To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

But it's hardly rocket science, is it? Some men just don't think at all because they expect their wives to think for them.

If a man is capable of thinking at work, he's capable of knowing that urine soaked clothes need to go in a washing machine without a list.

Making a list makes it easier for DH but it puts more mental load on OP which she doesn't need and absolutely shouldn't have to take on just because she has a vagina.

What a load of nonsense, 'he doesn't think the same way' fgs he just doesn't have bother engaging his little man brain because you treat him like a child and he doesn't have to

Men really have fooled us, haven't they.

This "he doesn't think in the same way" is utter bollocks.

That’s a poor excuse.

He would highly unlikely do the same things for himself yet, somehow doesn’t think the same for a young child.

If his shoes were wet, he would take them off. If he had an accident, had changed, the clothes would either go in the wash or the laundry bin. If he brought something home from work that needed to be done, he would do it. It is not rocket science.

It’s him choosing not to think outside of himself.

Oh what rubbish. If DH didn't know to wash clothes and shoes with wee on, I'd worry he'd had a bad knock to the head. It's just basic childcare.

There is no way that he did not know that he had to wash piss-soaked clothes.

He was just waiting for you to come and do it.

The checklist is deflection BS.

How does writing a list make it easier for OP? I expect she has a billion tasks on her plate already without writing really really basic-level instructions like “do something about piss-soaked school shoes”.

Your DH doesn’t think in the same way as you because you’ve trained him that you’ll do it all: to him, picking your DC up/taking him out means “wife will pack and prep and tell me what to do”. If you just left him to it, all it takes is one nappy explosion without a changing bag/one meltdown without a snack/one failure to have cash at the cash-only activity, and he figures out he needs to step up. It’s just easier for everyone if both parents parent.

OP, I love your checklist. Please do that! Failing that, listen to what @NuffSaidSam said…

There are lots of clock apps that you can download.

Get him to set up a recurring reminder on his phone on the days that he needs to do the pick ups. Set the reminder, 15 min or 30 mins etc (whatever suites him) before he needs to go.

Make sure that the reminder alarm will ring even if the phone is on silent/vibrate.

If you're taking on the mental load/manager role, he needs to do more of the gruntwork.

I'd tell him absolutely, yes, you'll do the checklist and manage school events and communications.

But in exchange he needs to do 7/10 school drop offs/pick ups, not 5/10.

So your clear and simple list involves:

you writing the list and I presume holding him to account
you still dealing with school letters etc
Only the laundry basket? Actual laundry a step too far?
Only ‘starting’ tea?

Jeez these men really get away with the strategic incompetence when it comes to domestics. They must laugh like drains to their mates at work how dumb women are... 🙄

He's admitted to you that he needs your help because you're better at organising certain things. If yoy ever need to ask him for help in future with something he's better at, would he belittle you and get annoyed or would he gladly help because you're his partner? This won't go down well but I honestly believe women are much better at cleaning/organising/life admin/school stuff/laundry etc and men are much better at DIY/car stuff/fixing shit/gardening/bills etc.

It won't go down well because it is outdated sexist nonsense that has no business in 2023.

A man not putting urine soaked clothes in the washing machine is pure laziness and nothing else.

OP isn't magically better at it because she has a vagina, she just isn't bone idle.

@Mrsjayy absolutely! Can you imagine a woman doing this????

As a single woman I manage to do everything on that list myself. And I'd be quite concerned if a woman couldn't sort out bills by herself.

No fully functioning adult should need telling to put dirty clothes in the washing machine. He knows full well how to do it, he's just lazy.

I wrote yanbu but actually when I went back to work I wrote him endless lists of what worked for me. It was maybe less obvious with babies but over the years as my work has increased the lists have naturally tailed off and he has naturally stepped up to the plate. We had three kids in 4 years so it's non trivial. Maybe see if you can talk it all through and give him a chance to improve before you get sarcy. Obviously if he doesn't do anything...

The problem is that those "wimmin's jobs" you have listed occur much more frequently and take up much more time than the "manly tasks" mentioned.

Result = huge imbalance of labour.

I'm better at cleaning, laundry, tidying, organising etc because I have a vagina. My husband is better at changing tyres, mowing the lawn, heavy lifting, decorating etc because he has a penis. He wouldn't have a clue how to turn a washing machine on because he will never need to. I wouldn't have a clue how to check the oil and washer fluid in my car because I'll never need to. So put the wet clothes in the washing machine, pour yourself a glass of wine and count your blessings x

Exactly and I was also doing the same list as a single woman except for gardening which I started after I married my DH and is something I enjoy along with landscaping.

There’s plenty of women out there doing diy, fixing their own s-t, and sorting their own bills.

Women being much better at life admin and organising is nonsense when men can somehow easily do such things at work and when single, yet it seemingly vanishes once they marry and/or have kids.

I honestly believe women are much better at cleaning/organising/life admin/school stuff/laundry etc and men are much better at DIY/car stuff/fixing shit/gardening/bills etc.

Urgh.

cleaning/organising/life admin/school stuff/laundry etc = socialisation and the patriarchy. It’s “women’s work” because we’re stuck with it as most of it is created by having children to care for. Men are quite capable, but they cannot be arsed/are sexist wankers.

DIY/car stuff/fixing shit/gardening/bills = occasional labour, most of which women have taken on uncomplainingly or men have outsourced.

He wouldn't have a clue how to turn a washing machine on because he will never need to. I wouldn't have a clue how to check the oil and washer fluid in my car because I'll never need to.

That’s socialisation not biology, obviously.

How do you know either of you will ever have to? Unfortunately, unexpected deaths or long term illnesses do happen.

Also, how do you explain men like my husband who are able to clean, organise and do the laundry yet most definitely still have a penis? As well as the women who can change tyres, decorating and mowing the lawn?

Utter nonsense.

YABU of course the majority of grown men will need a very detailed check-list on what tasks are to be carried out, which are common sense to most women.

A checklist is a good idea (I have ADHD and do forget things like wet clothes).

He needs to make it himself. Not ask you to do it for him (FFS).

He blamed his four-year-old for not telling him how to parent her?? Jeez.