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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

760 replies

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 20:59

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

OP posts:
SD1978 · 23/09/2023 21:24

The judgment is more on the men than the women. The number of men who move on from women/ relationships they have been in for 20 yrs, to pick up with someone young enough to be their daughter and do it all over again is slightly cringe.

Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:28

Well that’s the Situation my husband is in and it’s not cringey at all to me? In fact his own mum said to me she’s never seen him so happy and content and we’ve been together 4 years now. I don’t think people are just so quick to judge and I don’t really genuinely understand why

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/09/2023 21:29

You're right, but there's not much you can do about. I suggest you view it as a useful filter,. You presumably wouldn't want to be bothered with someone who held those views, but you wouldn't know that about them if you weren't in that situation yourself. Sod all the judgemental idiots, get on with being happy and leave them to their prejudices.

CliffsofMohair · 23/09/2023 21:30

He left a long term relationship for a 21 year old?

GotMooMilk · 23/09/2023 21:30

I mean this genuinely but do you worry he will do the same to you in another 20 years? That would be my concern.
‘trading in for a younger model’ is just an old trope which sadly happens a lot. My uncle did the same and he is very happy with his new wife. His ‘old’ family have struggled a lot though.

Mumsanetta · 23/09/2023 21:32

You genuinely don’t see anything cringey about a man leaving his wife/partner for a 21 yr old? Age is a good educator and I suspect you’ll understand why it’s so cringey when you’re older.

WhateverMate · 23/09/2023 21:33

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

Oh come on really?

The solicitor said he was expecting 'some young dope'?

Xrays · 23/09/2023 21:33

Hmm. I admit I do judge, now I’m in my 40s. I’ve been that younger woman with an older man and now I look back on myself and think what was I thinking 😳 I think the age gap becomes more of an issue with the passing years. It might not matter now but when you’re 35/45/55 it will.

Popsicle42 · 23/09/2023 21:33

You were 21 and he was 36 when you got together?
Do I take from your post that he has children from his first relationship who are close in age to you?
I would probably make assumptions about you both and your relationship in those circumstances.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2023 21:35

I just can’t understand what an attractive, stable, career orientated 25 year old would see in a 40 year old man unless it’s £££ or unresolved issues.

Equally I’d find it deeply unsettling that a 40 year old man went for someone so much younger.

Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:35

No honestly I wouldn’t be afraid of that at all. For the first year of the relationship I constantly talked to him about him and I can see he’s genuinely happy. I think there’s a prejudice because older men, as another poster said, are assumed to be a certain type i.e. cheaters, will leave etc etc but I could be with someone my own age who could do the same?

not being defensive or anything just genuinely interested where the stereotype some from

ps just to clarify he didn’t leave another relationship for me, him and his ex-girlfriend (who 2 years younger than him) split before I even knew him just incase that came across wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:36

He didn’t leave her for me? Apologies if that didn’t come across right, they split before we even knew each other

OP posts:
LongBoi · 23/09/2023 21:37

The solicitor has probably met enough 40 year old men who left a long term relationship for a 21 yr woman to form his own opinion.

Whataretheodds · 23/09/2023 21:37

For the first year of the relationship I constantly talked to him about him and I can see he’s genuinely happy.

No wonder he's happy if the conversation is all about him

Rainbowqueeen · 23/09/2023 21:38

I judge the man and pity the young woman. There is a clear power imbalance which the young woman often realises once she is older. She is also likely to become a carer at a young age. Plus a stepmother

Most people I know feel the same way

theduchessofspork · 23/09/2023 21:39

I think it’s much more a judgement on men who have same age partners and get shot of them for someone younger.

People don’t love this because divorce makes families poorer, usually upsets the kids, reinforces the stereotype that only young women are attractive and generally causes unhappiness and disruption in society. Also it is not unknown for MA men to date younger women who are… less complicated because they no longer want the hassle of an equal relationship.

This may not be the case for you. Perhaps his old marriage was shit, you fell in love and you are equally smart. But with kindness the above is well known so if you genuinely aren’t aware of it you need to catch yourself on a bit.

Anyway, don’t worry about it, in a few years time many of those reactions will have tied down.

At the other end of life younger wives can end up being caters so make financial plans to avoid that. Also be aware that the age gap can sometimes feel bigger a bit later - at 35/50 or 45/60 as he may want to slow down when you don’t, so be aware of that and keep communicating.

Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:40

This is what I’m trying to ascertain - why the assumptions? It’s more I notice it when we surprise people if that makes sense.

ps definitely not money I earn slightly more and everything is split just genuinely love each other. Met through love of sports and just get on exceptionally well.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 23/09/2023 21:41

CARERS not caters

Blueeyedmale · 23/09/2023 21:41

I don't judge the younger woman but he was 36 you were 21 and he left his partner sorry that is slightly cringe for me

Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:42

Definitely no power imbalance - I had that before in a relationship, as I said it’s healthy thank goodness. Again that’s another assumption.

ps he wasn’t married before to his ex, I’m his first wife.

honestly not trying to be controversial or anything just interested in where/why there’s this stereotype and where it comes from

OP posts:
Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:42

Blueeyedmale · 23/09/2023 21:41

I don't judge the younger woman but he was 36 you were 21 and he left his partner sorry that is slightly cringe for me

For the third time…didn’t leave her for me. They had split before he even knew me or I knew him.

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 23/09/2023 21:43

If my 25 year old daughter turned up with a 40 year old bloke I would assume she’s had a psychotic episode… it’s grim!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 23/09/2023 21:43

I think we get a raw deal but not the way that's bothering you. I think it's much shitter that we don't get the same amount of time together as we would if we'd been born a decade closer to our DPs. I think it's shit that DH will die before I do, and that before that I'll have to watch him decline. Then I'll have to work out what to do with myself for at least ten more years after that. Unless we're exceptionally unlucky and he somehow outlives me due to a car accident or something.
It makes me sad that we'll probably not get a 50th wedding anniversary even though I married him in my twenties, and we certainly don't have a chance at a 60th.

Original poster
gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:45

Throwncrumbs · 23/09/2023 21:43

If my 25 year old daughter turned up with a 40 year old bloke I would assume she’s had a psychotic episode… it’s grim!

Actually it’s pretty amazing 🥰

OP posts:
lapsedbookworm · 23/09/2023 21:45

Pretty much all my friends when entered into these kind of marriages found it went badly wrong later down the line.

You do sound quite young and shiny eyed op. I hope it works out, but there's a reason people are cautious about big age gaps