Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from work event

274 replies

Onionbhajisandwich · 27/09/2023 15:46

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

OP posts:
lto2019 · 27/09/2023 16:53

If it wasn't a work related event then there is nothing you can do. It does seem mean to exclude one person but it is not illegal.
I would reflect on why you might not have been invited and if you feel anything you do could have prompted this. If you feel you haven't done anything - and if you don't think things will change - then maybe a new job would be a positive mood. You want to want to move though rather than be forced out.

lliij8 · 27/09/2023 16:54

I wouldn't go to HR. Remember, HR isn't on your side, no matter how many smiley faces or rainbows they put in their emails. They're there to protect the company.

Anyway. Sounds like your male colleagues weren't invited either? It's not nice to feel excluded, but people can choose how they spend their own time and who they spend it with.

If you're still finding it difficult to get along with people there and it's making you unhappy, yes, it is time to move on.

PyramusandThisbe · 27/09/2023 16:55

cardibach · 27/09/2023 16:07

It’s not nice of them, no. Was it a work event, though, or a social event that happened to be with work colleagues? I’ve always had lots of work friends (despite Mn generally thinking this is weird) and have done meals out with them - I didn’t invite colleagues who weren’t my friends, but I wasn’t ‘excluding them from a work event’ I was going out with mates.

Yes, this is the key distinction -- was it a 'work event' or just people from the same workplace socialising together out of work hours? I have often also made good work friends, but if I see them outside of work, I wouldn't invite anyone I didn't consider a friend, nor would I feel obliged to. If it was an actual work event, that's different, obviously.

Smellslikesummer · 27/09/2023 17:01

Context is important here: how many female colleages went vs how many didn’t, how many women vs how many men in your team, etc.
Also how is the dynamic day to day.

In all the teams I know there are subgroups who
interact more with eachother, and I wouldn't see them meeting outside of work as a work event where everybody should be included.

Hummingbird89 · 27/09/2023 17:05

bemorebernard · 27/09/2023 16:05

I wouldn't leave it . I'd ask them all if they had a nice evening and watch them
Squirm .

Absolutely this.
People are usually only mean and exclusionary as long as they can get away with it. I’d take great pleasure in pulling them up on it in a passive aggressive way.

Cosycover · 27/09/2023 17:05

Bunch of bitches.

I'd ask them how it was.
Try not to let it bother you too much.

I would probably look for a new job too because I hate this bullshit.

EvilElsa · 27/09/2023 17:05

It's a difficult one.
Like others have said, it totally depends on if this was a work event or a social event. As much as it hurts and seems mean, they are entitled to meet as a group of friends. I've worked in places where I have been part of friendship groups and places where I haven't.
I'm sorry you feel upset, it's awful feeling excluded. Perhaps it would be better to look for a new job if you feel unhappy where you are.

Original poster
Onionbhajisandwich · 27/09/2023 17:09

It was a social event. I guess everyone is right - not my business I suppose. Still hurts though. The bullying has been relentless this last 12 months and this feels like the last straw. I can’t imagine making someone feel how I’ve felt today on purpose. Maybe that’s why I’m not a good fit in the workplace anymore.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 27/09/2023 17:10

This may constitute workplace bullying. It depends on how many others were excluded and how/why the event was organised.

Whether it is worth saying anything depends on your organisation.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 27/09/2023 17:11

Was it an official work event or just people who work together doing something after work? My take would be that if you don't particularly like or get along with them anyway then it's hurtful to be left out but would you have enjoyed it? I think you need to leave it.

Bearpawk · 27/09/2023 17:12

AuntieDolly · 27/09/2023 16:03

I'd be complaining to HR personally

Any say what exactly ?

HoakyCoachy · 27/09/2023 17:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GRex · 27/09/2023 17:12

How many people in the company? How many in your team? How many from your team went? How many from other teams?

If you want to prove bullying, then you need to be very clear by numbers that you were uniquely excluded.

Bearpawk · 27/09/2023 17:13

If they have genuinely been bullying you in other wags please submit a complaint with evidence

EvilElsa · 27/09/2023 17:14

Your latest post mentions a long history of bullying.
You can complain to HR if this is the case -not about the social event singularly, but as part of a chain of bullying.
If I was you I'd just look for a new job and move on. Life is short. Work is long. Enjoy it as much as you can.

topnoddy · 27/09/2023 17:14

Very snidey of them to all go without even inviting you

I'd rather be excluded than forced to go myself

GCAcademic · 27/09/2023 17:17

I wouldn't go to HR. Remember, HR isn't on your side, no matter how many smiley faces or rainbows they put in their emails. They're there to protect the company.

Someone always trots this out, but part of protecting the company involves ensuring that it isn’t opening itself up to claims of bullying or discrimination. As pp have noted, there is precedent for this kind of exclusion constituting workplace bullying.

anonymousxoxo · 27/09/2023 17:23

Look for a new job

ladypenelopesfan · 27/09/2023 17:27

If there are some "difficult personalities" at your workplace, OP, just be glad you didn't go.

I'd say nothing, polish up your CV and get looking for another job

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, it's really mean.

CleverLilViper · 27/09/2023 17:42

YANBU to feel hurt about this, especially if it comes on top of other instances of bullying by the same people.

As it was a social event and not a work event, whether it falls under workplace bullying is debatable. I'm loathe to think that we now have policies that reach over into personal lives. For example, I think it's absolutely reasonable and fair for people who work together who are also friends to meet up outside of work for drinks/food/whatever as a social function without inviting absolutely everyone on their team and I don't think that should count as workplace bullying.

Now, if it's a full team night out and only one or two people are deliberately excluded-that's another matter entirely.

If you've been experiencing bullying in the workplace, please raise a complaint with HR. You don't have to suffer through it alone and there are things that can be done to support you and deal with this. No one should feel that they have to leave a job just because of some people being twats. Although, all too often, that is what happens.

If you raise a complaint, you could potentially mention this event and the keeping it secret from you as further proof of exclusion/bullying just to show their treatment of you.

Fiddlerdragon · 27/09/2023 17:43

Pix56 · 27/09/2023 17:10

That’s a completely misleading headline. If you read the article she sued and was awarded compensation for race and age discrimination, and unfair dismissal. She said she also felt excluded by not being invited to a social event arranged by the other staff, there was nothing illegal about it though.
For those saying report to hr, what do you think that will achieve? They can’t ban work friends from meeting outside work, and surely the op doesn’t wasn’t to be invited to any get togethers because they don’t want to be told off by the boss. For whatever reason they don’t want you there. Getting your boss involved is like a 9yo getting their mum to have a go because they’ve not been invited to a party. It’s all a bit pathetic

honeybeetheoneandonly · 27/09/2023 17:51

Would you have even wanted to go and spent your evening in the company of people who you don't like either?

TheShinmeister · 27/09/2023 17:52

100 per cent bullying and they’re a bunch of cunts

JustPressRed · 27/09/2023 17:57

Any unrest with friendships formed at work is horrible, if nothing else you spend a large chunk of your life at work (assuming you're full-time), so yes of course it's hurtful.

However, you say that you've all worked together for a long time, but over the last year you have found some relationships difficult, which I gather means that something tangible has happened between you and one or more of your colleagues? If not, and this has been building over time without you really knowing why, then you need to raise it with a higher entity. As long as the dinner was purely social and not work-related, then whilst unpleasant, there's not much you can do. If you are enduring hostility IN the workplace then that's a very different matter.

Do you get on reasonably well with any of the group concerned? As in well enough to ask them why you are being so obviously ostracised lately?

Swipe left for the next trending thread