To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

I'd just say 'yes, that a wonderful idea DH. It'd be great if you could give me a copy when you've made it'.

He's asking for you to help him. Accept. It's not hard to make a list and put it on the fridge. It will help with continuity for your child as they start school if they have a similar routine each night with either parent.

eg. - Take snack for school pickup
-On arrival home offer water, read book, check book bag for messages. If book not changed then re-read it
-Talk about day, ask what they are doing tomorrow (in case she mentions that it's show and tell or similar)
-Have dinner/play games
-Get uniform ready for tomorrow. pack school bag (snack and water). Check weather forecast and whether they have PE the next day

weekly Check school newsletter/diary at start of week for anything special eg harvest festival, show and tell and remember it when needed!

Just write a checklist together.
It’s really more of a handover sheet since you used to do all the drop off and pick ups so he knows what you used to do with DD. So it is only sensible to give him the benefit of your expertise as it is all new to him.

I'd be tempted to write a very patronising check list!

I have left a few weary lists and instructions now I think about it. They helped DH realise was was bring ridiculous.

I struggled to explain the mental load at this stage too. DH would be like just tell me washing needs doing just tell me pots need washing just tell me ... he got there in the end.

I would do what he asked and write it. Not patronising just to the point. It'll serve its purpose anyway when he looks at it and realises how ridiculous he was to ask for Instructions on how to feed, wash, care got his own child.

Sometimes you have to give people efar they ask for to make then realise how unreasonable they're being

Good luck

He’s an adult. He can do his paid work without his wife writing him a checklist. For the good the child he chose to be responsible for he can do the basics of parenting without his wife writing him a checklist. No one wrote one for OP, she managed to work out what needs doing and then fucking do it. He should not need help. He’s an adult. He’s a parent. He’s currently being embarrassingly pathetic.

Add a few extra jobs he can do so you don't have to
Read book in school bag
Have a snack with DC
Hoover downstairs
Clean toilets
Hang out clothes from washing machine
Tidy DC room

I would ask him to write the first draft for you to go through together.

I completely agree to adding some extra jobs such as start making dinner!

Oh, so parents aren’t a team. They shouldn’t share knowledge with each other. Learn from each others mistakes. It’s figure it out on your own or you are pathetic.

Glad my DH isn’t like this. Whenever we start splitting something he used to always do, he gives me a tutorial and tips and vice versa.

Another one with the contrived helplessness. How on earth do they manage to hold down employment

💯

I would look at it as a handover - you used to do this job, now you are moving to a job share - so yeah, list the jobs, but at the same time I would tell him that if you ever come home to a urine soaked bag of clothes ever again, you won’t be able to bring yourself to fuck him for 12 months. Uselessness is v unattractive in a man. Just so, you know, it’s clear you aren’t his mum.

When DC1 was about 9 months old and I was despairing if something DH was doing with her, I reminded myself that I was at home all day, every day with her and was the expert. DH happened to have moved jobs just before DC1 was born. I wouldn't have expected to go into his office and take over his job and do it exactly as he did so why was I expecting him to be able to do just that?
DC1 is now a teen and I still have to remind myself of this sometimes before doing something which I'm expecting him to have just absorbed. It takes me minutes, makes life easier for him and, most importantly, makes the DC happier. There are plenty of areas in our lives where he will step in and help me out so why wouldn't I do the same for him.

Glad my DH isn’t like this. Whenever we start splitting something he used to always do, he gives me a tutorial and tips and vice versa.

I’d have a very dim view of any man who needed to be told to wash urine soaked clothes, and who sat on a computer game while his 5 year old entertained herself after a day at school. This is an adult man picking his child up from school, not brain surgery.

A tutorial for bringing your child home, feeding them and chatting. Jesus wept!

Jeez if you write that bloody list he will never use an iota of a brain cell ever again. He didn’t need a list to play COD or FIFA did he? 🙄

I would’ve given him a rocket up his arse, told him to sort the shoes and laundry out and given him an ultimatum to grow the fuck up. Useless prick. Don’t let your dd grow up in a house where she continues to see this as the blueprint for relationships.

2 words. Weaponized incompetence.

That's pathetic. As if 'check child and clothes and shoes for piss, and wash / dry if needed' and 'don't ignore your child' are on there. Has he never looked after her by himself before?

@TrailingLoellia
Oh, so parents aren’t a team. They shouldn’t share knowledge with each other. Learn from each others mistakes. It’s figure it out on your own or you are pathetic.

For genuine insider knowledge, like 'the dark-haired school receptionist is much more pragmatic than the blonde one' or 'the gate sticks, you have to push it just above the lock' - sure, work as a team.

But your bar is pretty low if you think someone should need the lowdown on washing urine-soaked clothes ASAP rather than leaving them to sweat in a bag while they play COD.

THIS, you do not need a 'handover' for parenting your own child, fgs. He needs to step up and it's not his wife's responsibility to teach him the absolute fucking basic caring responsibilities for a person he half created.

until DS was 4, I worked later hours than DH, so he always had to do the getting home routine. When it changed and I was home first, I struggled knowing what to do and in which order, so DH wrote me a list and put it on the fridge.

But not washing the pee soaked clothes / shoes / child is absolutely disgusting

I’d make the checklist with him, while seething quietly, and tell him it is a really important part of parenting that you are teaching your child these are done every day when you walk in the door and it sets them up for a successful life, so if he just can’t be bothered you will have a whole new view of his parenting and it isn’t a good one. But not tell him on the pickups. New rule is he does 10/10 or he checks the spreadsheet. Tell him each Sunday (if it changes weekly) to put the spreadsheet in his work diary, and if he’s not sure and can’t find it then assume he’s on duty for both drop off and pick up as you do not accept that he can’t manage a schedule.

has he researched cleaning wee soaked shoes? Poor child.

then I’d ask him what we should get at the shops. Whether we needed apples. Am I picking up dd today? Do we have any plans for the weekend? Because it is such a shitty role to have.

I would be making no checklist as it simply reinforcement of the helpless narrative.

Is he fully competent? Holds down a job? Then he can use common sense and cop the on. There is nothing sexy or desirable able an incompetent adult - yuck.

Those saying help, remind etc, really are your expectations that low?

Stop enabling them 😡🤬

Apparently so 🤯

This in spades.