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Original poster

To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

760 replies

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 20:59

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 23/09/2023 22:40

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:42

Definitely no power imbalance - I had that before in a relationship, as I said it’s healthy thank goodness. Again that’s another assumption.

ps he wasn’t married before to his ex, I’m his first wife.

honestly not trying to be controversial or anything just interested in where/why there’s this stereotype and where it comes from

Oh come on, OP.

"Where does the stereotype come from?"

You are either

A: having us on

Or

B: not as wise and worldly as you think you are

diamondpony80 · 23/09/2023 22:40

OP I’ve been where you are and I also naively thought everything was perfect. Now in my forties I can recognise the power imbalance and things that were inappropriate despite thinking it was a great relationship at the time. In your twenties you’re naive and inexperienced and you will probably change a lot as a person in the next 5-10 years.

Tantaijin · 23/09/2023 22:40

I would have said the same in my twenties.

However when you are in your late thirties/fourties, young men and women aged 21-25 will almost seem like children to you. Naive, easily manipulated and very few real things in common. Most people who aren’t deficient in some way would not look at someone that much younger as a potential equal partner.

My nieces boyfriend is 21 and I’m currently the age your dp was when you met and…god no. It may be legal, but it is morally so wrong.

You might not notice the power imbalance from the bottom looking up, I didn’t. Most of us don’t. We all just think at the time that the bitter old hags who just don’t want us to be happy or are jealous (which is a laugh, the type of bloke who goes for a much younger woman is the usually the kind knowledgable older women avoid) are trying to shame us. Turns out they were judging the older party because they KNOW how wrong it is.

But you will see it one day, when you see other young men and women fall for it, and it will be like a sucker punch to the gut.

rozg · 23/09/2023 22:40

fuck off

Usernamen · 23/09/2023 22:41

Wishitsnows · 23/09/2023 21:49

If you are 25 and on maternity leave and you say you have done well in your career and earn more than him is he just not focused on work or just not managed to go up the career ladder when you have overtaken him just starting out?

Oh, you got there before me.

The story makes zero sense.

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:41

Chocolatepopcorn · 23/09/2023 22:13

It's OK now but when he's 60 and you're 45? When he's 70 and you're 55? You might find it different then.

I don't know. Harrison Ford. I still would

Justneedagirlname · 23/09/2023 22:41

oh come on. I was 27 and was absolutely smitten with the guy who was 43! Just very interesting and sexy guy (not rich, regular middle class). Would you understand if the guy was George Clooney level attractive?

WhateverMate · 23/09/2023 22:43

Interesting first post @rozg

Anything else you'd like to share with the group? 🤣🤣

Arrestedforit · 23/09/2023 22:43

Hmm, glad you’re happy, but I’d be horrified if you were my daughter.
Come back in 15 years and tell us all how it’s going for you.

Toottooot · 23/09/2023 22:43

Wooptie fucking ping. 🙄

AuContraire · 23/09/2023 22:43

Usernamen · 23/09/2023 22:33

I don’t want to be one of those gobshites who pokes holes in people’s stories, but I can’t quite square someone who graduated university, completed a professional qualification, is now in a very high earning job in Finance (out-earning their 40 year-old husband), and who loves their career, getting pregnant at 23/24.

OP, are you sure you’re 25?

Are you still splitting finances ‘equally’ while you’re on maternity leave?

Agree, this sounds unlikely.

It sort of sounds like something a 25 year old recent graduate would say though.

You sound very immature, OP.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 23/09/2023 22:44

Mumsanetta · 23/09/2023 21:32

You genuinely don’t see anything cringey about a man leaving his wife/partner for a 21 yr old? Age is a good educator and I suspect you’ll understand why it’s so cringey when you’re older.

^^ this

Was talking to my friends today about age being an educator and not seeing it 10 years ago when we were all 20. Now sadly we see how a lot of men (not all) view women and how they seek out women as young as is reasonable because youth = value and also there's this awful preoccupation with young men and I can't help but think that's because many men think a young woman is a vulnerable woman or a trophy of sorts.

SmokeMeAKipperSkipper · 23/09/2023 22:44

WhateverMate · 23/09/2023 21:48

Is your relationship healthy though?

I read your last thread where you were trying to manage how he communicates with his ex regarding their child, and I'm sorry but that didn't sound healthy at all.

The relationship also doesn’t sound amazing if they are arguing about it and he’s storming off.

whatchulookinatwillis · 23/09/2023 22:44

You may have a perfect relationship OP, and I genuinely hope that you do.

However, many older men prey on women young enough to be their daughters because they are naive; most 21yr old women have considerably less life experience than 40yr old ones.

The younger and less experienced the female, the easier it (usually) is for the older man to control them.

Once you've been around the block a few times (as I have) you'll recognise that the power dynamic in relationships where the male is a generation older than the female is unhealthy much more often than it's healthy.

You may be the exception to the rule, but you are not the rule, and that's why people react in the way that you've described.

benoticanarsed · 23/09/2023 22:45

Did you want a child? Are you going back to work full / part time? These days career women focus on their job until late 30s-early 40s.

I don't think this is real.

Poshjock · 23/09/2023 22:45

MsRosley · 23/09/2023 22:36

It is now. Wait another 20 years when he's 60 and you're just 45, and all his health issues start to kick in.

Show quote history

I find that pretty bloody insulting tbh. DH has a life limiting illness and I am 15 yrs his junior. His health problems first occurred when he was 30 and he recovered, now relapsed. We've been together 20 years (so we met in his remission years) and it's just pretty horrible to suggest that I would feel any less supportive or devastated at his diagnosis because I'm a bit younger than him. He's still the man I love and chose to spend my life with. Just because I'm younger doesn't make me shallow.

hallecherry · 23/09/2023 22:45

Wow so much bitterness on this thread.

Op asked a simple question and as usual MN bites back with the same old age gap relationship cliches and stereotypes.

The amount of threads we see on here telling women to value themselves more, to find happy relationships with worthy men who treat them well...yet when woman comes along and dares to say that's what she's got, she gets snide comments.

Op fwiw I am older than you and my dh is 13 older than me. We have dc and are very happy. Your only mistake is coming on MN and stating that you're happy, especially in an age gap relationship. I think there must be a lot of jealous, bitter women on here.

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:46

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2023 22:20

There will come a point when your baby is 21 (the age you met your partner) and you will be 46 (not much older than your partner is now) and he will be 61 (almost old enough to be the baby's grandfather). And you may think "bleugh". Or not. But you may think it. Especially if a middle aged man is sniffing around him or her.

I had a huge crush on a 36 yo when I was 19 yo, which he encouraged. And I thought it was all awesome. Thankfully I steered just past him and I now look back and think "what the fuck was he thinking, what a perv?". I didn't think that at 25.

Brain development continues into our 20s. And a healthy cynicism of middle aged men who date women just out of their teens develops after that. Give it time.

Oh please. My dh is 61. Our youngest is 16. I don't think bleugh. Seriously what's wrong with you

wootaloo · 23/09/2023 22:47

I'm the same age as you and I wouldn't think you were an oh so wittle girl making bad decisions led by an older man! I'd just think you had some unresolved issues and feel sorry for you that you couldn't find someone your own age before settling down with an older man. The raw deal is what you're getting from your partner which is him slowing down sexually before you do, possible fertility issues, and a lack of relatability you'd get from a man your own age.

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:50

@NewPinkJacket I honestly feel more sorry for all the petty people with negative and nasty comments to the OP they must have some very sad lives.

Yes, so you keep saying.

They can still get a bloke their own age though...
You think being nasty is helping your argument? What's wrong with you?

Dgrl04 · 23/09/2023 22:50

So you've never been in love right? That was the most ridiculous response I have seen in a relly long time like what?

PinkMoscatoLover · 23/09/2023 22:51

You can’t understand why people would judge? All you need to do is think and use a bit of common sense. Why WOULDN’T someone judge?

A 21 year old and a 36 year old? Be so serious right now

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:53

WhateverMate · 23/09/2023 22:29

@anomaly2 if you read the thread, you'll see the OP has corrected the misunderstanding she caused.

I don't see anything she wrote to suggest an ex wife or child. Not a single thing. People just jumped to that assumption because of the ages of the OP and partner

Conniption · 23/09/2023 22:53

You dont know where the stereotype comes from because you havent had enough life experience yet to have seen it in action - if you think that because everything is ok after 4 years, that it will be forever, then it just highlights the lack of experience. Try 20/30 years and lets see how happy you both are then
I thought I was very mature at 25 too - I wasnt. Whether your relationship lasts or not, you will look back and see your own immaturity

anomaly2 · 23/09/2023 22:54

@WhateverMate i think you need to read the thread yourself 👓

Seriously, where does she say he left an ex and has dc? Screen shot it and show me please