Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

I'd be complaining to HR personally

I wouldn't leave it . I'd ask them all if they had a nice evening and watch them
Squirm .

It’s not nice of them, no. Was it a work event, though, or a social event that happened to be with work colleagues? I’ve always had lots of work friends (despite Mn generally thinking this is weird) and have done meals out with them - I didn’t invite colleagues who weren’t my friends, but I wasn’t ‘excluding them from a work event’ I was going out with mates.

AuntieDolly · Today 16:03

“I'd be complaining to HR personally”

On what basis? Used to go out for dinner with friends from work. It wasn’t a “work” event.

Was it a work event? Was work paying? In which case YANBU and should raise with your manager and/or HR.

Or was it work colleagues going out together and paying their own way? In which case YABU its non of your business I am afraid.

That sounds hurtful. the truth is though that it's tricky for everyone in a team when colleagues don't get on. They probably just want to go out without an awkward atmosphere.

I think you need to ask yourself if you like these people enough to carry on working there, or whether you would rather move on?

As a manager was involved, it could potentially be a case for bullying.
it happened to me without the manager realising, she thought we just didn't want to go but had been asked, she went absolutely nuts at the colleagues when she found out that 2 of us had been deliberately excluded.

I’m sorry that this has happened. Exclusion from work social events is a recognised form of workplace bullying:

https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

It’s unprofessional and would obviously make you or any other person who is excluded feel disrespected and hurt.

I’d recommend looking through the ACAS website and approaching them for advice. And if it only happened last night I’d sit on it for a couple of days while you have a chance to process it.

I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about raising this as a concern with HR or management. It is objectively unacceptable behaviour and you wouldn’t want others to be excluded in the future in the same way.

If it was a work social event, then speak to HR.

If it’s just a case they’re all friends and it was a friends social event, as much as it hurts, you can’t really complain about it.

If you aren’t mixing well with the team, is there another team you could move to? Or maybe look at ways you can bond?

It wasn't a work event though was it? It was a social gathering among a group of "friends who are also colleagues"/"colleagues who are also friends" and they aren't obliged to be friends with you. If it was in work time, or work paid for it, or work discussions and decisions were made there that you should have been included in then ywnbu but it doesn't sound like this is an issue.

Be a grownup professional and expect the same of your colleagues. Get the job done and focus on doing a good job. If any of your colleagues actions are actually detrimental to your ability to do the job effectively then yes you should complain. Otherwise not. Your hurt feelings and friendship opportunities are not your colleagues responsibility.

I find that really mean, I really do.
I am sorry that happened to you but I would absolutely not leave over that.
They are the rude ones not you, so if the job is good enjoy it, it is on them and yes like some others said I would ask them how was their evening just to see them squirm.

You can go down the route of a complaint.

However, it’s not going to make anything better. People won’t suddenly enjoy your company.

I would be interested to know why they have all of a sudden excluded you, why you have found getting on with them in the last year a challenge. But I would love to know their POV on it.

Can you ask the organisers why they left you out? That’s very hurtful.

Complain about what? That her colleagues went to dinner on their own personal time and she wasn't invited?

Was it actually a work event? Or a friendship group event?

I had some recent workplace training on bullying and harassment and this exact same scenario was given as an example of bullying. It doesn't matter that it was not a work event. It's considered work place bullying. I hope your ok OP.

I’d imagine it’s because she isn’t popular with the group of people who chose to socialise together.

It’s not pleasant for the op, but I don’t think it’s rude or out of order not to enjoy someone’s company.

‘Putting them on the spot’ won’t really make them squirm, it will just highlight awareness. Would you have wanted a pity invite?

This is key.

Being excluded from a work can rightfully be raised with HR.

To be excluded from a social event, whilst potentially hurtful, just means your colleagues do not wish to socialise with you.

*you're

It's horrible, weaselly, but it happens, and is not rare.
Your colleagues will genuinely not see it as the big deal that you do (even if there was an unspoken agreement not to let you find out - that too, they will think you'll be broadly ok with).
I'd give it a kind of 3 strikes mentality, not just with events that would be defensible as non-work, but anything else that you might find that strikes you as 'off' in future. When this was happening to me, there were certainly 3 things that belonged in that area. I tried to address them with a manager and a long-term, usually very fair, colleague (e.g. 'the social check-in could be at breakfast time sometimes, rather than the day I'm not in? I'd feel x, y ,z about that.')
Nothing changed; no shits given; THEN was the time to go.

Hmm. I suspect it all depends on the specific circumstances because going out with your work friends and not inviting everyone is definitely not bullying in most situations. For example, team of 30. Four people from the team go out for a meal. How would that possibly count as bullying? I could see there might have a case if 29 of the 30 went out and one person was deliberately left out.

This is a very, very hurtful situation and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

It happened to me and I work in a church. It was team leaders. People who are meant to be Christians.

As upsetting as this is, it's not a work activity. It's after hours.

But now you know where you stand.

...Plus, if you are part-time in any way, this does double the out-of-sight-out-of-mind = not-one-of-the-real-team likelihood. Even with people who should be very clued up on equality and fostering fair opportunities (as this was a key function of the team I am thinking of above, so it felt very hypocritical).

(Cross post with Gifgirl in some respects).

If it was a few people from the team going out as friends, that's one thing but if it was literally everyone in your team except for you then that's workplace bullying, even if it was an after work social event.