To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

But she can’t cover every eventuality! It wouldn’t occur to me to add “don’t leave piss-covered shoes in the hallway” to a list any more than it would occur I’d need to write a list in the first place. Even if she writes a list, he’s going to abdicate responsibility for anything not on it. “I didn’t know to say no the ice cream van on the way home, it’s not my fault she doesn’t want dinner now, it’s not on the list.” “I didn’t know to give her calpol when she emerges from school listless with a raging temperature, it wasn’t on the list.” “I didn’t put a plaster on her graze because I don’t know where you keep them [guarantee he’s a “where you keep them” sort], it’s not on the list.”

Yep because every woman is dying to shag a man they have to treat like a child.

Is he really that stupid not to know that pissy clothes need washing?

@pinkyredrose

💯

That's what would enrage me- obviously he knows that urine soaked clothes need washing. That he didn't then do it sends a very clear message that deep down he thinks all of this is actually OP's job - and he's just filling in until she can get back to do the bulk of it.

He is not being an equal parent, pounding away at his computer game while a bag full of soiled clothes awaits your return.

Surely she’d have needed a bath when she got in. Poor thing.

Im all for parents doing their own thing, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same as their other half but this is shit.

Yes I agree with this - I'd do the list but make it comprehensive with all the jobs you would do for the evening, I'd also add tick boxes and laminate it :)

Time for him to be on the team.

he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet

Staple a printout to his head.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It’s really helped me to think about a good solution and not just stew in my own resentment!

I wouldn’t see this as a “handover”, as we are both new to the school routine. I definitely agree that with some things where I have more experience (e.g. doing DD’s hair), I am more than happy to teach DH and help him to learn what to do. However he has been a parent for 4.5 years now, he knows better than to leave soiled clothes and shoes lying around.

Whilst I appreciate that it may be easier just to write the list, I want to create and equal and fair environment for DD to grow up in. (Smashing the patriarchy and all that) That also has to be balanced with her being cared for properly.

I’ve decided to tackle it in “corporate mode” as that seems to be a language DH can understand. I’m putting in a 1-month review meeting for the weekend, where we can discuss what has gone well/not so well and what needs to happen going forward. If he wants to write a list as an outcome of this meeting then he can.

Thanks again for all of you help x

On the days he picks DD up from school, I would be taking his playstation with me to work... Act like a child, be treated like a child.

These men are the worst.

He's asking for you to help him. Accept. It's not hard to make a list and put it on the fridge. It will help with continuity for your child as they start school if they have a similar routine each night with either parent.

Fuck no. DO NOT do this - he should be able to work out what to do and needs to be looking at and thinking about his childs needs, not entertaining himself. Ass.

No I wouldn’t be writing a list for my DH to parent his own child for 2 hours. Insane that some women subject themselves to this.

I work fewer hours than DH so do a bit more house-y and after school stuff than him. If that means that there's an occasion where I do have better knowledge/experience than him then of course I share it whether in a list or otherwise. I was away earlier in the year and I wrote a timetable of the after school pick ups and drops off that I normally do - that's fair enough. I might even have added a note on whether I take a snack. That's fair enough - it is like a handover of a job I normally do.

That is completely different than pretending you don't know how to do something because you can't be bothered. He's trying to make you the default parent OP - don't make the list! I was a SAHP for a long time and it was really hard not just keep assuming responsibility for everything. DC are much older now and I think things are pretty equal.

Write him the checklist and have a weekly meeting where you review what needs to happen that week (fees to be paid, parents nights to be attended, appointments to be booked) and divide that up too. When we were at the stage you are now I wasted lots of energy insisting that I wasn't going to project manage childcare - that it had to be a 50/50 split. Unfortunately I realised that without a bit of project management we were never going to get their. My DH is great is great at organising meals and getting dinner cooked. He is absolutely hopeless at keeping on top of emails and other communications or anticipating all the other things that come up in a kids day-to-day life.

I would do it together

😂😂

Yes, to this.

Men and their bloody toys.

Sometimes people don’t think in the same way. If my DH picks our son up or takes him out etc, I always say “take his bag I’ve packed, take a snack, make sure he has x,y,z”. Yes it’s annoying but he just doesn’t think in the same way as I do.

Making a list makes it easier for everyone right? Stop making a drama out of it.

My mum lived a life like yours until my dad died, leaving her a widow in her early 60s.

A very steep and painful learning curve followed. It turned out that all those years of leaving a good many things to dad had out a bit of a dent in her confidence and she needed a huge amount of hand holding as she turned her mind to getting quotes for house insurance, calling trades in to do simple things dad would have done for free, etc.

She remains astonished that I can wield drills and other hand tools, paint walls and ceilings, do cross country drives (in the US).

I don't recommend getting into this kind of a rut.

This is brilliant.

no answers op, if find the answer to the mental load conundrum you’ll make millions. It’s my biggest bugbear with my otherwise lovely husband and causes regular spats and the occasional divorce threat.

If no-one else has already suggested it, get a shared google calendar you can both view on your mobile phones. That way he should have immediate and easy access to who is doing which pick up if its not set days. He won't need to remember to check a timetable stick to a fridge door, if he's got his phone he can check it anytime and any place.

As for the checklist - writing and organising is my thing so I'd jump at the chance to do this. You could even have a checklist on a notes app you can both edit, or a photo or the one in the fridge door he has saved to his phone memory. Yes, he's infuriating but this can be solved really easily. Theres plenty of rest of working this work for you as a good family. Just promise me you'll be just a smidgen more patrinising than is necessary. 😉

Wow.

I can't believe people are suggesting to actually write a list. Bugger that.

Get him to make his own checklist as part of his first attempt to behave like a responsible parent who can use his common sense -- it doesn't require any initiative or insight to notice wet shoes/clothes and to grasp that school children have homework/reading books.

So if you brought home a bag of dirty wee'd on clothes, you'd leave them in the hallway on the floor until your DH told you where dirty washing goes??
Do your kids sit in the house in coats and shoes until the first time someone told you to get them to take them off?
Cos that's the level were talking.

I get he might not know how often to read the school book but that isn't the stuff that matters
The bit he's missing is the basic common sense stuff

Why is him stepping up not an alt?
Do you have dry lunch box and put lunch box away on that list too?

Sometimes people don’t think in the same way. If my DH picks our son up or takes him out etc, I always say “take his bag I’ve packed, take a snack, make sure he has x,y,z”. Yes it’s annoying but he just doesn’t think in the same way as I do.

Pardon my French, but that is fiddlesticks.

Your H doesn't think about the details of parenting because he doesn't have to.

He doesn't have to because he has outsourced the mental half of being a parent to the help.

Stand back and let your H and his child sink or swim. Let your mind be occupied by stuff you find energising, interesting, or fun, like I guarantee your husband does.

*TrailingLoellia
Oh, so parents aren’t a team. They shouldn’t share knowledge with each other. Learn from each others mistakes. It’s figure it out on your own or you are pathetic.

Glad my DH isn’t like this. Whenever we start splitting something he used to always do, he gives me a tutorial and tips and vice versa.*

But why should OP have more knowledge than her DH on something they have both just started doing? It's not like she's been doing it for years and he's just started

And if you needed a tutorial on something as basic as 'don't leave piss soaked clothes in the hallway and ignore your child while you play on your play station' I'd think there was something wrong with you.

Doing the bare minimum while you wait for mum to finish work and take over is certainly not being a team