To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

But this isn't even a routine problem.

How would a list of " school pick up at 3.10. Swimming starts at 4.00. Dinner is at 6. 7.00 not sure all lunch boxes are in the kitchen ready for washing up etc help when the " dh" seems to need more of a list of " make sure you take shoes off , check shoes for dog shit. Empty the litter tray. Answer phone of it rings. Check for packages in the porch. Put dirty clothes in the wash. Dont forget to breathe or you will pass out...

You cant " list/app" for stupid

But it's just common sense. Wet clothes = washing machine.

It isn't obstructive, it's refusing to manage a grown adult who is capable of thinking for himself. It's refusing to enable laziness.

It isn't obstructive, it's refusing to manage a grown adult who is capable of thinking for himself. It's refusing to enable laziness
This!

How low is the bar where a woman is branded obstructive if she doesn't spell out to her husband "IF THERE ARE WET CLOTHES SOAKED IN URINE THEY NEED WASHING. WASHING MEANS PUTTING THEM IN THE WASHING MACHINE. THIS IS WHICH POWDER YOU NEED. THIS IS HOW YOU WORK THE WASHING MACHINE."
or
"WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR CHILD AT HOME, DON'T SIT PLAYING ON YOUR GAMES. YOU HAVE A CHILD WHO REQUIRES PARENTING"

🤦‍♀️

I know.

Some women really don't help themselves.

@Whatwouldscullydo

Fair point.

What would anger me isn’t the bag of clothes needing to be put in the wash (I would roll my eyes and comment on it) is the fact he’s off playing video games leaving her to it after she’s been at school. She will be in bed soon enough so interacting with her is a no brainer.

In my experience dads find it easier to leave it to someone else.
I still get asked, as he looks into the dishwasher, 'is this clean or dirty?'

I really hope your response is ''are you serious?'' or ''How on earth do you survive at work?''.

giving direction around something he doesn’t usually do isn’t patronising. It’s recognising the other might need help to help. Doesn’t make him a shit dad or incompetent (unless it happens on repeat).

Who tells the mothers what to do then?

Obviously it's really difficult collecting a child, washing urine soaked clothes and choosing not to ignore your child because it's daddy playtime on his games, and poor dad needs telling what do you because he wouldn't be able to work it out for himself?

But the OP is meant to just know what to do. Because she's a woman? Because having a vagina gives her magic powers? Is there a special woman talent that means only they know how to work a washing machine?

I'm starting to think I need to return my husband. I must have got a faulty one. Somehow he does the school run, looks after DC, and makes dinner on the nights I'm working late. I don't leave him notes, instructions or a spreadsheet. Maybe he's caught the womaning.

It absolutely makes him incompetent. You don't need a list to know that wet clothes belong in the washing machine.

It's also absolutely shitty to blame the small child for his mistakes.

I'm not unable to pay bills, I work and pay my way, he is just better at dealing with the money side of things. I am unable to do the gardening because I'm a mardarse around wasps and spiders. I don't deal with my car or any DIY because I'm clueless, same as him with laundry and cleaning.

Does he empty dishwashers in order to survive at work?

In my experience dads find it easier to leave it to someone else.

^

No shit Sherlock

Out of interest, if you were in bed and heard someone breaking into your house downstairs would you deal with it yourself? Or would you wake your 'dh' up?

Are you a single mum?

I expect at work he can look at things and determine done/not done in a similar fashion to the dishwasher conundrum. With such literal takes, how do you survive at work?

You're choosing to be clueless though. You could learn these things but you're choosing not to. Lazy behaviour. What if one of you died? You'd need to learn quickly then.

And cleaning isn't rocket science, it's not something you have to learn how to do like changing a tyre. It doesn't take much brain work to turn on the hoover does it?

Beezknees
Agree with you.
There is a big difference between a couple allocating jobs fairly based on preferences/skills and a situation where one or both adults choose to remain incompetent.

My observation is that the jobs some men are "naturally" good at seem to be the low on time or less frequent jobs (eg paying the bills by setting up a direct debit, mowing the lawn, putting a flat pack together) whereas women seem to be "naturally" good at all the day to day domestic grunt work (like laundry, cooking, cleaning, raising the children). Funny that.

They have to think for themselves and not have someone think for them. It's amazing how they can do that at work but just 'don't think' at home.

What does that have to do with anything?

I'd call the police and have them deal with it. Both of us would stay upstairs.

You're choosing to be clueless though. You could learn these things but you're choosing not to. Lazy behaviour. What if one of you died? You'd need to learn quickly then.

This. There is little excuse when there are countless videos on how to do such things. I learned gardening, landscaping, diy, amongst other things by watching YouTube videos. Laundry and cleaning are basic tasks that about everyone should know regardless of gender. Many children do these basic tasks, there is little excuse for grown adults not to (barring disabilities).

Besides, pretty sure there are instructions on the boxes of laundry items that explain how to use them and to separate clothes. Even labels on clothing, sheets, towels, and other textiles tell you how to wash them. Are you saying your spouse is so clueless that he can’t read simple instructions or even sort clothes into piles by colours. Colour sorting is something we learn as toddlers.

surely the OP can just give him the checklist she was given? Oh wait no she can’t because no one gave her a fucking checklist, she worked it out on her own!

weaponised incompetence & laziness from DH

Can’t all be perfect all of the time 👍🏻

I had to sign up to reply to this thread.

It's ridiculous, I am an unmarried man without children . I do have nephews who I look after from time to time, there is no way on God's green earth I would need a checklist to wash my nephews clothes if they were soiled. Without too much detail things like this have happened, I got them cleaned up and dealt with the situation.

The reason I signed up to reply though is there is a deeper point here I sympathise with the OP and some the points here that are made are valid, but really the most important part here is the example it's sets the children, how can the OP or the children respect this behavior, he's clearly capable of a demanding job, he can quite easily deal with soiled clothes not only is it dishonest it's disrespectful.

No one’s perfect.

But we’re talking about the basics here, it isn’t hard and it doesn’t make someone who does it perfect. It just makes them someone who isn’t lazy.