To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

Friend's DH is a CEO of a large company, managing thousands of people and multimillion pound projects. When friend left him home with their DC, he didn't feed the DC dinner as 'she hadn't told him to'. Mind, he ate dinner himself.

Write a list with a space for a star each day when he completes each one and if he does them all, he gets a lolly. If he doesn't want to be treated like a child he can fucking well stop acting like one.

Do all of you who have referred to weaponised incompetence and so forth so absolutely everything in your home life and never ask your DH to do

Of course not. Like you, I've removed myself from DS's basketball list, it's DH's responsibility. But if he was unavailable and I had to take DS to a game, no I would not need a list from DH that DS needs to be picked up as well and the sweaty game kit should be washed. That's the difference.

Really ??
Has anyone ever written you a list on how to look after your own child ?
This is outrageous.

If he’s that incompetent then he probably also needs a list of things she has to bring out from school ie water bottle, jumper, coat book bag. Otherwise you’ll find she hasn’t brought her coat home & he didn’t notice.

Personally, I would write the after school list of jobs, making sure it included enough to keep him busy until I got home. Eg hoover lounge, unload/load dishwasher etc

This might be enabling the learned incompetence etc but sometimes the pragmatic approach is easiest.

But he's not a fucking child!

You struggled to know how to parent your 4 year old? 😳

No; I struggled with the after school routine having not done it before: DH had done it every day so had it down to a fine art.

Exactly, the point is you should BOTH know how to do everything that needs doing for whatever circumstances may arise.

It's really not difficult. I don't see how someone can "struggle" with it. Being a lone parent since DS was 10 months I have little sympathy for people that can't figure out how to do basic day to day things without a list.

I don't understand. What did you not know how to do? After school is the same as any time coming into the house; shoes and coats off, put things away and wash hands. Then parent for a bit; supply food (snack and meal), supply drinks, play, reading etc. Then do bedtime. What's so special about it being after school that made you incompetent at doing it @Albioncreed ?

Of course not. Like you, I've removed myself from DS's basketball list, it's DH's responsibility. But if he was unavailable and I had to take DS to a game, no I would not need a list from DH that DS needs to be picked up as well and the sweaty game kit should be washed.
That's the difference.
This.

This isn't about one person preferring to clean kitchen whilst the other doesn't mind taking the children to Saturday morning sports, or one person taking responsibility for school communications whilst the other looks after the food shopping. They're all preferences around family life, but neither parent should need a list or step by step instructions in the event they do the other person's job.

This thread is about a parent who chooses to ignore their child and do nothing about urine soaked clothes because he has important gaming to to do.

Why people are so desperate to make excuses for it is beyond me.

Im so glad you don’t struggle with things like that: unfortunately I do. Especially when there is things like getting dinner ready, lunches made for the next day, emptying the dishwasher. So, lists really help me out.

I have to have lists for everything; cleaning the house, weekend chores, packing for holidays, packing for working in the office, tasks at work, other random family admin.

How did you get your husband / partner to write all these lists for you ?

What happens if you encounter something that’s not on the list ? eg if your list says “ clean child’s shoes if they have pee on them “ but it’s actually vomit or dog poo, what would you do?

Normally I write them myself…. But in this case my husband just wrote it for me and pinned it on the fridge. He was being kind.

i do have the common sense to clean a child who has had a toilet accident immediately though (and shove their clothes in the machine)

Does he managed to breath independently or do you need to stick this on the list too?

I've had serious relationships with 5 different men in my life and tho I didn't raise kids with all of them so can't swear to this, I would bet my life not one of them would have needed to be told to wash piss stained clothes or check a book bag. Yes, depending on the day and what had happened, they might not immediately get round to it as soon as they got home (I might not either with the book bag - would sort the piss clothes), but if they had claimed they needed a list to tell them it needed doing, they would for sure have been lying to avoid looking lazy, and to put the blame for what they hadn't done on me.

Nobody incapable of remembering to check a book bag and knowing piss stained clothes need to be washed, would be capable of holding down a job.

Those who are responding enthusiastically about his suggestion, do you have a tendency to like to be in control? I have met people (male and female) who like to micromanage their co-parents - the list idea would suit somebody like that I suppose....

Doesn't sound like OP wants to play those games, and fair play. Tell him to get a fucking grip, OP. I'm usually all about tolerance of personality differences and being forgiving and so on, but I am actually now feeling quite cross on your behalf!

Didn't your hall start to smell slightly of piss too? I'm no clean freak, but it's actually quite disgusting of him just to leave the clothes and shoes there like that.....

I think it’s ludicrous that people except anyone to start doing something he’s never really done - without direction. And I bet you even if he did it it would be wrong because it’s not her way.
it’s not way to go around being partners. If I don’t know how to manage finances my husband helps explain and break it down for me. Or if I have a problem with the car that I expect him to do it or show me how!

OP did it without any direction. Why can't her DH manage?

Also, there's a big difference between car issues and simply putting something that needs washing in the washing machine.

If someone has not changed oil before, yes list is appropriate. Or clear instructions for knitting a scarf. But cleaning up a child who has had an accident is not that kind of task. Any adult with 2 braincells can figure it out. If they want to.

Unfortunately this is common. I usually say in an annoyed way that I shouldn't have to tell him to be less selfish or grow up a bit. She's a little kid and can't deal with accidents etc. There may be a period of readjustment.

It's not ludicrous in the slightest to expect a grown man to know to put soiled clothes in the wash and feed his child without needing to be told. It's bloody common sense and instinct. Nothing like learning how to do something with the car, what a ridiculous comparison.