To wish I’d had my kids the other way round

[Boyfirstthengirl]

I feel bad saying this but I am from a family where I’m the youngest and a girl/woman (obviously …) and I have an older brother. We get on well enough now and I do have nice memories of us together as kids, it isn’t all bad. But he was always so rough when we were young, would beat me up, call me names and so on.

To be honest I don’t think my parents dealt with it particularly well as they’d get angry with us both although to be fair to them I probably instigated some of it but my memory is selective!

Anyway, I have a boy who is 3 in January. I also have a baby daughter who is 3 months and history looks set to repeat itself … he hasn’t taken to her at all and tries to hurt her a lot. I am very worried about having horrible family dynamics. I want to manage this as best I can but struggling with DS - I can’t seem to get through to him, I know he’s jealous but I can’t think what else I can do.

I know I’ll get slated for this but everyone I know whose eldest child is a girl is excited and happy about the baby. I feel like she’s in a really vulnerable position growing up and I have to protect her but that’s also going to alienate my son

Don't judge your two year old baby yet - see how he is with her as he grows up. They might be great buddies. There's also absolutely no point or sense in wishing they'd magically time travelled in your womb so just get on with lovingly parenting both.

You’re projecting. I’m the eldest of a big family, and female, and I was two and a few months when my next sister was born. I hated her on sight, am baring my teeth at her in every photo, and once, famously, took her out of her cot when I was about three and she wasn’t walking you, and put her under a tree in the garden, apparently hoping a fairy would take her away.

We get on as adults…

I have a younger brother trust me it's exactly the same we near abouts killed each other growing up. I have 3 girls and my brother 2 boys and this still happens so I think it's just siblings and normal behaviour

He's just a baby himself really and has had a big change.
If it helps I'm the eldest of two girls and hated my sister. I didn't even acknowledge her until she was four or five. I was horrible to her until I moved out! Now we get on fine but I think you'll find a lot of siblings are like this

I’m anticipating this as i’m about to have a baby girl and a 3 year old boy. However:

I’d say your son is likely having issues now because of his age rather than his sex. 3 year olds will act like this sometimes, it’s a huge change for him and he will likely have recognised that he has not been able to get as much attention.

I’m an older sister to a younger brother by 2 years. Yes i was more nurturing to him when he was a baby, but as soon as he grew up a bit we would also physically fight. But we did also get on really well, play together lots and he is now my closest member of the family.

I’d try not to stress about it for now and try to ensure DS is getting lots of attention :)

I’d come down on your son like a ton of bricks - really go nuts - if he physically harms your DD. You can love him dearly and still lay down this law. You can also stop your DD from targeting him, as we all know that some younger and “weaker” siblings can be very provocative and sly. But you can still have this absolute no-touch rule.
You’ll be doing him a favour in the long run. I hear so many stories of younger siblings who hated their older DB growing up. And the adult DB is sometimes bewildered by their hatred and the distance that’s grown between them as no one ever told him he was doing anything wrong.

Yabu to use your personal example and apply it to all boys and girls.

Yanbu to worry about sibling rivalry and dc1 being too physical with dc2. The latter happens when dc1 is a girl too.

Now that you have 2 kids, do you feel like your parents had a difficult task and did their best ? Or were they negligent and didn't even try?

I am dc1 and dc2 was also a girl. In newborn photos of dc2 I am always looking angry, pissed off or crying. (We have 2.5 year difference) I have a much bigger difference with my brothers and am normal in those photos. I read a saying on here that to avoid sibling rivalry you should go for a gap of less than 18 months or over 5 years. I don't know how true that is.

Gaining a sibling is apparently as big as a shock as your spouse bringing home a second wife. Have some patience with dc1 and help him deal with his feelings and it will hopefully get better sooner rather than later. 💐

@Coughingdodger yeah I’ve tried that … this is what I mean when I say nothing gets through to him. I think I probably need to be more consistent as am trying different things that don’t work but hard to know what to stick to when nothing works

I appreciate the replies, you’re right and I’m projecting. I just know the older girls / baby sibling dynamics seem a tad gentler - and I also think even when they’re not if you have say a 12 yo boy and 10 yo girl she’s more vulnerable than a 12 yo girl and 10yo boy even if she is the violent one!

Absolutely you're projecting. Whether a person is a boy or a girl is such a small part of who they are. Your boy is not your brother and you're not going to bring him up as your brother was brought up.

I think things are just different now. I was brought up similarly to as you describe. My brother was younger but still a lot rougher than me, we would physically fight and my parents would basically leave us to get on with it or maybe smack our bottoms if it got out of hand. That's not how most kids grow up these days. We had some one way biting and pain inflicted by my autistic DC to the other one when he small, but past age 4 or so they have never fought, and get on great. If your own children show a behaviour you don't like then you don't allow it and it never gets normalised. With your strong feelings and you in charge of setting the boundaries, your daughter will be absolutely fine.

If your eldest "needs" rough and tumble then you don't need to just leave him to inflict it on his sister. You can do that sort of play with him yourself and teach him how to do it safely.

This has absolutely nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the children's personality and the environment you foster as the parent.

I’m older than my brothers and we still used to fight, even as adults we have been known to headlock eachother 😂 it’s siblings. They’ll be fine xx

I have a boy (eldest) and girl and it’s not like that with them at all. They argue but have rarely ever been rough…usually it was my younger child (my daughter!) who could be tougher when they were little! So I think you’re projecting a bit.

Your son is still so little and he tries to hurt your DD - he is probably jealous and that’s normal. Personally I came down on my two like a tonne of bricks when it came to getting physical - as I said before, not very often at all - so I think just being vigilant and consistent in dealing with it will pay off.

I have a boy and a girl with a 3 yr age gap. They absolutely love each other, and DS is very protective over his younger sister. I love their relationship, they miss each other when they are apart and often end the day cuddled up on the sofa together. They are much closer than I ever was with my dbro (younger than me).

As others have said, you are projecting. Your relationships are not their relationships. Try not to worry!

I think there are many positives to the older-brother, younger-sister dynamic, just as there are many positives to the older sister-younger brother dynamic. In particular, it avoids the older sister being shoehorned into a "carer" role for younger siblings.

Like many things, it depends on personalities and parental influence. The small age gap probably makes it tougher too.

I’m sorry to hear about your family dynamic growing up.

It feels like you have two separate issues here. The first is processing your brothers behaviour and the way your parents dealt with that. The second issue is that your two year old is struggling with the huge change of having a new sibling. For the sake of both your children, you need to deal with these two issues separately.

You say your son tries to hurt your dd a lot? Is it okay to ask what you mean by that?

I would urge you not to follow the pp’s advice to ‘go nuts’ at your two year old. There are lots of ways to deal with this behaviour that will be far less damaging for your whole family.

He hurts her by pinching her, he also pretends to be affectionate to her by trying to hug her but then putting all his weight on her, kicking her. I’d also be interested to know what ‘like a tonne of bricks’ actually looks like, as I think I have but it’s had zero effect.

Repeating what others have said re you projecting and you can foster a very different environment in your home now than you had growing up. I would recommend getting a copy of the sibling book from the how to talk series and reading and re reading it!

Also, having grown up with an older brother and now having a daughter as the oldest child, the big advantage of having a boy as your oldest is that girls tend to mature more quickly so they’re more likely to be equal playmates as they get older.

Also you don’t really want to come down like a ton of bricks on a preschooler. You want to give them absolute and total reassurance that they are just as loved and valued as they ever were, despite this miniature interloper arriving in their home.

My older child is a boy. 3 year age gap and has always been very gentle with his younger sibling; it’s just his nature. Of course be firm with the older child about being gentle with baby, but are you also following parenting guidance (I know there are books out there!) about how to introduce an older sibling to a baby? Lots of love and attention for older sibling etc etc

Yanbu to feel how you do.

Im just like you, older brother who bullied me and then me.

Im having a girl in January our first baby and I’m so relieved it’s a girl just because of the trauma I faced growing up from my brother. My parents just ignored it and were completely oblivious to it and it’s caused me a lot of problems now in adulthood.

So I completely get what you’re saying and it’s completely valid. But that said you have an older boy and a girl and I’m sure you can prevent a repeat of your own childhood as you’re so aware of it. Your eldest is probably still adjusting to baby girl being here and I’m sure with a bit more time he’ll be a loving elder brother.

He's 2. It is on you to foster and nurture their relationship.
If he sees you constantly fussing over the baby, giving her more attention, only telling him off then he will naturally get jealous. It is normal toddler behaviour.

You make it clear that the nipping/ squashing isn't acceptable and move him onto something more productive, but focusing on your son rather than your daughter is actually a better way to deal with this long term. Stop putting all your energy into "protecting her" and make sure you are giving your son adequate attention and plenty of one on one time with you and no baby.

I know and I’ve tried to do that too - obviously not very successfully 😂

A major struggle and I think this is where I sympathise with my parents is I didn’t anticipate how hard it is to stop things happening. If I’m holding DD and DS comes over I can’t stop him coming for a cuddle - well I can but not really in anyone’s best interests- then he goes for DD - I then can remove us from the situation but it means I never sit down and I barely do anyway believe me. And also by then something has happened

You're being really hard on your 2 yo, who's practically still a baby, by assuming he's going to grow up into the horrid boy your brother was. How's your relationship with your brother now? You risk labelling your baby boy with all the anger you feel for your brother.

What is he doing to her?
What are you doing in response?

If your 3 year old is trying to hurt your baby then it sounds like there is a problem with jealously, sibling rivalry, struggling to accept a new child in the family.

It's not a problem with the fact that your child is male. It could have equally happened if he was a girl (and does happen with girls as well).

Try to take your feelings about gender out of the equation. Children are children and the idea that 'boys are more aggressive' is societally based and to do with messages they receive and what we as parents/ adults teach them.

@Hufflepods bit I’m not. However, I can’t ignore her either, can I? I do value advice but it has to be advice that’s practical. She’s a baby and she does need feeding and holding. DS isn’t being ignored - far from it - but just the same, she’s here , she exists.