Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

I still think it's important to know what actually happened on work premises, in work hours, that constituted bullying. That's really more important than an out of work social event and easier to address.

Something similar happened to me. Upon conversation with a client, they decided it would be nice to have a dinner with the rest of my team. The invite went to my boss (and team). My whole and boss went, I was excluded. Even though it was something that happened as a result of my dealings with the client. They even messaged me a few days later and said they'd missed me at the dinner. I was thoroughly embarrassed.
Id decided that was the final straw and my workplace, colleagues and boss didnt respect me. So a few weeks later, i quit. And, went onto better things.

@SurprisedWithAHorse examples of the in office bullying were being snapped at repeatedly to the point that I felt uncomfortable even opening my mouth (even to ask a work related question), lies being told about me. I phoned the office one day When working from home to check on a project and I could hear one of my colleagues loudly bad mouthing me in the open office - telling everyone that I’d messed a task up which wasn’t even my task - I hadn’t touched it. There’s lots of examples. It’s been going on for such a long time.

All of it hurts but I’ve kept my head down and got on with my work and it hasn’t stopped. This weeks social was the final straw.

Thanks all for your input. Lots of food for thought. I’ve had a really good think about what I want for the future over the last couple of days and have decided to move on. I’m not going to put a complaint or go to court or anything like that.

Best to move on with some dignity.

I think a key point here is how many people we’re talking about. “All the women bar OP” could be four, or it could be forty. (It sounds a small company if it doesn’t have an HR department.)

If there are, say, 10 people working there, 5 women including OP and 5 men and the other 4 women went out together, then it’s a shame for OP that she’s not part of the friendship group (and any bullying going on in work time is absolutely wrong), but it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that the other 4 women are a close-knit group of friends who often socialise together.

However if there are 40 people in the company, 20 women including OP and 20 men, what are the chances of every single one of those other 19 women all being really good friends, to the level of socialising out of work, and OP being the only one who is fundamentally unfriendable? Slim to none, I’d say, and therefore this exclusion would be a clear case of workplace bullying.

Either way OP, if you’re unhappy and being bullied then I’d look to leave. Sadly IME that’s the only way these situations can be resolved to the victim’s satisfaction.

That's really awful, I'm sorry to hear it.

I don't know what the solution is except to look for another job elsewhere. Unfortunately, you can't really force people to change their dynamics even if they're horrible and I suspect they'd still find ways to make you feel bad that don't technically break rules (eg chatting to each other but not talking to you unless they have to). Without wishing to sound flippant, I wouldn't expect you to be invited along to any of their events, or for you to have any fun if you went.

I think you do just have to find another place to work. These cultures don't come out of nowhere so without excusing them, they're probably reacting to top-down rottenness. Good directors/leaders don't really create atmospheres like this.

Do you have any protected characteristics that make you different from them?

Age? Ethnicity? Sexuality? Religion? Disability?

Could be regarded as a form of bullying, though. And management being there is very bad form.

Apparently this has been tried at tribunal and the excluded employee won, with the judge saying the company had a duty of care to make sure she had the same socialising opportunities as other employees. I can't download the full judgement for some reason but summaries don't mention any discriminatory factor. Ms R Leher v Aspers (Stratford City) Ltd and Others

I'd love to know how a company can, in practice, force employees to invite everybody out in their personal time. Any employment lawyers here? If someone was disciplined for socialising with all of their team mates but one, could they not challenge that on the grounds that it's their personal time and their friends they're spending time with?

The judgement lists it as direct race and age discrimination.

The judgement also discusses salary etc.

Ah thanks Cola. I couldn't get into any of the docs.

IANAL but as I mentioned above, I imagine company / team size had something to do with it. The more people invited when only one is excluded, the harder it becomes to prove that the other 10/30/50 (or however many) are all just really really good friends and only number 11/31/51 is not. When you’re inviting a large group where the main / only thing some at least will have in common with everyone else is the place of work, how do you justify excluding the one other person who also works there?

Also, there may have been evidence of collusion to deliberately exclude the claimant (emails between colleagues saying “for God’s sake don’t let irritating Nancy know about Friday night” or similar).

I understand. What I'm curious about is under what grounds a company could interfere with an employee's social life outside of work hours in that way. Would it be a valid reason to fire someone (after two years' employment) and if so, under what category?

I actually should ask this elsewhere and not hijack the OP's thread with hypotheticals. Sorry OP and I wish you quick success in finding a much nicer workplace.

Some quotes from the employment judge included in this write-up:
Aspers casino cashier excluded by colleagues wins £75k payout (personneltoday.com)
“The occasion was sufficiently linked to work by the fact that it was amongst work colleagues and was discussed about at work and would provide the opportunity for team bonding.”

Also intrigued as to what should be expected? Hr to forbid staff having certain out of work events? Getting to control the guest list for these? If Tallulah has always been a bitch to Jemima, can Jemima only have work colleagues at her wedding if she invites Tallulah?

Ah cross posted with @ItsNotRocketSalad

You need to ask questions and demand answers.

Sweetie, there are always clicky bitchy groups. Just ignore them, get on with your work and be thankful you don’t have to mix with them in your own time.

Been there! many years ago a colleague I had help settle into the section a few years before, had a big birthday. All in the dept and some other departments were invited but not me. No one said a word to me but they all went. I found out when one told me after the event. They thought it was unfair and I should be aware. I really wish I hadn’t been told. I cried on my way home and was upset I still feel that hurt all these years later. She was in a caring role and is still supposed to be caring. She hurt me deeply. When I hear her name I’m ashamed to say I feel sick even now 14 years later.

@SillyBilly1993
That's really interesting!
Would being excluded from a group what's app also count? Set up by head manager and someone else saying "everyone is on it"?

@ItsNotRocketSalad
You couldn’t really enforce it, but if a line manager or hr person asked the ‘ringleader’ what was going on they would likely explain it as a misunderstanding, as opposed ‘ I’m a bit of a twat and don’t like the op, you can’t make me ner ner na ner’.
Speaking to them is also marking their card and should be enough to get them to at least make a pretence at civility.
It’s also good to get it out in the open, bullies thrive when victims are too afraid to speak out and it’s empowering for a victim to stand up for themselves.

@Onionbhajisandwich

Definitely look to move on, I agree with others that this is rotten to the core and they are not your people.
Move on with dignity.

@Superhair but could HR say 'you can't socialise with colleagues unless we approve guest list'?

@ErniesGhostlyGoldTops

That's hilarious and so true.
That's also a liberating and good stragety op.
I've also had to do that, I'm constantly searching out little places to sit and be on my own when a particular combination of people are in the office.

But there are not many places to hide.

Could HR say 'you can't socialise with colleagues unless we approve guest list'?

No, but they would be interested in any kind of pattern of exclusionary behaviour that would be indicative of a power imbalance affecting work and work treatment. And unless the social stuff was an oversight (unlikely), there may well be a pattern that an employee made to feel excluded would be able to show evidence of. It doesn't take much. Herd mentality against 1 person is usually a situation that opens the door to a power imbalance and if power is involved (even symbolically such as the role of the manager being part of the herd), then probably, the line is crossed.