To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

I mean, people generally think most 21/25 year old women are naive and a bit immature, not just in the context of an age gap relationship. Give it 10 years and you'll feel the same, we've all been there but you get older and gain life experience. The difference probably is that you're spending time with more people his age than you would if you were in a relationship with another 25yo so you're hearing it.

I have a friend in a similar position - met when she was 20 and he was 35, all very glamorous and exciting for her. Fast forward 15 years, it's a lot less glam. They're married almost 10 years, two kids, aging parents to care for, he's hitting 50. All her friends are just starting to get married and think about kids, partners same age so much less chance we'll be widowed/carers young, our parents are only in their 60s and generally well. I can't understand why at 20 you'd want to tie yourself down like that.

Is your relationship healthy though?

I read your last thread where you were trying to manage how he communicates with his ex regarding their child, and I'm sorry but that didn't sound healthy at all.

It can and does work. My parents have a 15yr age gap. But it's never looked larger than it has since my mum was about 60. She's still got a fair amount of energy and my dad much less so, and that's obviously only going to get worse. But they've been together for 50 odd years and have been very happy together.

I only know one couple with the same sort of age gap. We all thought it was weird at the time. The marriage lasted 7 years.

If you are 25 and on maternity leave and you say you have done well in your career and earn more than him is he just not focused on work or just not managed to go up the career ladder when you have overtaken him just starting out?

Statistically, there are certain factors that make it much more/less likely that relationships will last. Not being too far apart in age is one of them. That obviously does not mean that your relationship won’t last, but statistically, it’s a risk factor. Another risk factor is getting together very young (which you did). And a third risk factor is having very different educations.

So, statistically, it is not strange that some people might not think too much of your relationship. It’s not polite, it’s not nice, and it’s not anybody’s business – whatever people think, they should keep quiet about it, of course.

Someone who is 25 has a very different experience of life compared to someone who is 40, perhaps particularly given that you say you’ve been together since you were 20. Many people would consider that a very young age to decide to settle. In such cases, it really isn’t unusual that you’ll grow apart in x years’ time.

Just ignore people. Too many people have too many thoughts about other people they are dying to share.

Struggling to believe that a solicitor would say that.

You have only been with him for four years - that's nothing, it's still in the honeymoon period really. I think people can just see that there could be issues down the line when he's in his 50s and you're in your prime. Most men who haven't married or had kids until they are 40 tend to be quite set in their ways too. I'm glad you're happy but I would be very sad if my young DD tied herself to a man so much older.

@gutfightinghead I'm 40 my DH is 60 and we have never been happier I met him when I was 19, Ignore all the ignorant people on MN, I honestly have not met any one in real life like the nasty ones on here. At the end of the day half of them must be lonely and bitter.

You know you own feeling and relationship so good on you 😍

Hopefully when you grow older your just as love still as I am and not bitter and twisted.

This.

If you want my honest opinion (I really don’t mean any offence OP)

I think 36 and 21 is usually totally inappropriate, coming from someone closest to the age you wouldve been when you met. Sorry. Life stages and interests are too different at that point. I’d raise an eyebrow of an age gap bigger than 5 years until the youngest partner reaches age 25. I wouldn’t think badly of you but I would be concerned about any power imbalances and why the man can’t find someone closer to his own age unless in very exceptional circumstances

I do think you get a raw deal, but it comes much later down the line.

A bloke 15/20 years older than you will generally get decrepit well before you do. A lot of 70 year olds are still sprightly, but there arent as many 85 and 90 year olds who still are.

You could just have retired and then need to be on hand to care for him.

And yes I know accidents and illness can happen in any relationship, no matter the age of the people in it. But statistically, I'd say the odds are stacked against you in that regard the older the person you're with.

I think it looks a bit silly, like they can’t get a nice young man their own age.

Op, many people don't think adult women are capable or competent to make their own decisions. They see them only as passive victims of men's decisions. Men in their 20s who are attracted to older women don't get the same victim comments.

Women and men both make good and bad decisions in life. You can marry who you want as can he. If you are both consenting adults, then go for it. Age on its does not determine compatiblity or how healthy or unhealthy a relationship will be. If you want to be with an older man and he wants to be with a younger women - then do it.

Some people are against interracial marrirages, some against age gap marriages, some against same sex marriages etc. Don't let someone else's narrow views into your head.

No solicitor would say that.

You could just have retired and then need to be on hand to care for him.

Or still trying to hold down a job, given the later retirement age.

You're also not willing to listen to/ accept any of the reasons people have given as valid for them. You don't agree, understandable as it's your relationship, but many of us, find that from our own experience of being 21, a 36 yr old man is/ was an imbalance. Of ideals and where we were at that point. It's working for you, great, but you're also dismissing everyone who may have had already that experience, or seen it.

I was in a relationship like that. I would be worried for my daughter if she ended up in the same position. Describing a man near his 40s having a sexual relationship with a 21-year-old as cringe is being kind. Most people further into adulthood recognize this.

its not so awful an age gap to be horrible, but it is a bit troubling. If you had met at 25 and 40 I wouldn’t find it that odd at all, it’s the 21 part that trips me up. But as long as he didn’t have children from a pre-existing relationship, you were old enough that it isn’t that bad of an age gap and I understand the annoyance. If he did its red flag central.

@WhateverMate yes, youre right. Thatd be even worse!!

He has at least one child from his previous relationship.

@Wishitsnows i went straight from school, uni, professional qualification and into a high paying finance job.

@Unicorn2022 solicitor is very old school, not very PC type, he’s one of those ones if you knew him you’d know it’s his manner.

personally doesn’t feel like honeymoon period, we’ve been through some horrendous stuff together and made it out the other side as each others support.

I’ve always been mature for my age. I don’t drink, I hate going out, I just like my career and love my now family. I don’t feel silly or trapped. I had a bit of a shitty childhood (and yes this is where people are going to say awh that explains it and to a degree it definitely does). I didn’t start this thread to be told I’m young, naive etc, I wanted to see the assumptions and I was bang on unfortunately

he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope

The solicitor absolutely did not say this

It's not a problem if you are both happy.

However, I'm in an age gap relationship myself (12 years) and my opinion has changed over the years. When I was 28 and he was 40 I saw us as being on the same level. Now I'm 38 and he is 50, I see there is quite a big gap. We just aren't going through life together and having the same experiences.

And the biggest difference is, I now look back at 28 year olds and see how young they are. I have younger friends but I don't relate to them in the same way as peers, and I can't ever imagine being romantically attracted to one. I now realise my DH felt the same way - he probably never felt connected to me in a deep way, instead he thought she's young, less wrinkled than a 40s women and can give me kids - that will do.

I'm mature for my age also 25 and have a good career but I have nothing in common with a 40 year old to be in a relationship with them....

its odd

I had a bit of a shitty childhood (and yes this is where people are going to say awh that explains it and to a degree it definitely does).

Some men can spot a vulnerable young woman a mile off. Perhaps this is why some people have their reservations?