To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

He is opting out of responsibility by saying he needs a check list. It’s called the mental load and all my mum friends say their husbands will do things if they are told exactly what to do.
https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Will the checklist include “spend time with your child and don’t go on your computer?”

Sorry, I think he is pathetic. Get him to write his own checklist & offer to go over it with him.

But why? Why on earth do you do this?

@TrailingLoellia you‘d need instructions for taking urine soaked clothes out of a plastic bag? It’s a good job you’re a team!

Oh that'd be a sarcastic list from me!

I don't HAVE a child and I know that I'd check child was not covered in piss or shit, was clean and dry, was offered drink/snack, bag checked for reading/notes home from school and any urgent laundry started on.

Surely this is basic 'looking after a child' stuff. I certainly know one does not rely on a small child for instruction on what to do or that somethings covered in piss, that is an adult job.

1/ Check this is your child.
2/Parent your child.
3/ When all childs needs are met, consider your own needs.

The trouble with a checklist is that he needs to be flexible and dynamic to respond to his daughter's actual needs on the day rather than the list that you draw up in advance. What happens if there is a note in the book bag saying they all need a potato in school tomorrow and there is nothing on the list about what happens if there is a note requesting a potato tomorrow? What if a parent asks if they both want to join a group going to the park that afternoon? Some of the things which happen after school are just not predictable. I guess the most important rule is to be child centred.

Having said that if you do have a checklist then I would treat it very much like a manager and trainee. He types it up, you fire off questions to help him think about what he needs to do and when. 'So when do you look in the bookbag?' 'What do you do with uniform when you get in?'. It would give you the ick but it reinforces that this is not just your mental load and it helps him to think in a more child-centric way. It also stops it just being your list. And yes make sure that preparing food is on there - not only preparing but also planning - if he is going to be cooking it then it needs to be something he can do without further instructions from you. He needs to be researching meals, how to cook them and making sure 'his' ingredients are in the house not in the shop.

Top tip - if your school still works on paper, have a pen in the bookbag, always check bookbag before you leave the school and so any consent forms etc can be returned straightaway, notes asking for potatoes mean you can get one on the way home etc.

He couldn't wait to get home and get on his computer.

He had NO intention of doing anything with his child (the ruse that he had 'no idea' what to do with urine soaked clothes was to just distract you from this).

So for starters every single time he asks about the schedule your answer is always “I don’t know. Have you checked the spreadsheet?” My OH used to essentially use me as the calendar when the kids were first born and it drove me mental so we set up a shared calendar. Initially he still asked me due to some combination of habit/laziness/not thinking. I decided I wasn’t arguing about it so did above and he now always checks the spreadsheet.
I don’t know about the rest but it’s not as if he missed sorting out the clothes because he was so caught up in something fun with DD & starting the dinner prep and forgot a job. He just did the absolute bare minimum because you told him to then reverted to doing exactly what he wanted assuming you’d sort everything when you got home. Maybe the answer is he’s had his 2 hours chill time while you were at work so you’ll have yours 6-8 and he can sort dinner and bedtime out?

If you need " telling " to wash piss out of your kids clothes and shoes you have bigger problems than a stupid list can possibly help with.

This is called strategic incompetence.

Do you think if she wet herself on his lap he'd sit in wet clothes til u came home to tell him to change and put a wash on?

Anyone genuinely this useless wouldn't have made it to adulthood. They'd have died of starvation or gotton hit by a bus after no one told them to look both ways crossing the road.

A list to tell someone to parent a child...ffs...not like we are born with any more of a clue abput how to parent than they are. Do you think babies come out clutching lists reminding us to change nappies or wipe snot off their noses? Somehow we manage. Amd we do it on our own all day while the dads are at work and we spent most the night awake with a baby glued to our boobs...

List my arse 🙄

Following on from my previous post, I'm interested in the responses to this. Do all of you who have referred to weaponised incompetence and so forth so absolutely everything in your home life and never ask your DH to do it as it's easier for him or avoid doing it yourself and leave it for your DH?
Our printer cartridge needed changing a couple of days ago. I could have got the instructions out and done it but, as DH usually does it and so knows how to do it. I left it for him to do. The blocks of salt in the water softener need replacing. Again, I'm leaving it for him, largely because I can't be bothered. As I write that, it's occurred to me that I think we also need to order more. I could Google the name of the company and order it but I'm leaving it for DH. I also have no idea where my DC's football fixtures are this weekend or what time as DH does everything football related so I removed myself from the WhatsApp group.

Yep, this.

I'd have said "well describe to me what a competent father would have done?" and made him work it out for himself.

For those who said to help him out here: who helped OP work it out? School (reading books etc) is new for her too.

He’s her father, not some random who has never met a child before!

Or OP could say "use the checklist I was given... OH WAIT THERE ISN'T ONE I had to work it out"

My OH and I do stuff like this too. So he does the school email and updating what we need to do from that and I do most of the clubs or he generally empties bins/does laundry and I generally cook meals for example. Splitting up life admin tasks like that where one of you is basically responsible for an area is very different to one of you doing nothing for 2 hours while being well aware (barring being entirely stupid) that there are a bunch of time sensitive jobs to complete that evening. I mean honestly washing is an OH thing and I still wouldn’t just leave a bag of wee soaked clothes on the floor for hours and bugger off to read my book. Similarly my OH wouldn’t just leave the kids to be hungry and to entertain themselves while tackled a crossword or whatever because I was going to be late back. He’d do something with them and sort some food out and do a bit of tidying with them so when I got in we had minimal stuff to do. I’d do same if I was at home.

100%

This whole "whatever happened to being a team?" is something I've seen a few places on here recently

"Whatever happened to the competent adult I married?" Is a more pertinent question.

I got my arse handed to me on another thread for not fixing my DH's problems and letting him feel the consequences of his own failure to plan to the point he realised he needed to duh! plan ahead and be an adult and engage in home life planning. Apparently that means my marriage is an unhappy shambles... Vs reality where it's much improved because my DH is doing his fair share and isn't another manchild for me to manage.

Agree he needs to write the first draft.
Fascinated to see the level of detailing since he thinks leaving piss soaked clothes and shoes scattered around the hall is 👌 a-okay

I'm embarrassed for him

Explain to me why she is responsible for knowing this because the child has just started reception so neither parent has any experience of what is needed.

Could it be that only one parent is not a lazy idiot?

Does he have learning needs?

This is just pathetic and of course some people are trying to excuse it. OP's DH will just have to learn like DH did and she managed just fine without a list.

Does DH want you to wipe his arse too? He really needs to get a grip.

Just LTB and have done! Sounds like he can’t be arsed with your DC, which is very sad. He needs a checklist?! More like a lobotomy. Couldn’t be married to that.

Also no one is suggesting OPs other half should be doing everything (though I bet many would be if roles were reversed) but how is doing nothing and playing a game instead of behaving like a responsible adult being part of a team?

He sounds a right catch ! Playing computer games and not knowing where the washing machine is bet he never looked more attractive!

To all the people on here who have said they write their DP a list because that's how you be a supportive team: You are absolutely mugs. Bet your DP doesn't need someone else to make them a list for their hobbies, job, driving or household tasks that interest them. You are absolute mugs and you are teaching your children that men (because it's 99.9% of the time men) should expect to be handheld through basic domestic tasks despite magically holding down Big Jobs and Hobbies.

Totally this...

He is an adult, he manages at work, make him think and manage at home.

I would say to him, so what do you think should go on the list?

Do him a very comprehensive checklist so there is no opportunity to claim that an no-brainer activity isn't missed.

Write a second checklist for sex, first 2 items being:

1. Don't treat me like your mother
2. Incompetence is a turn off