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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from work event

274 replies

Onionbhajisandwich · 27/09/2023 15:46

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 17:57

All I can say is it might not be a case of you being unpopular, it may just be one person who you haven't gelled with, and on this occasion they have influenced the others. It's not great behaviour and I understand why you are hurt YANBU.

dizzyupthegirl86 · 27/09/2023 18:28

Ffsnotaconference · 27/09/2023 16:35

You can go down the route of a complaint.

However, it’s not going to make anything better. People won’t suddenly enjoy your company.

I would be interested to know why they have all of a sudden excluded you, why you have found getting on with them in the last year a challenge. But I would love to know their POV on it.

Not saying this is the case for the OP, but at a place I used to work, there were 5 women, we all used to do some social things together. One of them got a promotion to assistant manager, and we suddenly found that the manager suddenly knew an awful lot of things about our personal lives (which he’d use against us), that we certainly didn’t tell him. It got to the point where we’d do some social things with all of us, but we’d also do some things without her, mainly ones where we’d want to have a drink and not have to worry about what was said. We didn’t fully exclude her from everything we did, but there were definitely times we planned stuff for dates we knew she couldn’t do. Maybe that made us horrible, I’m not sure - but you can’t force people to socialise outside of work hours.

OP, someone else had already suggested maybe there’s one you don’t gel with. Would you have wanted to go, if they’ve been so horrible to you in the workplace? And if you do, maybe you could suggest arranging a similar event? If nothing else, it shows you as being the bigger person.

JudgeJ · 27/09/2023 18:31

AuntieDolly · 27/09/2023 16:03

I'd be complaining to HR personally

Why should HR get involved in a non-work problem? Surely they don't have to approve of who is invited on a social event? Seems to be a childish thing to do, 'telling the teacher'.

JudgeJ · 27/09/2023 18:34

Sunsetred · 27/09/2023 16:40

I had some recent workplace training on bullying and harassment and this exact same scenario was given as an example of bullying. It doesn't matter that it was not a work event. It's considered work place bullying. I hope your ok OP.

If this is considered to be 'bullying' then it's a pathetic ruling, we should all be free to have a private social life. Does this mean that any party etc has to have HR approval of the guest list, that a person isn't allowed to dislike someone who works in the same place?

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2023 18:35

Onionbhajisandwich · 27/09/2023 17:09

It was a social event. I guess everyone is right - not my business I suppose. Still hurts though. The bullying has been relentless this last 12 months and this feels like the last straw. I can’t imagine making someone feel how I’ve felt today on purpose. Maybe that’s why I’m not a good fit in the workplace anymore.

So what form has the bullying taken? This is what needs taking up with HR

Is there anyone there you are friends with?

lap90 · 27/09/2023 18:39

Not invited to dinner with your bullies?
Sounds like you didn't miss much!

Jl2014 · 27/09/2023 18:39

It’s workplace exclusion and very irresponsible of the manager to partake. It may be worth complaining but I don’t think they’ll start inviting you. I would reflect on what has happened to get it to this point and try to be honest with yourself about it.

I would be very hurt too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2023 18:41

Have you spoken to HR about the bullying? I hope you find a better job soon.

Cherrysoup · 27/09/2023 18:51

BranchGold · 27/09/2023 16:41

I’d imagine it’s because she isn’t popular with the group of people who chose to socialise together.

It’s not pleasant for the op, but I don’t think it’s rude or out of order not to enjoy someone’s company.

‘Putting them on the spot’ won’t really make them squirm, it will just highlight awareness. Would you have wanted a pity invite?

Show quote history

I didn't say she should make the organiser squirm, now, did I? I'd rather go straight to the source, get a hopefully truthful answer and find out, even if it's hard to hear.

SlightlyJaded · 27/09/2023 18:52

I've started to speak my mind lately.

I wouldn't bother with the group, but I would speak to the manager frankly and say something like "I know it was a social and therefore I have no grounds to actually complain, but you and I both know it was spiteful and unkind to exclude one colleague and I'm surprised you thought it was professional to keep a work social event secret from me. For the record, I was upset."

sunnyseed · 27/09/2023 18:52

OlizraWiteomQua · 27/09/2023 16:33

It wasn't a work event though was it? It was a social gathering among a group of "friends who are also colleagues"/"colleagues who are also friends" and they aren't obliged to be friends with you. If it was in work time, or work paid for it, or work discussions and decisions were made there that you should have been included in then ywnbu but it doesn't sound like this is an issue.

Be a grownup professional and expect the same of your colleagues. Get the job done and focus on doing a good job. If any of your colleagues actions are actually detrimental to your ability to do the job effectively then yes you should complain. Otherwise not. Your hurt feelings and friendship opportunities are not your colleagues responsibility.

Are you serious? I bet most people would be upset if this happened to them. It’s obvious the OP was deliberately excluded from this event and they have to now work with people who have been found out for their apparent dislike of her.

Springduckling · 27/09/2023 18:53

According to a diversity course I did recently excluding someone from a social event is victimisation.

Fistralstorm · 27/09/2023 18:55

Leave op. This will never resolve and theyll treat you like the odd one out

Bullying is horrid 😔

You need a fresh start

saythatagaintome · 27/09/2023 18:56

OP, I’m really sorry you have experienced this.

People can be so mean ;( Intentionally excluding one person and all being on the some
page to keep it hush hush is hard work and very weak and pathetic of them.

Instead of trying to get to know you better, and seeing how they can improve relationships within the workplace, they team up to exclude. Sad

MrsMiagi · 27/09/2023 19:00

Springduckling · 27/09/2023 18:53

According to a diversity course I did recently excluding someone from a social event is victimisation.

That's if you exclude them directly because of a protected characteristic.
You don't have to invite your whole workplace to an event in case someone feels victimised. That's outrageous

sunnyseed · 27/09/2023 19:01

saythatagaintome · 27/09/2023 18:56

OP, I’m really sorry you have experienced this.

People can be so mean ;( Intentionally excluding one person and all being on the some
page to keep it hush hush is hard work and very weak and pathetic of them.

Instead of trying to get to know you better, and seeing how they can improve relationships within the workplace, they team up to exclude. Sad

Agreed, it is mean and childish. It happened to someone in the same team as me many years ago. I was invited but asked not to mention anything to the colleague they wanted to exclude. I refused to go. They made her feel like shit and ended up leaving.

jackwell · 27/09/2023 19:09

I'm so sorry to hear that you were excluded from the dinner with your female colleagues, especially considering the long working relationship you've had with them. Feeling hurt in such a situation is entirely understandable, and it's natural to question your current work situation.
It's important to communicate your feelings and concerns with your colleagues and management. There might be various reasons behind your exclusion, and addressing them through open and honest dialogue can be a first step towards resolving any misunderstandings or conflicts.
Leaving your job should be a decision made after careful consideration of all factors, including your overall job satisfaction, career goals, and the opportunities available to you. If you find that the workplace has become consistently challenging due to difficult personalities and if it's impacting your well-being, it might be worth exploring other career options or discussing potential changes with your employer.
Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave should align with your personal and professional goals. It's essential to prioritize your happiness and well-being in any work environment.

Springduckling · 27/09/2023 19:10

MrsMiagi · 27/09/2023 19:00

That's if you exclude them directly because of a protected characteristic.
You don't have to invite your whole workplace to an event in case someone feels victimised. That's outrageous

Show quote history

But she was the only one excluded.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 27/09/2023 19:11

How many went out for the event? Was it to celebrate somebody’s birthday or similar?

easylikeasundaymorn · 27/09/2023 19:11

cardibach · 27/09/2023 16:07

It’s not nice of them, no. Was it a work event, though, or a social event that happened to be with work colleagues? I’ve always had lots of work friends (despite Mn generally thinking this is weird) and have done meals out with them - I didn’t invite colleagues who weren’t my friends, but I wasn’t ‘excluding them from a work event’ I was going out with mates.

I agree that MN is weird about work friends, and have also had very close friends from work that I would do things with and not invite the whole office, which MN apparently considers to be "Bullying" or "cliquey" - i.e. go on a night out and even on holiday with/have a private whatsapp group/go for lunch together, etc.
I thought and still think all of that is fine, because I considered these people friends that I happened to have met via work, rather than colleagues I was friendly with.

However I think the key thing here is if every single other female member of staff was invited and not OP, that's when it gets a bit dodge. It's normal for smaller groups of people who click to form out of a large one, but I've never had a friend group (whether made from work/shared hobby/school etc. that has consisted of every person except 1 from the [whatever way we know each other]).

KrisAkabusi · 27/09/2023 19:14

Springduckling · 27/09/2023 19:10

But she was the only one excluded.

Show quote history

She was the only one excluded from the female colleagues. She didn't say how many men were left out. If they are the only people in the office, then it could be construed as a work event, and therefore bullying. But she specifically said female, which implies there are others. If only one man, then possibly still a case. But if thirty men were left behind it would be hard to argue that it was anything other than a group of friends getting together. The details are important, and we don't have enough to be sure.

LlynTegid · 27/09/2023 19:17

Excluding people from events can be seen as bullying or some form of harassment. The manager by being complicit seems to be the one about whom any complaint should be made.

If they had good reason to know you don't go to such events, which could be the case for some, still should be asking.

Robbiesraft · 27/09/2023 19:21

Bastards. That's bullying.

Keep a record of every incident of bullying that happens in work time from now on. When you fill a page, take it to your Managers. Join a Union, then look for a better job. Mark it down to experience.

Spend the money you saved on a crap night out with them on a round or three of drinks down the pub.

Bastards.

Stroopwaffels · 27/09/2023 19:22

Why do people think HR is some sort of catch-all complaints department, or moaning shop, or place where all employees can go if they are unhappy about anything which happens outside work ours.

Yes it sucks to be left out, but it is not the job of HR to sort it out.

itsmyp4rty · 27/09/2023 19:23

If I'd 'found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge' then I don't think I'd be surprised or upset if they went out without me. Why would they invite someone they don't get on with to go out with them outside work? And why would you want to be invited?

Personally I think it sounds like a really miserable place to work - my colleagues are what make my job bearable - and I'd be looking for somewhere nicer and more friendly to work. You have to spend an awful lot of time with people you work with and even just one or two nasty people can really make it a miserable experience.

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