It’s Not Your House…

[Spaceofmyown]

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

Exactly this.

@forrestgreen is right. You are being an amazing substitute mother figure, you're doing so much. If a man was having his girlfriends kids over and cooking, cleaning and entertaining while the mum sat around doing little and enjoying the fruits of his labour they would be eviscerated on here. I mean we've already had the usual misogynistic step mother replies.

OP you need to put yourself and your own kids need first. It's telling that your boyfriend's child has the attitude of your kids resources are his to share, but his are his alone. He's got that from his dad.

Lots of divorced men get into relationships simply to offload the work of parenting I'm afraid.

Time for a firm chat.

This is one of the reasons I won't date again until my son is 18 I work all week and have my son all weekend, that's the only time I get to spend with him and it wouldn't be fair on any potential partner to give her what limited time I have

I won't repeat what most sensible posters have advised who are able to read and understand that the child is not your stepson at all.

You have been together four years. From what you have said I don't see his good qualities at all. He is a beyond lazy father and boyfriend. However I assume you may not want to LTB (this is my opinion on what you should do).

If you don't want to LTB then I would recommend putting in place boundaries. No more staying over at the weekend. Stop for the time being them coming round. Reset the expectations. You are free for a park trip, picnic (pack just for you and dc) cafe trip, museum, you get the idea. You all see each other then off you go on your separate ways for the weekend. This could be every other weekend. With the weekend inbetween being just for you and your dc to enjoy.

He is still a boyfriend after 4 years so you obviously don't wish to progress the relationship further. So you need to stop parenting his child for him on his weekends.

His Dad should be making him feel at home, as his house and be the parent. Too many men dump their children with the new girlfriend, so they have a easy time during contact. My ex son in law has done this twice, so my eldest GC now won't go and my DD won't let the children meet his latest girlfriend because he'll just cop out of being a parent.
OP I think some of the things that you've listed is actually quite nice, wanting a piece of the garden etc. However it should be his Dad doing the physical stuff. What does he say to f you suggest not meeting up on his weekend contact? Your DD is getting to an age were she'd like you to herself and will need a level of support in high school, so he needs to give you that space. Even in a bio family, children get one-on-one time for a day out.

He's using you as free childcare with all the trimmings.

If you don't want to take on someone elses kid, that's fair enough. It's definitely not for everyone.
In that case, dump BF.
If you don't want to dump BF, I think you have to accept they're a package deal.

But it's also worthy of a conversation. Explain to BF what you have here, that you're concerned about being the default parent, and BF needs to play a more active role in the parenting of said child when he's here.
And also, as you and BF aren't living together, then it's totally fine for you to say "I know you've got Tommy this weekend. That's fine, we'll catch up next week. I'm going to have some quiet time at home with just my lot." Presumably BF has his own home?!

"He is still a boyfriend after 4 years so you obviously don't wish to progress the relationship further. So you need to stop parenting his child for him on his weekends."

That isn't necessarily the case. It's fine to not subject your teens to a blended family and wait until they are adults to live together. Too many people are too quick to live together when they've both got children.

This does not all sound like it will bode well for the future. Your bf is taking the piss and I would not find this attractive.

I think if there are intentions to combine households further on you need to allow him to be treated same as your kids.

What does sound wrong is you are doing all the cooking and housework etc. If your DP is there all weekend, you are both not working etc he should be doing half end of. And sometimes be cooking for all of you etc. Only fair.

Your Dd needs quality time at weekends with you, these are the last couple of years before her time becomes more friend focussed. It is a big imposition that your weekends are geared to include an 8 year old. Does your Dd enjoy having an 8 year old around that isn’t a sibling? Also does your Ds go out to avoid being at home?

I think you know you're being taken advantage off which is why your fed up. However, you seem to be frustrated with the child when really it should be your boyfriend your angry with.

As others have pointed out, he's palmed his kid off on you. I'd also like to know how he reacted when you told him no to this weekend?

I'd tell him that you've already raised your children (at 11 & 15 they dont need as much looking after) and from now on he spends his contact weekends in his house. If he kicks up a fuss, be ready to fight your corner.

I personally think your OH should be spending his weekends with his son alone and then the other weekend with you. I think his son deserves quality one on one time with his dad.

I dont think the son is doing anything wrong, but I do find it interesting that you are irked by specifically him doing 8 year old things that suggest he's comfortable in your home when you already have your own DC. Surely the demand is there from your DC anyway, and you know how kids operate? It seems you have a problem specifically with him not being yours.

OH should be offering financial and practical help with both DCs whilst he's around. If he's not then you need to sort it out with him.

It is possible to date the adult without merging families.
It's his duty to make sure his son is aware that they are guests. He's taken the absolute piss and if I were OP I'd be scaling right back.

You really need to reset the whole situation. It is not your responsibility to house, pay for, cook, clean, nor provide for another adult's child. You are not married. You have chosen not to live together. You have not agreed to be a step parent. Your boyfriend is a CF and you need to have a blatant conversation with him about expectations.
My boyfriend doesn't live with me either. He has a child and I have older children and the whole 'blended family' leaves me cold. This is how we conduct our relationship: I have my partner and his son over once per week to ensure I maintain a good relationship with him. He is utterly adorable and I love spending time with him. The rest of the contact time, my boyfriend has him at his own house. Then partner comes to mine outside of that as it suits me/him. It gives a much nicer balance. I don't want to be a step parent; the boy has two very competent and involved parents already. I'm absolutely here to support him and take him on trips (just the two of us), have him when they can't and take him to appointments/clubs if his parents are busy. It works because there's little resentment. But did I have to fight to find those boundaries? Yes, a little but it was worth the conversations because our relationship is stronger for having a practical and workable solution.

Have you spoken to your partner about this? Do you think he just assumes you are happy with the arrangement? You need to speak up for yourself.

then your DD doesn't have to share things or space either.

TBH I'd suggest that when he has his DS he stays at his place, with his DS, and has father/son time. And you have a weekend off

They don't live together, they're not a blended family

I put YABU because you’ve let your BF use you as the family home, and if you didn’t want to do that, which is absolutely fine, then you should have put a stop to this. As the poor lad in the middle is getting very mixed signals that your home is his home, which is not OK for him.

This is probably one of those situations that has crept on you. He brought his ds over, and you didn’t mind hosting, playing, entertaining him etc.

However, the garden comment has made you take stock of the situation and made you realise that boundaries have been overstepped. Instead of being a (regular) guest in your home, he sees your house as a second (or third) home. Your bf expects you to entertain, rather than asking. He’s not necessarily abdicating his responsibilities, but assumes that everyone is happy with this arrangement, which has evolved over time.

Going forward, nothing wrong in having some time away from bf and ds, and maybe hosting once a month, rather than more regularly.

As others have said, it is good he feels comfortable in your home. Maybe you provide something his mother and father don’t. However, it’s your home, not his.

I started off thinking you were being a bit unfair and unwelcoming. Then I read on and realised you're being treated as the domestic drudge whilst he plays Disneyland Daddy. If he wants to use your home he should be cooking, cleaning and catering for you all to show his appreciation

He's not her step son. He is her boyfriends child. They are not married. She does not live with her boyfriend, he has his own house that he could have his son at.

BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here.

You're a fool for doing that in the 1st place. The kid's meant to be having contact time with his father not being waited on by his father's girlfriend.

He isn’t the man for you.

Personally I would never date a man with young kids - it has always been a deal breaker for me. I may be hypocritical but it’s a boundary for me. I see too many women used by lazy men to babysit the kid they couldn’t be arsed with until they realised it reduced maintenance (and then they stay at their girlfriends and use her food, electric, gas and water with no contribution made while she provides unpaid childcare).

Spend time with your kids and let him spend quality time alone with his child (as he should be doing anyway).

They don't live together. BF has his own home.

Seriously? Why doesn't he invite with her children to his house then? It's pretty obvious he wants to keep his own place tidy and not pay for anything to keep his children amused.

@Spaceofmyown

BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU?

No, you're not being unreasonable. Time your boyfriend took responsibility for caring 1:1 for his own son, without your involvement each time he has contact time with him. I would suggest larger gaps between seeing/looking after his son and focusing on your own children when you can relax and enjoy their company without the day to day drudgery whilst your boyfriend engages with his own son.

How did your boyfriend react when you needed more time and space at weekends to relax when you don't have to have his son in close quarters? 🌹