Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

Of course you can make a complaint, but unfortunately it won't improve things for you in the company.

They might become a bit more cautious, but bullies will never suddenly start liking or respecting you.

The only option you have is to leave and find a job where you are valued.

Oh how very helpful, Shinmeister.

OP, I don't think that not inviting you out of an evening constitutes bullying.

If there is real workplace bullying and you can get evidence, then that might be different.

It does seem you don't gel with these people - that can happen to anyone, and if it's making you unhappy I'd look to move on quietly, not begin lengthy, costly and stressful legal proceedings.

I do feel for you though, it does sting. Not your fault. But don't try and sue!

surley if its a private get together and nothing on the company books then its an outside event ?

how do you usually get along with other staff member's ?

@Onionbhajisandwich

I wouldn’t have a problem if it was only a select few who were out but to isolate one person leaving them out is not on!

I would terminate the employment of any employee that tried to get another employee fired. In fact, I have.

it’s one of the things I stress the most. Unless someone is stealing and or is an immediate risk to others, do not mess with your colleagues jobs and mental health. Workplace exclusion is cruel.

Good on you for not going! I wish more people would be strong enough to do that.

Poor you. That’s really unpleasant. If it’s any consolation, I bet they don’t all dislike you. It’s probably just one or two bitchy sort of ringleaders. It usually is. You’d be within your rights to go to HR if you wanted since the manager was there too. Others perhaps assumed you’d been invited.

I hope you’re doing ok and plan some sort of lovely treat for yourself to make up for the unpleasantness.

Did they go out for dinner or was it a work event? They're allowed to go for dinner together and they're allowed to attend a work event without you if it only applies to their roles. They're not allowed to exclude you from a work event that is relevant to your position. But your title says one thing and your OP says another so it's not entirely clear what happened.

This happened to me over 20 years ago. Some of these women were at my wedding, that’s how close we had been. I was on my hands and knees with PND and PTSD after a horrendous birth and 3 subsequent miscarriages. They excluded me from a birthday lunch (including the HR director) and I will admit that I was not myself, I was like a walking zombie but it still really hurt. I was even told by one of them to “get over it.” Women can be such arseholes OP, sending you a big hug 🤗

Is there one that you do get on with? I'd tell her that you know. She'll tell the others.
Say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry I seemed to miss the email about the trip out the other day, or was it kept a secret from me on purpose? It hurts to be singled out like that, you know?"
Make sure they know you know.
And stay strong. It's not always easy to find another job. Think of some good answers that you can have to hand and take the situation into hand. Grown women shouldn't be bullying each other. It's shocking. You need to tackle them. Take the main one down. Don't get angry, just tell her straight that her behaviour is appalling.

I don’t intend making a complaint and we don’t have a HR department. I asked a while ago for the bullying to be dealt with but I got fobbed off and then dropped. I think moving on is sensible now although I feel anxious about it. I don’t like change much and it’s been a year full of change so far.

For clarity every other female in the company was invited. I was the only one left out. I don’t know why the men weren’t invited - maybe they were and chose not to go.

@TheShinmeister perfectly put x

But the latter is the case in the OP’s scenario. Everyone else did go out. The OP was the only one left out.

Like @Sunsetred says, this is considered to be workplace bullying. I used to be a Union Shop Steward and received training on things like this (but luckily never had to actually deal with it).

You don’t need to leave. I know it may feel like you want to but soon this will be a distant memory. Hold your head up and keep on doing your thing.

Why prolong the suffering though? Life is too short. Surely?

You terminated someone's employment for not inviting another colleague to a social occasion?

What is wrong with people? Who in their right mind would purposely leave one person out? You'd think at least one of these nasty bitches would say no that's not nice, invite everyone. I'd face up to one of them and say how hurt you are. Word will soon get to the rest of them. If they dont care you definitely need to move on, life is too short to work with arseholes

What kind of bullying has taken place?

It's mean and nasty but I don't think it's workplace bullying if this was done outside work and not connected to any work activities.

There's little you can do. I wouldn't show any reaction as the ringleaders will get off on that. I bet a few have just gone with the herd, they won't all be against you.

Sorry to ask this if it is hurtful or going over old ground on this thread, but is there a reason why they didn't invite you? Have you been invited but said no before, so they think you might not be interested? Or (being really blunt) has there been a falling out?

Also, while I'm sticking my head above the parapet, maybe you could look for an easier route than quitting your job by saying something like "wow, that sounds great. I'd love to join you all next time" and see what happens. If there's an awkward silence, you have your answer. If in three weeks time you're recovering from a hangover having spent the night dancing on tables and downing shots with your new besties, job done.......

I'm a man so I'm sure there are mumsnetters on here that will point out that I don't understand, but just trying to find a way forward. It must be very upsetting to feel left out.

Not nice op hope u ok. Grown women can be nasty. You be sick it. I temped for bit the cliques were desperate at times

I thought I read the men weren't included either? I could be wrong
Maybe they just didn't want OP to be there? Maybe they don't get along with OP? I understand being hurt by it but there is always 2 sides to a story.
I just don't think anyone should be forced to invite all colleagues to a social event. Work related yes of course noone should be excluded.

time To move on op, sometimes the fight really isn’t worth it. You can find a kinder place to work

While it is unkind to exclude only you, it wasn't actually a work function so they can invite whoever they want.

You did say you've found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within your workplace a challenge this year, so I imagine that had something to do with it. It's not nice, but I think you just have to let it go.

This is exactly what I would do.