Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

Well of course not and that was not the point of my comment.

...So what would the abstract "HR" do?

As previously pointed out, the group and prevailing culture is likely to keep the power and 'win' - or not change its ways. A scapegoat may also be identified if training or policy clearly says this thing is not what we say we do. Life is likely still to be very hard for the employee if they have a case. But they may win financially - and arguably the company may lose reputationally, depending on how public opinion would view the situation.

I'm finding this thread so fascinating and even if op didn't have a case it's clearly not a clear cut thing!

@Ormally thanks for that, interesting to read
Personally I don't get the point of complaining that people I don't like who don't like me, having a night out. Why would you want to go socialise like that?!

A wedding is hardly comparable as it's not only work colleagues attending

You must know that’s a silly rhetorical question. But Ormally responds clearly so no need for me to do it.

Good grief - do people actually talk like that -"very bad form". 🙄

It sounds as though OP doesn't even like half these people so I'm struggling to understand why she is so hurt that they don't want her on a meal out.

Why anyone makes their workplace so central to their happiness is also beyond me.

Good grief - do people still say.“Good grief”? Your reply, Mrs Rude Eye-Roll, suggests you have little emotional intelligence or empathy if you cannot understand how being ostracised is very upsetting. Please don’t bother quoting and replying.

Why anyone makes their workplace so central to their happiness is also beyond me.

I bet it is, yes, but I'll try to explain.

Most people spend quite a lot of time at work. They probably spend more time in the week with their work colleagues (WFH notwithstanding), or doing work, than with friends and family. That being the case, it's really pretty important to be happy at work. Not everyone is career oriented, but spending 20-40 hours a week doing something you hate and/or with horrible people, is a recipe for misery.

I hope that was understandable.

My workplace is far from "central to my happiness" - it's a means to an end - but I can understand how crap it feels to be ostracised and bullied by people you have to spend significant amounts of time with.

I doubt OP would have been rubbing her hands with glee at the thought of eating out with her colleagues, given their behaviour, but to find out afterwards that you're the only woman in the company not to have been invited puts a big shit stamp of "we don't like you and we don't want you here" over her working life and that feels rubbish even if she might have declined the invitation had she actually been asked.

Here are the three things you've said which make me think it's not just a social thing that you should ignore, but detrimental to your working relationships.

1. you were the only person excluded although you’ve all worked together for a long time.
2. This last year you've found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within your workplace a challenge.
3. It was kept secret from you, including by the member of management who attended.

If you have HR at your place, I would raise it with them, there will be an informal stage at which you can just talk to them. Tell the how you feel, and what outcome you'd like. An explanation? to clear the air? To help you feel less excluded? They should explore with the manager what happened and why.

Back to school stuff! Someone has made the decision to exclude you and others happy to follow . Your manager has colluded. What an unpleasant bunch. I’d speak to your manager about it initially, then HR, or find somewhere else to work.

@MichelleScarn This is (I hope) a fairly archaic rhetorical example, and a bit more blatant, but try this one.
2 of the male members of a team (let's say fairly senior) arrange to play golf. Over a year, they invite other people from this team, including those who are new, not very senior, and male. All of those who like their golf are added to a WhatsApp thread, mainly, but not entirely, about golf. There are 2 women who have been there some time but they aren't invited because a) the golf course needs a member to be able to sign other players in if they are not members already, b) neither women are that close to the member who'd do that, and c) the course only offers very few mixed M/F sessions anyway.

The women are not too bothered about the golf trips, but it all turns sour when the new recruit is promoted internally over one of them.

Social or affecting work dynamics?

It is actually a recognised form of workplace bullying - whether it was a work event or not - and will be covered in most dignity at work policies. So, yes, absolutely make a complaint to HR. Especially if the struggles to get on with some people are also connected to these same people being nasty at work.

There was an element of race discrimination and other incidents in the workplace involved in the judgement - she had requested and had been refused refresher training and a white colleague had been given a place on the course instead. It also seems there was evidence of deliberate collusion between other employees to exclude her. In the summing up, the judge concluded that ‘being excluded from discussions at work about a social occasion amongst colleagues when one would normally be included would subject an employee to a detriment at work’.

It’s not clear whether the OP has any ‘special characteristics’ under the Equality Act 2010 that would qualify her own situation as discrimination, but even so, along with the other examples of bullying I don’t think the OP would be unreasonable in suing the employer for constructive dismissal should she decide to leave - assuming she has the required length of service. Her colleagues have bullied her and excluded her from social events, and there’s been collusion from someone in a management position. I would be looking for another job and getting evidence together for a tribunal.

And the other workplace bullying, and the fact that a manager colluded in all of this ? Is that ‘back to school stuff’ too ? The same people who are making her life miserable in the office are excluding her from social events with the tacit agreement of a manager. I’d say there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye.

If there's no HR dept it must be quite a small company. Are the numbers big enough to be sure it's not coincidence?

Why would there be an event for only the female half of the company? Sounds like a right weird place to work.

This happened to me years ago (early 90s). One colleague (we'll call her Claire) was a couple of years younger than me and we had a massive clash of personalities to put it shortly.

One day, a colleague mentioned that they'd all gone out the evening before. My manager had arranged it but 'claire' had said 'it's me or her'. Instead of telling her to grow up and it was her choice, she basically kow-towed to her and didn't invite me. I was literally the only one who wasn't invited. When I found out, it hurt like hell and I felt betrayed. I spoke to my manager about it and told her how I felt. That was when she told me that 'claire' had given her an ultimatum. When I told her what her response should've been she just looked sheepish. This was a person I considered a friend

From then on I kept my distance, things were really frosty for a while after that, I just couldn't be bothered to join in with the frivolity of the office, it all seemed false. It wasn't too long before I found a new job.

This was 30 years ago (I'm now 53) and the hurt has always stuck with me and gave me a life lesson (if I ever needed one) to stand up for others if I found myself in a similar situation on the other side. I also told the tale to my daughters when they were young so they wouldn't even think of doing something similar

It's a shitty thing to do and you have my sympathy x

This has just happened to me, a couple of work colleagues and my manager who I all get along with all went out for a night out and nobody invited me and I don't know why but it sucks 😞

Yes and that is perfectly acceptable but be tactful. My colleagues often do this and excluded people. They sit and chat about it over the lunch table which I think is rude. Meet up if you must but don't purposely.ake others feel excluded.

Zombie thread!

It’s a non work event, they are socialising in their own time. They are friends and you are a work colleague to them. It wouldn’t upset me.

So friends from work can’t go out in a small group? I find that hard to believe or it would stand up in tribunal.

This is taking completely out of context. There were other factors like racism and agism but the judge said “ We all conclude that this exclusion was because she had complained of discrimination.” She didn’t get compensation because she was left out it’s because she was proven to have been discriminated against.