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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
LifeInTheGrass · 23/09/2023 10:24

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HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

1stworldissues · 23/09/2023 10:24

Send him to his own house

WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 10:27

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All of this

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/09/2023 10:30

I feel sorry for your boyfriend's son, he's getting mixed messages about 'home'. He's behaving quite normally for a young child whilst your boyfriend is taking advantage.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 23/09/2023 10:30

Yanbu at all! Your p should be parenting his dc, not leaving it all to you. You're not his child's parent. He sounds lazy and entitled.

JollyGoodWine · 23/09/2023 10:30

YANBU. How would you feel about all of you (including your DCs) spending time at his house instead? Maybe alternate the weekends when BF has his DS?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 23/09/2023 10:31

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Bollocks. They don't live together. The ss has two parents. Op is not his parent. His dad should be stepping up to parent his own Dc at weekends instead of using op like a hotel.

Cadenza12 · 23/09/2023 10:32

I do think that it's to your credit that he feels so at home. From what you say it seems that your BF pops over and expects full waitress service and child entertainment for the weekend. He sees his son, you do all the work so it's a win win. For him. I would find time to talk to him about how this is making you feel and what you expect from him with regard to division of labour. It should be easier with him there, not double the work

airforsharon · 23/09/2023 10:32

Honestly? He's taking the easy option - for him - and appointed you chief entertainer, cook and cleaner. You don't live together, there's no reason for you to give up your home and free time eow to, effectively, parent his child.
It's great that you're forging a relationship with his ds, but why can't that happen at your partner's house? He's the parent after all.

HenryCavillsWife · 23/09/2023 10:33

You are 💯 NOT being unreasonable. BFs should be taking you out places, making you feel amazing, making your life better, not using you like a co-nanny.

EggInANest · 23/09/2023 10:33

Your BF needs to pull his socks up, right now!

It’s good that his Ds feels at home with you and the house he sees as where his Dad lives. It’s not his fault.

But your BF needs to provide for, care for and parent his Ds!

How old are your kids?

RocketPanda · 23/09/2023 10:35

It doesn't appear that your boyfriend is doing any of the care for his son. Pawning him off would give me the ick.

Dotcheck · 23/09/2023 10:35

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Rubbish
They don’t live together. The boyfriend is dumping parental responsibility onto the OP who is his girlfriend,NOT wife.

OP- he sounds like a shitty dad. Every other weekend, and when he does have them, he doesn’t plan anything, just sits back and lets you parent. Why would you want to take the relationship any further?

Hummingbird89 · 23/09/2023 10:36

I feel sorry for this kid, he’s only 8 and it’s sweet that he feels so at home with you.
HOWEVER. Your bf is being massively unreasonable. He basically can’t be arsed to parent his own child so is trying to shift it onto you. Absolutely not on. You don’t live together; you’re not step mum, nor should you be expected to play that role. Tell him you’re unavailable at the weekend.

QuizzlyBear · 23/09/2023 10:37

You're dating, not even living together - I don't think it's unreasonable that you don't want to take on step parent responsibilities for another child on your precious time off.

Maybe sit down with your BF and tell him that his time with his son should really be spent with HIM.

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 10:38

Does this kid actually spend any time with his dad? Like quality one on one time?

Or is just left to you and your Dc to entertain?

I don't blame the kid. I blame the dp who seems to have offloaded parental responsibility to you. He's a cheeky fuck

NotAKangaroo · 23/09/2023 10:38

Just no. You are not free childcare and you are not the child's parent. I wonder if his ex did all the work when they were together and now he expects you to do all the work now you're together. There's is more to being a woman than doing all your own work plus anything a man can't be bothered to do.

Kimten · 23/09/2023 10:38

You're being used by your BF.
I hope that you can come to realise this.

Ditch the BF.
None of this is worth it.

QuizzlyBear · 23/09/2023 10:38

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Why should her BFs son expect to be part of OP's 'house' when they don't even live together?

Original poster
Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:38

BFs house is smaller which I feel he uses as an excuse not to host. I think we’ve all had a meal there once or twice, but that’s about it - he makes no attempt to accommodate me or my DCs so it is definitely creating a sense of unbalance.
My DCs are 11 and 15 - eldest is mostly out and about with his friends, etc so not that affected, but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/09/2023 10:40

What's his dad doing while you're parenting his child?

Daisymay2 · 23/09/2023 10:41

All the more reason for BF to host his DS at his house. Listen to your daughter. I bet she feels pushed out at her house when he is there.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/09/2023 10:41

BF’s son is only 8, he obviously feels like your house is home because that’s where he’s spending time with his dad. Are the things like doing crafts, having a patch of garden, helping himself to food/ drinks and TV etc things you’d expect your children to be able to do? He obviously doesn’t see himself as any different and that is a positive thing in terms of his wellbeing, he shouldn’t be made to tiptoe around the house as a guest when he is at what, in his eyes, is his Dad’s home. He’s too young to understand it’s your house or the dynamics of your BFs living arrangements. If this is a problem your BF needs to have family contact elsewhere but I don’t think his 8 year old son needs to change his behaviour when and if you do invite them to your house, he should feel comfortable in the place he sees his Dad.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/09/2023 10:42

He should be spending his contact weekends with his child at his own house surely?

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