To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

For all the people saying about the solicitor he’s near retired and isn’t very PC.

also thank you for the well meaning advice, however, respectfully that’s not what I’m looking for, myself and my DH are thankfully very happy x

It's not clear what you wanted from this thread, OP.

@NewPinkJacket definitely!! And I was unfortunately involved with a man before my DH who did see that vulnerability. I had therapy etc over it but DH genuinely isn’t like that. Ps he gets on great with my
family and friends etc

@Wishitsnows i went straight from school, uni, professional qualification and into a high paying finance job.

I’m sorry but this just doesn’t add up, you are at a stretch, one year post qualified with a maternity leave added in, that does not equal a high paid finance job unless you’re an investment banker (unlikely given the mention of professional qualification) or your idea of “high paying” is low. What’s even more concerning is that you already outearn this man who has two children to support and is fifteen years deeper into his career. I sincerely hope you aren’t subsidising him.

PC or not, the language simply isn’t plausible from a solicitor. In fact it’s even less likely that he’d call someone a ‘dope’

I've been a solicitor for 38 years. Is that "old school" enough for you? No solicitor would say that.

Other than the obvious, I'd wonder what a 36 year old has in common with a 21 year old who's just left uni, and has very little experience in life. Surprising also that given he's been in the workforce at least 15 years, and you just 4 years that you'd be outearning already.

I'm early 40's with DC and having split with my EXDP a couple of years ago, I've just started dating again. My lower age limit for men I'd want to go out with is 40, I couldn't imagine going lower than 30 or even 35, as we'd most likely be at completely different stages of life.

I'm soon to be with my husband 10 years, married nearly 1. He's 42 I'm 29. You seem to want to label yourself as his trophy. In fact I don't know what u wanted to achieve in the post at all, you clearly have some hang up with the age difference. To me my husband is my husband, I see no age difference, I love him and never have to refer to him as my 42 year old age gap of 14 nearly year husband. I also don't understand people commenting its grim with the age difference relationships....

This.

It’s also generally uncommon for high flying career women to choose to have a child at 24/25. You clearly do things differently.

I don’t count “not liking going out” as a mark of maturity btw. And there are plenty of immature men pushing 40 especially ones with a few failed relationships and kids along the way.

I would judge if one of my male friends rocked up with an early 20s girlfriend at our age. It’s just such a gap in life experience.

I really think you are getting a hard time here OP! I completely agree with you, I’m in an age gap relationship, when my partner and I started dating, I was 22, he was 33, we have created a wonderful life together over the last 7 years and we get married next year with our toddler and my daughter by our side. I’ve had all sorts of comments over the years but my family and friends love my DP, as do I love his. It’s not the norm but we have an incredibly strong relationship where we are each others strongest supporters, our life is full of love and laughter and I cannot wait to grow old and grey with him.

I read a quote once that said “it’s none of your business what other people think of you”, it’s stuck with me since. You have nothing to prove!

Ignore all these people op.

my dh is 10 years older than me too. We have been together 20 years now. 3 kids.

currently he earns more than me but not long after we got together I landed an amazing highly paid job so I was the higher earner for the first few years we were married. I have since left and retrained so I’m back at the bottom. I’m not too concerned though as our plan is that we will both retire when he is 60.

When I was in my 20s I had a really serious relationship with a man 16 years older. I was really fond of him for no other reason than the fact he was a really good person. He worked with underprivileged children. He had charisma and a great personality. We broke up because I was getting to the point where I wanted more and he'd been there and done it all before.

Sometimes it can just be who we feel most drawn to and has nothing to do with unresolved issues or money. It depends on the individual. OP sounds quite mature.

It's OK now but when he's 60 and you're 45? When he's 70 and you're 55? You might find it different then.

I think it’s scepticism that a genuine connection could happen between a 36yo and a 21yo, and thus, an assumption that the older man has chosen the 21yo because of appearance or because younger women are easier to manipulate.

I am 36 and I cannot imagine what on earth I would have in common with a 21yo. I suspect you might see this relationship differently once you are 36.

Alll before the grand old age of 21?

I do know where you're coming from. I had a big age gap relationship when younger. It wasn't classic grooming and I actually got a lot out of it. I'm sure we were judged but I didn't really care. But it didn't last, it was never going to work long term (it lasted 8 years). And that's ok, not every relationship is meant to last for 50 years. He is your man for your 20s. Who knows what your 30s, 40s, 50s ... will bring.

He is 40, with a 25yo. When you are 40, you will have a 55yo.

If people expect you to be a 'dope', maybe this is why.

When there is such a big age gap, I always wonder why they can't get a partner their own age.

There's usually a reason.

You’re not being unreasonable but you do sound extremely immature

My dh is 60 and I'm 40, happily married longer than I care to remember and would not change a thing, so no she might not.

I honestly feel more sorry for all the petty people with negative and nasty comments to the OP they must have some very sad lives.

The fact that you are young but in a great job that you enjoy, and earning a fair wage from it and contributing to the family finances mean I fully salute you. I only judge those who sit on their arses at home and spend someone else’s money, regardless of their age.

I'm 26 and if a 40+ man looked twice at me I'd be wondering why he can't get a woman his own age 🤮

Always a reason why they go for someone with less life experience!

I love that you are happy and have both found love with each other, that's all that matters really.

If you want me to be honest about it though, (and I'm only speaking for myself) but if I found out a 36 year old male colleague or friend was seeing a 21 year old I'd think he was sort of seedy. At those ages, you are in completely different stages of life. Typically, a man does this because he doesn't want to grow up, or wants a young piece of arm candy. I wouldn't think the relationship was particularly credible.

I'm pushing 30 and wouldn't dream of going near a 21 year old! I find the thought a bit icky.

All that said, I appreciate that isn't always the case. It really doesn't matter what others think as long as you're both happy!

A 36 year old with a 21 year old is creepy IMO.

As a pp said, I think you will see this differently when you're 36 yourself and you realise how young 21 year olds come across, even the mature ones.

I'm thirty-six. The thought of dating a twenty-one-year-old man is just... yikes. WTF would we have in common?

Thing is, you are going to be start eyed after4 years surely? Might be a different thing when you’re 45 & he’s 60 & you’re at completely different life stages.

That said, I don’t think anything when I see age gap couples.

The thing is, as a 25 year old woman, you don't know what aging men are like in the way older women do.
Your husband is 40 and is still young enough yet for the age gap not to show too badly. Unfortunately over the next decade or so, things could look very different in terms of his health, enthusiasm and energy. That can be bad enough if you're a woman the same age, but for one so much younger, it could be a very restricting way to live that will greatly short change you.
While as a young woman you won't necessarily know this, at his age, he should. Yet after having his own youth, he's happy to take yours, which to many of us makes him selfish and entitled, putting his desire for a young woman ahead of what's good for you.
As a pp has pointed out, a preoccupation with youth isn't the best trait in a partner given you're not going to be young forever. There's also the issue of character traits that men who want much younger women tend to share. The desire to be seen as wiser and in charge, controlling basically. Or conversely an immaturity that means they seek out much younger company.
So yes, theres a negativity, but its not usually directed at the young women, but at the men who marry them. I hope you will never come to understand why that is.