Excluded from work event

[Onionbhajisandwich]

Female colleagues all went out for dinner last night. I was the only one excluded. We’ve all worked together for a long time. This last year I’ve found work and relationships with some difficult personalities within my workplace a challenge.

I wasn’t supposed to know about the event. I found out by accident. A member of management was also there and also happy to keep me in the dark.

AIBU to be really hurt??

I need to leave don’t I?

I don't know if others feel this way but isn't it OK to just not like someone and not wanna be in their company? Why is that bullying? These 'characters' might not even dislike you, they just dont get on with you or take to your personality. At work to a degree we all have to get along but out of work surely not (or on my lunch break).
I've heard parents say this about their children, that for example 2 girls are bullying their child by not letting them join in a game, but neither are the other 25 kids offering to let your kid join in either. I think adults and children alike should be allowed to be friends with who they want....and not be forced to be friends with anyone.

That's really shit. I suppose it depends how much you like your job etc with whether you leave or not.

Exclusion is bullying, especially when something has been deliberately withheld from someone and if the majority of people are going including a manager then yes it is a work event.

but as the devil is in the details if its organized by the company management then id say its a work event, if however its an employee that has done the planning etc outside of work hours then invited different members of staff including some management, then id consider it a private event

especially if no company capital is being used on the event too.

I'd hazard a guess the social event was organised by one of the ring leaders of the bullying or someone close to them.

It shows some women don't evolve past teenage playground bullies.

It's easy enough to rise above it but it still smarts.

Thanks @miserablebitch not sure why so many posters think that because it was not a formal work event it's ok. It reads like she was the only female colleague not invited and that is exclusion and indicates bullying in the workplace. Some people need to think how they'd feel if the same thing happened to them!

I'm very sorry to hear you say, OP, that the bullying has been going on for a year - that's horrible, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. No one should!

You should check who deals with HR in your firm - it may be handled by someone or a section off-site, perhaps at the firm's head office - and then report all the incidents over the last year to them as a complaint. Get together as much evidence as you can to back up your case, and do use the links to the ACAS website given up-thread re bullying in the workplace to help you.
Is there a trade union in your firm? If so, approach them for support as well.

Of course, you may feel that your best option in the long run is to leave, but you should do this on your own terms, i.e when you've got another (hopefully better) job to go to!

All the very best, OP - hope you get a good resolution out of this.

the flip side is how well the op gets on with everyone which may explains the exclusion, not that it makes it right the team excluding the op.

@Mountaineer0009 I've seen this happen before because the excluded person doesn't fit in due to being from a different culture or because one person from the gang has an issue and the others just go along with that person.

thats the thing with group dynamics its like when watching big brother sometimes its omg

Some of the attitudes on this thread are eye opening. I directly manage one large team and line manage another large team. My own team is big enough that there are separate smaller friendship groups within in, but shall enough that we can all go out together. I would challenge the behaviour of the team if one person was deliberately left out of social events. I am the only exception to that- as their boss I don’t expect to be invited (although I always am).

The problem I have with this is that despite it being a “social” event, inevitably people will talk work, decisions can be made or influenced and some people’s views are left out of that. That’s unacceptable, hurtful and damaging.

I would challenge the behaviour of the team if one person was deliberately left out of social events.

Wow, then I would really question your judgement. A person's employer does not own them. The employer is not allowed to dictate who they employee socialises with outside of work hours. The employees are entitled to not want to spend time with a colleague outside of work, they are allowed to deliberately leave people out. It's absolutely amazing to me that anyone thinks an employer has the right to police a workers private life that doesn't break laws.

The problem I have with this is that despite it being a “social” event, inevitably people will talk work, decisions can be made or influenced and some people’s views are left out of that. That’s unacceptable, hurtful and damaging.

You genuinely believe you have the right to police this? These same people could have these types of conversations over the phone after work. You think you should be able to police that as well? How, exactly, will you do this? Bug their phones?

This was deliberate bullying. The OP has already stated that she has been finding some of the personalities difficult to navigate. This was a team decision to exclude her which is bullying

@Aquamarine1029 Of course your employer doesn't own you. It's nothing to do with that anyway. It might seem perfectly fine to you to deliberately exclude one person from a social event. However, if it happens repeatedly it is considered bullying. How would you feel if you were the only female colleague never invited to work social events?

I don't care what my female colleagues do after work. I do not wish to engage with colleagues at social events, I do not consider my colleagues to be my friends, and my sense of self-worth is not dependent on how they feel about me. In fact, how they feel about me is none of my business. We have a productive, pleasant work relationship and that's all I'm concerned with.

If the op is being bullied at work, she should address this with the company, but as she clearly stated, she accidentally found out about this social event after the fact. Her colleagues did not arrange this dinner in presence, taunting her, making her well aware she wasn't invited.

It might seem perfectly fine to you to deliberately exclude one person from a social event.

Because it is fine, by any definition. You are not required to be friends with work colleagues.

However, if it happens repeatedly it is considered bullying.

That's is not even remotely true. We can all never, ever choose to socialise with any of our work colleagues, and as long as we are not bullying them at work, it is not bullying.

@Aquamarine1029 you're extremely defensive about it not being work place bullying. I stated in an earlier post that it was the example given in bullying and harassment training as work place bullying. The training was given in a law firm...I assume their knowledge might be more correct than your opinion.

Nobody says it’s ‘ok’ as in not hurtful. Just that it’s possibly not a matter for HR/disciplinary action because it’s not a work event as such.

No, I terminated someone’s employment for workplace bullying, harassment and for trying to get the person fired. This person was an ass kisser and an absolute mean girl the moment I turned my back.

For crying out loud - what sort of a world are we living in when if work colleagues organise something in their own time and don't invite one staff member (and I'm sure there would have been a reason for this) it somehow becomes workplace bullying??? I couldn't care less if it happened to me because my life does not revolve around my work, or my colleagues. Honestly, the world has gone mad, and I'm so thankful I'm at the end of my working life rather than at the beginning. Some of the replies on this thread are just idiotic!

To invite every other female and leave 1 out is bullying. You could complain, ignore it or more jobs. But your feelings are completely valid

Because under the definition of work place bullying in my organisation’s HR handbook it says that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and could be classed as bullying. My team is large, if one person were excluded from an event, that is very deliberate. Lots of people meet as small groups/even bigger groups, but to deliberately not invite a single person when everyone else is invited is wrong.

I have absolutely no desire to police conversations. And, despite what you may think, I’m considered a very good and very flexible manager and my team is really happy.

Well you are quite right, four people going out definitely not bullying. But it reads like in OP’s case it is the 29 of 30 going out. Which regardless of how the evening was paid for, could be construed as bullying. If I were the manager in that team, or even of another team in the same organisation, I simply could not have gone along with it either.

If it's part of a wider issue of workplace bullying, there'll be other incidents that actually happened on work premises/in work hours, rather than policing social lives.

As I remember from our 'compliance' training, this kind of exclusion would be classed as bullying.