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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I’d had my kids the other way round

221 replies

Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 09:22

I feel bad saying this but I am from a family where I’m the youngest and a girl/woman (obviously …) and I have an older brother. We get on well enough now and I do have nice memories of us together as kids, it isn’t all bad. But he was always so rough when we were young, would beat me up, call me names and so on.

To be honest I don’t think my parents dealt with it particularly well as they’d get angry with us both Hmm although to be fair to them I probably instigated some of it but my memory is selective!

Anyway, I have a boy who is 3 in January. I also have a baby daughter who is 3 months and history looks set to repeat itself … he hasn’t taken to her at all and tries to hurt her a lot. I am very worried about having horrible family dynamics. I want to manage this as best I can but struggling with DS - I can’t seem to get through to him, I know he’s jealous but I can’t think what else I can do.

I know I’ll get slated for this but everyone I know whose eldest child is a girl is excited and happy about the baby. I feel like she’s in a really vulnerable position growing up and I have to protect her but that’s also going to alienate my son Sad

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 25/09/2023 10:22

We spent a lot of time at stay and plays etc when I had a toddler and a newborn. I could sit and feed while the toddler had access to other kids to play with.

Could you get a big wooden cot to put DD in in the living room so he doesn't have such easy access to her?

If he doesn't nap any more, don't shy away from a bit of screen time after lunch, put a movie on and cuddle up a bit maybe. Also maybe go to a charity shop and get a big box of random toys and bring it out only when you're feeding so he's distracted.

Goodornot · 25/09/2023 10:23

Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:19

I don’t think he is an abuser. I think he could cause her a lot of physical and emotional pain and distress if I don’t manage to encourage a better sibling relationship. It’s just hard to know how to do that.

He's 2...

Thats how his mother feels about him already.

Original poster
Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:25

What, that I love him and don’t want him to be unhappy? Hmm

@Bear2014 it happens almost always when she’s being fed.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 25/09/2023 10:28

Can you ensure that consequences are to immediately withdraw attention from him.
Even if you do nothing else.
Leave the room he's in, saying something like "you hurt DD so mummy needs to take a break now". And just keep doing that.

Goldbar · 25/09/2023 10:29

2yos do push boundaries though, in a way older kids don't. I remember my 2yo throwing my phone and jumping on some flowers, in both cases just because I'd said "don't do that!". I also remember the gleam in the eyes.

I suspect the reason we haven't had any of the issues you have is the bigger age gap. Which means that this behaviour will pass, it's just a question of protecting the baby and being consistent until it does.

Think about it. You have this precious new object in the house that is taking up all your time and attention and he's constantly being told "don't touch!" But he's both interested and resentful and the quickest route to getting your attention is to touch...

Original poster
Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:31

So here is what I’m taking from the thread, from some posters.

I am posting worried history is repeating itself, I want to know how to deal with this. In response, the message I’m getting from most is to bundle DD away. In a sling or cot so DS gets everything I have … And I don’t think that sits very comfortably. Ideally I want the two of them to love one another and have a respectful relationship and sort of pretending that she isn’t here doesn’t feel as if that’s being encouraged.

DS does LOADS: with me and with dad as a family at the weekends. I fully appreciate he won’t ‘get’ this, I’m trying to explain for posters who might think he’s just left with CBeebies while I feed and tend to his sister. He does toddler groups twice a week, we go for walks and to the park when weather allows, this week alone he did nursery Monday, toddler group and then lunch out and the library afternoon Tuesday, nursery Wednesday, toddler group and play on the park Thursday, nursery Friday, swimming and then a family afternoon at a national trust property Saturday then museum yesterday. We are really trying (DH and I) we love him so very much and want him to be happy. As much as DD is upset when she’s hurt I firmly believe happy children don’t hurt either and it breaks my heart. But I don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
goodkidsmaadhouse · 25/09/2023 10:31

Ok well if he would follow you then just stand up, still feeding, and talk to him about how he’s feeling. ‘Im not going to let you hurt DD so I’m going to stand up… It’s really hard when Mummy’s feeding DD… you wish you had me all to yourself…’ etc etc. If Dad is around then get him to take DD out in the evenings/at the weekends between feeds and devote yourself to DS 100% even if it’s for an hour a day/a week.

I promise you OP your son’s behaviour is not uncommon. In my group of close mum friends by far the most aggressive big toddler sibling was a girl. She has not grown up to be anything other than a total delight.

Sleepo · 25/09/2023 10:32

Your little boy is not your brother, and your memories of your brother are not him as a 2yo.

Your son is trying to tell you that he’s feeling uncertain and left out because he’s got a new baby sister. Reassurance and kindness are what’s needed, not punishments. Obviously don’t let him hurt her but equally don’t put an adult spin on him trying to do so- he’s a baby.

It’s hard work with a small age gap and you have my sympathy, but don’t let how tiny your daughter is make you see your son as more grown up than he really is by comparison. He’s very little and dealing with a lot. Kindness, compassion and gentle correction are the way to go, not a “ton of bricks”.

Original poster
Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:33

Mine does that too @Goldbar , I think it’s why the ‘tonne of bricks’ approach doesn’t work as it just escalates the situation.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 10:37

Steel yourself. They’ll be whizzing past you after 2 days of lessons. Yes, of course you love them and will be incredibly proud (but it’s still bloody annoying as you pick yourself up off your bum again … 😁)

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 10:38

Oops, sorry, wrong thread, that was for the ski-ing one!

Hufflepods · 25/09/2023 10:38

I am posting worried history is repeating itself, I want to know how to deal with this. In response, the message I’m getting from most is to bundle DD away. In a sling or cot so DS gets everything I have … And I don’t think that sits very comfortably. Ideally I want the two of them to love one another and have a respectful relationship and sort of pretending that she isn’t here doesn’t feel as if that’s being encouraged.

Because of course YABU for obsessing that 'history will repeat itself' because that isn't a thing. You can't say that all older brothers are X or all older sisters are Y. It is nonsense and you're the one putting this on your son.

And again having a 3 month old in a sling so you can attend to your toddler isn't bundling her away and ignoring her. They aren't going to have a loving and respectful relationship at 2 and 0!

Your DD has very basic needs right now, to be fed, to be warm, to sleep in the day. Your DS's needs are much more complex, all the normal toddler development and emotions plus the arrival of a new sibling who in many ways has replaced him. He's used to having 100% of your attention, he simply won't understand why that has changed and it is natural for him to resent the change in his life - DD.

You say he gets "loads of family time" at the weekends or various things in the week, but it still sounds like the baby is there. You and your DH need to carve out specific alone time with DS, where you can dedicate your full attention to him.

PollyPeep · 25/09/2023 10:39

@Boyfirstthengirl it's his age not his sex. My eldest was the same when his brother was born. Now he's older (5), he's much more gentle with him. In fact, it's the toddler who has always been the more aggressive towards his older brother! I honestly think it comes down to maturity level and personality, not sex. Please try to focus on that, otherwise you run the risk of perpetuating or even creating an issue that was never going to arise.

KeepTheTempo · 25/09/2023 10:39

He's little too, and she's only just arrived, you're projecting your own feelings.

Plenty of little girls deeply resent their younger siblings, partly the issue is that parents are more hesitant to say that their little girls do this, than with boys. My friend told me how her DD just loved the new baby, but when we visited, I said how sweet the baby was, and the DD asked if I'd like to 'buy him for free', apparently she was actually quite keen to have him gone.

My eldest is a boy and turns out to be quite parental. His younger brother is far more likely to bully his big brother than vice versa. So much comes down to kids themselves, and there are things you can do as parents, lots of good advice here.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/09/2023 10:39

I think you may be reading too much into it, your son is only 2. Sounds like you have a similar age gap to me. I have 2 boys and the eldest was a pain in the arse when the youngest was born. I was apparently the same when my parents had my sister. Keep an eye on it but it sounds like terrible 2s at the moment with a new baby in the mix that’s all

MissDollyMix · 25/09/2023 10:40

Hedonism · 25/09/2023 10:10

Also, having grown up with an older brother and now having a daughter as the oldest child, the big advantage of having a boy as your oldest is that girls tend to mature more quickly so they’re more likely to be equal playmates as they get older.

Yes! This has been our experience too. They grow out of things (interests, etc, not clothes) at the same time which leaves me totally catching up. This year they've both moved on from Santa, last year they both believed were willing to humour me.

Yes! This has been exactly our experience too. I'm very glad we had a boy then a girl.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/09/2023 10:41

And while mine have had their moments they’ve never hit each other, I know families with all one sex kids where the kids do though

Original poster
Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:42

@Hufflepods you’re doing that MN ‘thing’ of quoting things I haven’t said. No one’s obsessing over it. I think you’re just trying to start a fight to be honest. If not, have a think. Are you helping me, or my toddler, or my baby, with your posts? I am not sure who you think I can magic up to care for a baby at weekends, either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:43

I really want to have no hitting or fighting - even in play - as a non negotiable. But it’s being ignored at 2 so doesn’t bode well for 8 Hmm

Just for the record, I ended up in a fucking soft play 5 days post c section with DS, I’m really NOT ignoring him.

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 25/09/2023 10:45

Jealous 2 year olds don't mean they become abusive 8 year olds! You are catastrophising based on - what sounds like - perfectly natural 2 year old behaviour.

I always think this sounds condescending, but I'm going to ask anyway.... how are you feeling generally @Boyfirstthengirl ? Are you coping?

PollyPeep · 25/09/2023 10:46

@Boyfirstthengirl just seen your update. Having your baby in a sling isn't "bundling her away", it's the most natural and comforting way for a baby to be carried. She's close to you, hearing your heartbeat, and you'll have both hands free for your 2 year old. Everybody wins.

The only way to deal with a toddler and a baby is to attend to the toddlers needs more frequently. If that means she's in a sling or cot or bouncy chair, so be it. Babies have physical needs easily met, and the rest of the time they sleep, but toddlers needs are more complex. It seems unnatural because you probably focussed intensely on your firstborn when he was a baby, but actually babies don't really need that. Your toddler will act up and may well take it out on the baby if you don't respond to his needs. Again, it's his age not his personality or sex.

They can't have a loving and respectful relationship at newborn and toddler phase lol. That will come when she's more interesting to him rather than just a potato taking all of his mum's attention.

MissDollyMix · 25/09/2023 10:46

I say this gently OP but you seem to be harbouring quite a few gender stereotypes here. It's perhaps understandable given your own childhood experiences. But, please try and step away from seeing your son as the rough, tough instigator of violence and likewise your DD isn't - or won't always be- a helpless innocent girl (I get she's a baby at the moment and all babies are helpless and innocent). My own DD is by far the more feisty of my DC. In fights and rough play it's more often her older brother (of 2.5years) who will come away in tears. Likewise we tell both our children that they must look out for and look after each other, regardless of who is the youngest and what sex they are. My DD is very confident, strong and outgoing. Much more so that her older brother. I appreciate mine are much older now, and things are always easier in retrospect but I can reassure you that mine (mostly) have a lovely, close relationship and a very equal dynamic. It is possible.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/09/2023 10:48

Boyfirstthengirl · 25/09/2023 10:43

I really want to have no hitting or fighting - even in play - as a non negotiable. But it’s being ignored at 2 so doesn’t bode well for 8 Hmm

Just for the record, I ended up in a fucking soft play 5 days post c section with DS, I’m really NOT ignoring him.

They are very different at 2 than at 8 and much less likely at 2 to do as they’re told/respond to rewards/punishment

Niinja · 25/09/2023 10:49

"But it’s being ignored at 2 so doesn’t bode well for 8 Hmm"

It's being ignored at 2 because he is 2. He hasn't developed the self control and empathy he will have at 8, he hardly even understands that hitting someone hurts them yet. How someone behaves age 2 doesn't bode badly for anything, you just need to get through the day to day grind now. It will get easier.

(I do remember wishing DD would retaliate against DS but she never did. No matter, they get on so well these days it's almost weird.)