Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

YANBU to feel hurt but it’s their prerogative to have a night out with each other if they want.

You obviously don’t fit their social dynamic, but as long as you all maintain a professional relationship at work, you shouldn’t think about leaving.

This.

But yes I'd be unhappy too and would look for a fresh start somewhere else.

You would think the mamager would see how nasty it is and make a point of inviting/not going to avoid being 'a part of the problem'.

It is bullying and it is a cause for concern. OP is the only one who can decide if it's time to go or if they have the energy to fight.

Personally, I would write to the manager and give them a time frame to deal with. People should never expect for things to be dealt with if only a conversation has happened. At least then, if it's writing, if you should leave you can cite being singled out as the reason for leaving. You could take it further if things escalated.

I am regularly the one left out at work, but it's because I'm the only one who can't do things on a whim (kids make it almost impossible). But my manager also never goes/isn't invited so I'm confident it's not done to single me out.

It's bullying by exclusion. Not something to leave over if you like the job otherwise. maybe have a chat with your Manager and see what you can do to resolve the difficulties you mention having with some colleagues, try and rectify if possible.

Could you not detach and go grey rock and just see it as a way of earning income? I have had to do that at a workplace once and after six weeks or so, I found it strangely liberating.

Sitting in my car listening to a podcast at lunch instead of listening to Doreen from accounts moaning about her corns was like coming out of jail.

But you didn't mention workplace bullying at all in your OP, OP, otherwise you would have had different responses - what is happening in your actual workplace on a regular basis?

I'll admit I'm mystified that you're upset that you weren't invited to this after-work social event. Why on earth would you want to socialise after work with your bullies?

I popped round to a work colleague’s house with a gift for her 50th. Her daughter answered the door with a smile, ‘come on in, out to the deck’. Out to the deck I went to find all our work colleagues plus one friend, sat in a circle. Table laden with food. Awkward!! I was offered a seat , stayed about an hour and left before the food was uncovered. Turned out it was a surprise, I wasn’t on the guest list, she didn’t get a say in who was invited 😩

Really odd responses on here. People trying to justify their own mean girl tendencies?

This is exclusion and you should report it, this is basic level HR, by nature of it being all colleagues, its a work event, its not a random social.

But yes, I would also leave.

@OlizraWiteomQua

If I was in a work place where everyone secretly went out as friends, and I was the only one left out - I wouldn't be able to do my job, actually. I'd feel too depressed and rejected.

I think you should consider changing jobs OP if this is going to be ongoing occurrence. Having good work mates changes everything. x

Thats horrible. It makes you feel like you never left high school. I would grey rock the situation as others have suggested. You don’t have to be friends with the people you work with. I wouldn’t go to HR, if you decide to leave I would tell them why in your exit interview. Try to look at the situation in a positive way. Unless you want to stay there and move up the ladder, you can just do your job. You don’t need to go above and beyond. It doesn’t matter if anyone gets upset, you can walk out the door on time. Maybe take a little pleasure in knowing someone else will have to pick up the slack.

We have lots of policies that support people outside of work, from financial to medical help and counselling. I can’t see why this sort of scenario is any different.
I think workplaces should be involved as it’s going to affect them ultimately; people leaving for being excluded, increased stress, uncomfortable working conditions etc.

There doesn’t have to be a specific set of rules but a policy that states the workplace is inclusive and all team members should be respected. That way people can go out with their friends but there’s recourse if the out of hours teambuilding is excluding others.

This is an awful situation. I feel for you.
Those suggesting HR have zero understanding of HR. This is not a HR issue, but still awful for you.
I would start looking for something else.

No you don't need to leave.

I would make them fully aware you know and ask if it was nice and see what happens next time they have a meal out.

You could go to HR but if in their own time not sure there is much they can do really

The after-hours socialising isn't a HR issue. The fact that the OP mentions in a subsequent post that she's being bullied in the workplace on a regular basis by colleagues is certainly a HR issue.

Ah that is awful. It happened to me in my last workplace by one woman who didn’t like the fact that I was closer to my friend than she was. She wanted a best buddy and set her sights on my friend. I found out she had arranged a night for all ‘the girls’ to go and see Mamma Mia and have dinner. I was the only female left out of the invite. I wasn’t actually bothered to be fair. I mentioned it to my friend and she said ‘oh yeah I got invited to that but I patched that shitfest. I’d rather gouge my eyes out.’

Ignore the advice to go to HR or make any comments about it to them. That will just make you more unliked.

Go into work and be polite. Don't mention it. You're not there to socialise.

But the OP says it's more than not being invited to an after-work dinner, she says she's being bullied in the workplace regularly. Though I don't understand why she's in fact visibly upset at not being invited out after work by her bullies, you seem to be suggesting that a victim of actual workplace bullying should just grin and bear it, because taking action will 'just make you more unliked'?

@Screwballs I like you! You spoke my mind.

This might be considered bullying so I would suggest you speak to a union representative and see what portions they suggest , then go from there

This.

I feel I need a new handbook for life rather than 'Get on with your own life, focus on your family, do no harm, take no shit'.
There's so many threads just now with people expecting others to fully focus on them, here with the 'get HR formally involved for personal social events' and another one where women are 'cunts and bitches' for talking for a brief <10mins at the school gate to people they know!

Sounds like you’re having a difficult time with them. Work on your relationships in work and you may be included again. Complaining will get you no where, they e excluded you because they either don’t like you or don’t want drama at a social event.

It depends:

• If this was a team bonding event or something organised to reward the team for their work and you are the only staff member excluded then you have a point
• If this was simply a group of friend meeting in their own time, then you don't have a case.

I would say that it is probably time to look at alternative roles as you don't want to stay in that kind of atmosphere long term or it will start to really affect you.

Write down all the instances of bullying / exclusion that have happened, include being the only female excluded from this social occasion (presumably arranged somehow during work hours / using company emails / phones).

Check your sickness policy and what allowance you have left, I'd seriously consider getting signed off, working in this atmosphere is no good for your mental health and any sick pay they fund can give you breathing space while you look for another job.

Once you have your gp note send it via email to your manager and whoever deals with HR matters in cc, along with your note on every instance of bullying which has led to you being signed off for your mental health. Say you are raising it as a formal grievance.

Then while they panic /deal with the grievance pop along to citizens advice and see if you have a case for constructive dismissal (you potentially do if your employer has allowed ppl to bully you and you have raised it before).

And yes just look for another job in the meantime, life is too short to work with horrible people, you owe the company nothing, make them squirm while you make plans for your future.

I worked at a company that had a bullying policy that included excluding team members from social events.
I would have an informal chat with HR