To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

Trouble with a list is it won't be complete

I mean i am a great list writer and I would not have written / check shoes and dry if wet/ clean if dirty

And was the accident actually at school because most schools keep spare clothes for kids who have accidents

I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

This is where low tech wins. Forget the spreadsheet, sellotape a large timetable written in black marker pen to the fridge each Sunday, so he can't possibly miss it.

Ditto with the list of what he needs to do after school.

When he asks you who is scheduled to pickup DD, even though it’s written on the spreadsheet (which I assume he has access to), just say you don’t remember. My DH does this with timings of after school activities, which is all written on a planner in the kitchen. If I give it some thought, I can remember who has to be where at what time, but why should I stand there focussing on something so he doesn’t have to walk into the next room and look at the planner?

So now I just say, oh, I don’t know.

Leaving pissy clothes on the floor for you to deal with is just disrespectful.

Does he need a checklist to dress himself and go to the toilet? Of course he fucking doesn't. He also doesn't need one in order to work out what to do with a bag of urine-soaked clothes. This has nothing to do with teamwork, it's about being a functioning adult.

Don’t write a list I mean if not like anyone wrote you one. It’s coming in from School with his OWN child. Seems to me like he dumped everything down and went to game. That’s shit. He’s shit. Didn’t he even start dinner for his child at least?!

Only time I’d consider a list would be if DH was going a previously never done task eg: I always take DD to her dance classes. If DH needed to take her he’s cope but I’d leave list (or quick text or discussion on morning) because there are specific clothes she must wear which he wouldn’t necessarily know as he’s never done dance class. Her hair needs done a certain way and she needs specific shoes. There are also set instructions for going into the building and where parents are and aren’t allowed. He doesn’t know this so I’d help him. However, if we were sharing dance runs 50:50 from the start I wouldn’t. We’d learn together and not need to rely on just me.

The gaming would annoy me. Did he use to do that previously when you picked up DD from nursery? Like he’s use to coming in and having time to himself. He needs to get a grip.

I like your list. Give him that one. He can add to it himself. You can sit with him and make encouraging noises while he writes his own list, but why should you do it?

I would do a handover if it required specific knowledge e.g. for my DD where her dance shoes are as DP might not know. Put wet clothes in the wash and check the bag which he's had exactly the same instructions on from school is not that.

If I genuinely believed my DH was unable to check a calendar before booking something I'd have helped him out. We help each other with a lot of other things

But I cannot believe a man who...
-Can manage a team of 10
-Can manage his own work calendar
-Can plan and coordinate a 5 day off site for over 30 people...
needs assistance and support to check a joint calendar. And surprise! It turns out he doesnt he can do it just fine these days...

in the same way I cannot believe OPs husband doesn't know urine soaked clothes and shoes shouldn't be left strewn in a hall and needs a step by step guide.

This. Please don't write a list yourself, you're just reinforcing the narrative that dads aren't as competent parents as mums. You need to have an adult discussion together about what needs to happen after school. Organising / writing down the pick up and drops is a bit different as that's a shared task, I would need that myself.

A great example of weaponised incompetence.

I would ask him to write the checklist instead - it's good for them to think through what needs to be done and they're more likely to remember etc.

You have two DC unless he starts adulting.

He has a demanding job and therefore must be used to updating a work calendar (accessible on his phone?) Ask him to create and share a pickup calendar (with reminders set up) when he's created it.

We have a shared calendar that we go through every Sunday night (takes 5 mins) otherwise we'd descend into chaos!

The trouble with a checklist is that it either doesn't address all the variables, or it's so huge it won't work, won't get into his brain.

If child had accident, check bag for wet clothes and wash them (with other similar colour clothes from laundry basket)

Check bag for communications from school; if new information, add key events to our shared calendar

You have had plenty of time to get into the swing of this from nursery, it's new to him.

While I would struggle with frustration, brainstorm the list together. Maybe he will realise it's common sense and he was being a pillock.

I don't doubt I annoy my husband in many ways, but we do still parent as a team. A team comprises multiple players with a variety of skills. A football team with ten strikers and no defence would be pretty rubbish.

DH struggles with these sort of things and has been known to go the list route. But... there are a few basic differences between him and your DH that I think are crucial.

The first being that HE writes the list. He often asks me to look over the list to see if I have any thoughts or additions. But he does it first.

The second, and this one is crucial, he is able to use the list. A man who needs a spreadsheet for drops off but then can't find the spreadsheet.... argh. How bloody torturous. Having said that, at a practical level, we both use google calendars that are visible to each other, and the children's things go in whichever one of us is adding it to the calendar. My sister puts things in her diary and sends meeting invites to her DH. Then there's no bloody excuse for him not remembering he's on football duty that week or has to do the school run.

Def write a checklist together.

re pick ups and drop off send invites to each others’ work diaries. It’s what we do.

Would a list have helped with the urine soaked clothes or will your list need to be more like a flow chart to account for every possibility?

A fucking spreadsheet and he can't programme his phone with alerts to remind him, that's still your job. How the hell are you putting up with this shit?

Why aren't men embarrassed or ashamed about the pathetic excuses they make for failure to adult? They can't really believe that being born with a vagina means women are pre programmed to know how to do life.

Don't enable his laziness and incompetence. Tell him his pathetic failures at parenting make your vagina drier than the Gobi.

It absolutely pained me to do it as I feel he should have the cop on to know these things anyway but yes, a checklist is a good idea. It works for us and means less arguments and more importantly, DC's are taken care of (properly)

Absolutely write a checklist, look it's easy:

"DH To-Do List"

1. grow up
2. stop being a sexist and pathetic twat
3. use your brain
4. don't leave our daughter soaked in urine*
5. turn off the computer games and engage with your child, you're not 14.

*or any bodily fluid

He's asking for you to help him

No, he's abdicating any form of responsibility or thinking to OP. He is not a child and does not need infantilising, do you think he needs 'mummy' to write him a checklist at work?

Ffs, the bar some people have for men is so low it's ridiculous

Yes, this is the only form of checklist mine would be getting.

Jesus Christ, ask him if you’re the parent and he’s the babysitter or if you’re both parents. Ask what he’d do if you were in the hospital or worse? Would he drop your child off with his mother or an orphanage?

Tell him you don’t need a list because you’re a parent. If he needs a list he can make it his goddam self.

Oh, and if he hasn’t looked up “mental load” now is the time.

Write the list.

We adopted a 3 year old already in nursery and it took me a few weeks to get into the routine of doing what seems obvious to other parents.

It wasn't obvious to me.

Me, DH and newly arrived DS all had to hit the ground running and learn as we went along. Things like taking a small snack with me at pick-up time. Never entered my head, until I saw other mums producing a packet of raisins or a half a cereal bar. I learnt so much from watching and seeing what other parents did - but if I had been given a checklist beforehand it would have been great.

Its horrible knowing you should know, but not knowing anyway.

I'd be annoyed with him but write him a checklist and put in fridge just so he listened to DC read, got her out of uniform and into comfy clothes, played a game with DD instead of him gaming and she playing alone and don't forget to put polish shoes on Fridays. He could be packing her snack, water and getting clean uniform ready for tomorrow.

I feel your pain 💯. I would just do the list to avoid the back n forth. Men are just shitty

You are right - a grown man shouldn't need to be told to do those things. However, it seems that if you want those things done then you are going to have to list them for him. At least he has asked for a checklist, so if he doesn't do the things on it there is no excuse.

He's not my partner but judgimg by the tone of her post I'd say not, or she would have said, wouldn't she?

But there's a difference between not knowing a snack after school/nursery would be a good idea (I can honestly say most parents have that moment) and not thinking you should do something about a bag of wee soaked clothes. Even without the shoes it didn't occur to him they'd need a wash? That's just lazy