To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

My checklist would just say don't be a lazy prick.
Who writes you a checklist?! I'm astounded by some of these responses, it's like a trad wife take over

This is a man who does a high powered job. He does not need a check list to look in her book bag, wash any dirty clothes and interact with his child. Perhaps tell him to write it himself like he might for work tasks if his memory is so poor.

Do the women who write their incompetent man babies lists still want to fuck them?

As he is home earlier had he also started getting the dinner ready.

Does he ever do laundry etc? What was his excuse for not cleaning the urine soaked clothes. Also depending on what she was wearing when she came home, I would be washing them too as they might be spare clothes from school that need returning.

God this is why i could never have married a gamer. The book is one thing but the wet clothes?? Thats just a complete failure to parent. How did he not notice?!

I’d be fucking raging if I’m honest.

Apologies I have misread. I see now that the clothes were not on the child but in a bag.

But my point still remains. He’s a pathetic man child. Fuck him and his checklist.

Then he can just blame you when he fails yet again because “it wasn’t on the checklist”

Quite. I assume it's another job on their to do list. I assume the men stick that one on the fridge: Please fuck me.

I've taken to messaging DH a list of tasks related to our reception starter dc. (Empty lunchbox, wash lunchbox etc etc) and I set tasks in our synched calendar - I'm returning to work and I'm still running the show behind the scenes at home ( you know - the uniform fairy, the magical food that appears spontaneously in the fridge, somehow the recycling walks itself out the door).

It's not a perfect solution but I'm knackered and without any alternative

Give me strength

I feel your pain op, I really do

And nothing more of a turn off than an incompetent man

Add a few extra jobs he can do so you don't have to

^

😂 well, if it's on the list

That's apparently all my DH can do. I had a go at him this morning for leaving the rest of the hamburgers out on the kitchen table for 'your lunch tomorrow' he said. I was asleep when he ate dinner, and he simply got up and walked away when finished eating his fill!

I pointed out that while I'm pregnant I don't think it's great to leave fresh cooked meat out all night in our warm kitchen for my lunch the next day.

He apparently had no idea that he should put them in the fridge.....

I walked into the kitchen for my morning coffee and what with morning sickness, the reek of hamburgers nearly made me vomit. I couldn't get in. So I woke him up to clear it away and explain listeria etc

The downside for him is I get up at 4am....

This is not a case of a simple handover of jobs! He left urine soaked clothes in the hallway for crying out loud! A child knows not to do that.

Well, he’s incompetent, but if you’re staying with him, I’d write a list and stick it to the fridge.

Yes, write the checklist.

1 - Grow up
2 - Parent your child
3 - Your immaturity is deeply unattractive

It really shouldn't need to be done I know, but just do the check list.

You'll need many more by the sounds of it and if he wants them, just give them.

Honestly, it will help in the long run....

Yes that takes the piss. It's pure laziness and thoughtlessness.

There are some things a parent might forget if they don't regularly do after school care, but it's basic common sense to empty school bags, put shoes and coats away and deal with wet or soiled uniform.

I would do a list only because it would benefit me if he sticks to it, but you shouldn't have to.

I would put it very clearly and simply

Take the kids a drink / snack to school or give something to when getting home
Empty bag/lunchboxes
Tidy away coats shoes and bags
Check for any letters from school and leave them out for me
Put any dirty uniform in the laundry basket
Start tea

If you have to manage him then he needs to do 6 or 7 of the 10 picks ups.

Its not fair that you have to half the work PLUS all the management tasks.

Once there is no longer an issue with compliance and quality control , perhaps you could move back to 5/10.

Who ARE you people who would pander to this nonsense??? Bet he doesn’t need a fucking wifey checklist at work.

raise the bar.

I would write a list of questions:

1. Why do you need a list?
2. What do you think should be on the list?
3. Why am I the keeper of the drop-off/pick-up schedule?
4. Are you able to access spreadsheets at work?
5. If yes, why not at home?
6. What do you think should happen to urine-soaked clothing?
7. How about urine-soaked shoes?
8. Do we own a shoe rack?
9. What do you think lives in a book bag? Clue’s in the name!
10. What might one be expected to do with the contents of a book bag?
11. Why are you blaming a five year old for not telling you her shoes are wet?
12. What snacks does our child usually like? Bonus points: who buys them, notices when they’ve run out and adds them to the list, and where are they kept?
13. What level did you get to on your game before I came home?
14. Why do you think I am the household manager, assigner of tasks, and list writer?

Relationship quizzes keep the magic alive! (But he does need to answer all of these questions and not wriggle out. He thinks you’re the grown-up, there to run the house, and his brain is free to daydream and chill and relax, because if there’s something to do, you can think about it. He’ll do it, of course, but please don’t sully his special brain time.)

No, this prince turns around and blames the child instead! What a loser.

In principle I wouldn't mind writing a checklist. But leaving wee covered clothes and shoes is just ridiculous! Skipping reading because they're playing together I could cope with, but not ignoring the kid while he plays games. He just isn't being a nice dad at all, and I'd feel hurt for DD; caring for her basic needs to make sure she's dry, warm, watered, fed, and hugged has to start to be his priority. A checklist to look at the book or set out clothes for tomorrow is fine, a checklist to do basic care should not be necessary.

I think I'd be tempted to write a sarcastic one along the lines

If there are wee soaked clothes wash them

If there are poo covered clothes wash them

If there are clothes dirtied via animal wee or poo wash them

If there are mud covered clothes wash them

Etc

I don't get it

Do they think we went on the "how to care for your child after school" seminar?

My partner is the same.

It basically gives off the message that this is women's work. Not his worry. Not his care

If he had picked up those shoes and put them away, he would have known they were wet

But presumably that's not his job.