Page 12 | It’s Not Your House…

Spaceofmyown · 2023-09-23T09:22:39+00:00

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere. Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together. However. Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

Panaa · 25/09/2023 14:35

Sleepo · 25/09/2023 14:32

passing on his cocklodging ways to the son

This is a disgusting way to talk about a young child.

Awful.....
with the 'cocklodging' ways being that he simply feels at home at the place where he spends time with his dad.

TGGreen · 25/09/2023 14:37

I think YABU to think this has anything to do with an 8yo, put the blame where it lies.

RecklessGoddess · 25/09/2023 14:39

That's why I said "exactly", her home is not his or his kid's, just like my parents home us not mine or my kid's!!

Panaa · 25/09/2023 14:56

RecklessGoddess · 25/09/2023 14:39

That's why I said "exactly", her home is not his or his kid's, just like my parents home us not mine or my kid's!!

I read the post you said 'exactly' too....and the OP had said my children wouldn’t go to anyone else’s house and assume they could take over parts of it, however well they knew the person or however comfortable they might feel - to me, it’s bad manners

This boy obviously sees it as his dads place........so I'm not sure why you're saying exactly. 😅

LdyPdy · 25/09/2023 14:59

I disagree with most people here, but to be fair I've never been in your position so I may be naive. However looking at it from my perspective, you've been with this person for 4 years, does their child not matter too? I would understand if it was 4 months together but it just seems odd to me that you don't love his child as you would your own. I understand that you don't want to create a space for him in your garden, you see him every other weekend, but to moan about providing food/cooking for him - surely you're cooking for the whole family anyway? If it's a financial worry, just ask your partner to do a shop for the weekend for the family to resolve it?

Branwells77 · 25/09/2023 15:05

Your BF is taking advantage of you completely, it’s supposed to be his time with his child instead this child has become your responsibility, explain to him that he needs to spend the weekends he has him at his place so they can spend time together as that is what he’s meant to be doing you could do something during the day go out somewhere but your BF needs to be responsible for his child not you it’s not fair on you or your children.

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 15:15

I think you're focusing on the amount of time rather than the reality of your DP being a bit useless. eg, if he's going to be there every weekend or every second weekend and broadly, everyone enjoys it, then you and your DP should be agreeing in advance what you might do - together, separately etc. DP should be ensuring that his son's preferred foods/snacks are available and purchased, in line with whatever he's happy with. Then, while they're there, Dp should be stepping up to take the lead on activities, parenting etc so that it's not all on you.

Panaa · 25/09/2023 15:28

LdyPdy · 25/09/2023 14:59

I disagree with most people here, but to be fair I've never been in your position so I may be naive. However looking at it from my perspective, you've been with this person for 4 years, does their child not matter too? I would understand if it was 4 months together but it just seems odd to me that you don't love his child as you would your own. I understand that you don't want to create a space for him in your garden, you see him every other weekend, but to moan about providing food/cooking for him - surely you're cooking for the whole family anyway? If it's a financial worry, just ask your partner to do a shop for the weekend for the family to resolve it?

It's odd to me too.
The dad is clearly lazy and uninvolved but I'm not sure a relationship would survive the OP trying to change arrangements now. The OP has been in the childs life for a few years, the boy has clearly made himself at home but now people think the dad should keep his child separate from the blended family? Bizarre.

It won't go down well with the dad, because the lazier and more entitled they are the more outraged they tend to get so I would imagine he'll be deeply offended on his own behalf and on his childs behalf. Would the relationship even survive that conversation I wonder?

And then there's the impact on the child.....sounds good for him to have one on one time with his dad and for his dad to step up, but would that be likely to happen and will it be a positive experience for the child? I doubt it.....so the child will feel pushed out.

Mamma2017 · 25/09/2023 15:31

So many men do this- when they have their kid (s) they spend most if that time at gf or if single at their mums so that they can avoid parenting, knowing that is women will do it. Iv seen it so often, lazy bastards.

cringelibrarian · 25/09/2023 15:34

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

Miri13 · 25/09/2023 15:36

BF is definitely taking advantage of you. It’s his child, he should be looking after him in his own house. Fine to meet up occasionally with child but it his responsibility not yours. He’s also confused this child by constantly bringing him over to yours. I’d have a conversation soon.

AliOlis · 25/09/2023 15:58

LdyPdy · 25/09/2023 14:59

I disagree with most people here, but to be fair I've never been in your position so I may be naive. However looking at it from my perspective, you've been with this person for 4 years, does their child not matter too? I would understand if it was 4 months together but it just seems odd to me that you don't love his child as you would your own. I understand that you don't want to create a space for him in your garden, you see him every other weekend, but to moan about providing food/cooking for him - surely you're cooking for the whole family anyway? If it's a financial worry, just ask your partner to do a shop for the weekend for the family to resolve it?

His Dad only sees him every other weekend; it's only recently they've both been spending that time at op's house.
Why would op love him like she loves her own children?!

Original poster

Spaceofmyown · 25/09/2023 17:49

@GingerIsBest thank you for your comments - this is probably a good take on what’s frustrating me in some part - the time together is never properly planned, so I’m having to try and stretch food that I’d meal planned, etc. and snacks / drinks that I’d accounted for, for DDs packed lunches the following week get used up.
This thread has really made me consider why the situation is making me more and more stressed, and I think it is because BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time), and my frustration has been misdirected.
BFs son can be a really nice kid, and we have spent lots of lovely time together. I think I have just become used to having slightly
older DC who are not so demanding of attention constantly, and who have now developed an appreciation of boundaries and have learnt manners and what might be realistic / appropriate in someone else’s home.
To be clear, BF and his son don’t stay here overnight, so I don’t think his son views / should view my home as his.
BF is not in a position for us to move into together, so this has never been up for discussion.
My DC know that, and I have discouraged them from seeing BF as a step parent figure. They both knew my BF from a sports group they all belonged to before we were dating.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2023 18:31

So will you sit him down for a chat about how things need to be in the future or are you just rethinking the whole thing?

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 18:38

@Spaceofmyown

This thread has really made me consider why the situation is making me more and more stressed, and I think it is because BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time)

Then you need to really spell it out to him OP. Whether he really does know and putting himself and his child first or he's just being oblivious, the results for you are the same. Whatever, he's become very comfortable with the current situation.

You've already started the rethinking process by asking him to give you some space this weekend (which he still tried to encroach on). Maybe it's time to take a deep breath and, if it's what you need, tell him you need a break/space to reconnect with what YOU and your children need from each other and let him parent his own child in his own space and time - and at his expense mentally and financially. 🌹

Berthatydfil · 25/09/2023 18:55

So he comes - messes up your meal plans, eats stuff earmarked for packed lunches, and doesn't think to contribute or replace these things. The entitlement is strong in this one isnt it?

Its possible he doesn't notice or its possible he doesn't care.

I think you need to tell him “ Fred when you drop in with Oliver do you know that I have to change about my meal plans and use extra food I hadn't planned to use also he eats snacks and other bits I had planned out for the children’s packed lunches for the coming week. This leaves me short, it affects my dc and it costs me extra to replace things. I havent said anything up to now as I was hoping you would have noticed but I really need to raise it with you now as with the cost of food etc I cant keep on doing it. “

PaminaMozart · 25/09/2023 19:01

I’m having to try and stretch food that I’d meal planned, etc. and snacks / drinks that I’d accounted for, for DDs packed lunches the following week get used up..... BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time),

Wow.

He cannot possibly be this oblivious, surely. Are you saying he doesn't contribute anything - nothing, zilch, nada?

If you add it up, I bet it comes to a sizeable sum. If he never reciprocates, he literally takes funds that ought to benefit your children.

Janey331 · 25/09/2023 19:34

airforsharon · 23/09/2023 10:32

Honestly? He's taking the easy option - for him - and appointed you chief entertainer, cook and cleaner. You don't live together, there's no reason for you to give up your home and free time eow to, effectively, parent his child.
It's great that you're forging a relationship with his ds, but why can't that happen at your partner's house? He's the parent after all.

100% this. As others have said, BFs DS is getting mixed messages. He feels like your home is also his now to some degree. As such, he is wanting to make his mark on it (he is clearly insecure, sadly).
All this, however, shouldn't be your problem. BF is getting the best of all worlds, you need to start pushing back and telling him how you feel. You are definitely not being unreasonable to insist that BF entertains his son at his, at least for every-other visit.

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 20:18

PaminaMozart · 25/09/2023 19:01

I’m having to try and stretch food that I’d meal planned, etc. and snacks / drinks that I’d accounted for, for DDs packed lunches the following week get used up..... BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time),

Wow.

He cannot possibly be this oblivious, surely. Are you saying he doesn't contribute anything - nothing, zilch, nada?

If you add it up, I bet it comes to a sizeable sum. If he never reciprocates, he literally takes funds that ought to benefit your children.

Yes, agree with this.

I mean, if I take the dc to a friend for a whole day, as a once off, I would take along a few bits and pieces, especially as my dd can be a bit fussy and ds has the appetite of a 23 year old professional rugby player!

Landladyissues · 25/09/2023 20:28

question . what does DS stand for and likewise, what does DC stand for?

anareen · 25/09/2023 20:32

Spaceofmyown · 25/09/2023 17:49

@GingerIsBest thank you for your comments - this is probably a good take on what’s frustrating me in some part - the time together is never properly planned, so I’m having to try and stretch food that I’d meal planned, etc. and snacks / drinks that I’d accounted for, for DDs packed lunches the following week get used up.
This thread has really made me consider why the situation is making me more and more stressed, and I think it is because BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time), and my frustration has been misdirected.
BFs son can be a really nice kid, and we have spent lots of lovely time together. I think I have just become used to having slightly
older DC who are not so demanding of attention constantly, and who have now developed an appreciation of boundaries and have learnt manners and what might be realistic / appropriate in someone else’s home.
To be clear, BF and his son don’t stay here overnight, so I don’t think his son views / should view my home as his.
BF is not in a position for us to move into together, so this has never been up for discussion.
My DC know that, and I have discouraged them from seeing BF as a step parent figure. They both knew my BF from a sports group they all belonged to before we were dating.

I think you have every right to be frustrated/upset with BF. I do agree that frustration has been misdirected to the child.

I can understand your views a little more on why you feel the child should not view your house as his home..... you are adamant about your children not seeing your BF as a step parent figure. It sounds like they are a bit older. I think that is a factor to why that is fair.

Are you expecting BF to implement the same view onto his child? His child is younger than yours, but also, I am curious to the thought process. If you are dating someone with a young child I understand not wanting to take on any roll like that right away but if you have decided to stay with that parter for 4 years I'm wondering what your expectations of the future are? Are you and BF on the same page as far as those views? You have been in this child's life since he was 4. That is quite young and I think expecting to not play a big role in that child's life especially after 4 years is a bit odd. It sounds to me like you are not into the "package deal" idea. You want to have a relationship with someone but at arms length almost? I am struggling to understand this thought process?

Serrina · 25/09/2023 21:22

BF is not in a position for us to move into together, so this has never been up for discussion

Is he long term unemployed by any chance?

T1Dmama · 25/09/2023 22:40

but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

I think this answers your question?!… why should be expect to not share his space yet demand areas of his as yours…

Personally I always think it’s sad when a dad only sees their kid 2 days out of 14 and can’t even spend it doing something on a 1:1 basis with them!! …. Could you maybe suggest to him that on a Saturday you meet them away from the house for a day trip somewhere, even if that’s just a picnic in the park or a walk etc…. Both pay for yourselves and your own DC…. And then have Sunday apart as a day of peace where the DC’s can have some down time / do homework etc ?!…..
Or I would buy your DC’s packed lunch snacks and put them away somewhere where they won’t be taken… tell BF that he’s welcome over but he needs to purchase and bring tea with him because you don’t have enough in the house for them both…. Give him a shopping list and tell him as you’re cooking and clearing up, he’s paying!! I think that’s only fair and you definitely need to set some boundaries…. I think having at least one of the days ‘off’ is reasonable…. And why shouldn’t he parent his own child?!

T1Dmama · 25/09/2023 22:41

Demand areas of yours as his that was meant to say

JST88 · 25/09/2023 22:51

Really feel so sad for this little boy. Imagine using him saying he’d like a little patch to plant some flowers in your garden as an example of him being irritating to you, he’s 8 years old. You’ve every right to feel tapped out, we all get like that as mothers but sounds like you dislike this little boy. If I thought for one second my little 8 year old boy was spending time with someone who was being irritated by him saying he’d like to plant some flowers or helping himself to some food or drinks he’d never be in your company again.