very involved in our stuff (sorting laundry etc. ) is very personal I suppose, but that doesn't bother me at all.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 28/09/2023 15:47

Well village life can be like that. Everyone interested in other people’s business. It can be a good thing but jealousy is quickly found where people expect everyone to behave and possess the same standard of living as themselves. My dd lived in a village and that is how she found it.

Stigsmother · 28/09/2023 15:50

In my view by outsourcing what you can you are providing employment, and helping to keep the economy going.

Warriormum1 · 28/09/2023 15:54

Thanks @LabradorLoveSausages Maybe I should try a cleaner first and see how I get on.

inloveandmarried · 28/09/2023 15:57

I had a housekeeper. I loved that time in my life. I had a gardener and a part time nanny too. It was effortless. I could concentrate properly on my family.

I now have to do everything including cleaning the windows and putting the bins out. It's just how life is now.

Enjoy it, make the most of every life opportunity, things can change in an instant.

I like the saying 'May you live every day of your life'. Sort of sums it up really.

SkyeBlue28 · 28/09/2023 16:01

I don’t think you’re lazy at all. You are making sure that your family is looked after and your household is running smoothly. People can be so judgemental.

HoneyBadgerMom · 28/09/2023 16:03

The people criticizing you for having a part-time housekeeper are jealous and defensive that you are doing more with your life than they are. This is no different than high school girls calling a girl prettier than them a slut. They're sniping at you because you make them feel inferior.

Blow it off. Lions don't care about the opinions of sheep. 😍

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 28/09/2023 16:20

You're lucky you can ai;ford her. It sounds like a perfect solution. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.

Never judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes, as they saying goes.

Sounds like your ds takes up a lot of time, and it's much better that you can conserve your energy for him, not cleaning!

Ihadenough22 · 28/09/2023 16:35

I think it's a great idea having a house keeper for 6 hours a day 3 days a week. It making family life easier. Meanwhile she has money to help her family.

A few years ago a friend of mine and her husband decided to get a cleaner for a few hours a day twice a week. My friend had gotten into a term time only job after working pt. Her husband was working long hours at times and they had young kids.
My friend said it kept their house clean and the washing done. At weekends they were busy with kids activities and family time.

One of my friends refused to get involved in a time consuming fund raising event for her kids school. She got a reply back I am sure you will still have time for X. My friends mother meanwhile had been diagnosed with a serious health problem. My friend dealing with this and trying to get things in place for her mother. She was also working full time with young kids. The lady who made this comment had no idea of all that was going on in my friends life at the time.

Some people will make comments but they have no idea of the reality of your own personal circumstances or what's going on within your family. They could be jealous because they can't afford this. Perhaps their husband is mean with the family finances and thinks this is a waste of money.

If you know who made this comment I make sure to let them know how great you find having X working for you is and maybe make a smart comment back to them.

CornedBeef451 · 28/09/2023 16:39

That sounds lovely!

Just ignore them.