It’s Not Your House…

[Spaceofmyown]

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

FFS, read the OP's post properly. The only thing that is poor about this, is that the socalled father doesn't look after his own son on his access weekends.

Well that's exactly what this lazy man's doing to the ops children! He's not had them round to his house. Not made them feel welcome. And even worse encroached onto their OWN homes so they no longer feel welcome there too

And as everyone else has pointed out. He's not her step son. They don't even live together

How much does he contribute for all the food, hot water, toiletries et cetera that he consumes while he is at yours? How often does he take you out as a thank-you for all the free labour you provide?

It's actually your children I feel most sorry for as they seem to be missing out while you prioritize your boyfriend's needs.

He is using you as his support human. You need to also centre your DC needs and spend time with your DD alone. Your DD is about to hit puberty, it's a time when she'll also need some boundaries around changes with her body etc. your partner and his DS being there all the time is not good for her.

The little boy making himself at home when he's visiting is nice. You've clearly been very kind in your hosting and it's good that he feels comfortable. I don't think the boy needs to change his behaviour.

Your boyfriend on the other hand is being a CF. You're this child's dad's girlfriend, not a step parent. Your boyfriend is showing you now that he is lazy. Don't move in with him or move forward unless you're happy drifting into default parentnand housekeeper. It's a common pattern from a certain group of men.

Step away op. Your dd should ebbghw only dc you are entertaining
. He is one lazy bloody df isn't he? Make plans with dd next time. And hopefully he doesn't have a key..

Tell him to parent his own child in his own house and to spend his own money. He’s a cocklodger

At four years in, I've no idea why you're waiting on your boyfriend when he stays. He should be mucking in when he's visiting and certainly doing the parenting of his own son.

You're not unreasonable.
You will be unreasonable if, knowing what you already know, you go on to move in together with this man.

@Spaceofmyown how did Prince Charming react when you told him your free childcare was closed this weekend?

And I really want to echo the concerns of everyone for your daughter. This is her home. She has a right to feel comfortable there.

I wonder why his relationship with DS’s mother failed…

There are so many men out there who through a poor upbringing or sheer laziness will not parent their own children. You need to have a firm conversation with him around your expectations if he visits with his son RE food, entertainment etc. It’s not his DS’s fault and you should make that clear so he cannot accuse you of not liking his child. DP’s participation in parenting should be the focus of the conversation.

YANBU. The child sounds like a sweetie but essentially you're hosting playdates every second weekend without your children getting any benefit! I can't imagine your 11yo DD is thrilled about having an 8yo boy foisted on her or around her house so much.

Tbh I'd ditch the partner based on what you've said. He's clearly a user who exploits his partners for his own benefit (and possibly such is his sense of male entitlement that he's blind to the fact that he's doing this) so this is not a relationship I'd be wanting to pursue in your position.

This.

He needs to spend the time with his son at his own house spending quality time with this poor child who hardly every sees his dad.

I would be making him have his child in his own house on the weekends that he has him.
I wouldn't be seeing him on those weekends either.

This situation is of your boyfriend’s making, it’s not his son’s fault. He is spending those weekends with you because he knows the majority of the childcare, making the food, the entertaining will fall on you. He is entitled and lazy.

Make yourself less available. Does he just land at yours or ask first? Have plans, go out. Don’t let him treat you like a doormat.

BF sounds like a user and he’s trying to shift parenting duties to you. I’d be booking some weekend activities without him and trying to break the cycle. It’s not his child’s fault to view your house as home if he’s there every weekend. The blame is with your BF for being cheeky and you for not setting boundaries.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

You've got yourself a part-time cock-lodger+sprog right there. Poor sprog knows no better and is acting as a cheeky fucker cos he's not being taught any better.
Bf is taking the piss though.

It would be interesting to know how your BF reacted to being denied access to his unpaid nanny this weekend.

More fool for accepting it. You should start saying No and tell him to host his own son in his own house.

Yes he has smoothly passed the buck to you regarding the care of his son, the crafty, lazy sod.
EOW is based at his home, not yours. That's the way going forward. Nothing wrong with meeting up to be social during that time if you like...but your bf feeds, pays for, accommodates and entertains his son himself.
If he kicks back accusing you of being horrid, you'll know the fucker has to go.
Good luck.

Get your plans to be busy with your own family for the following weekends.
Be unavailable.
Better yet, discuss the issues with your bf by telling him you want some weekends for yourself, as you said.

Could you strike a deal where your boyfriend hosts his own son at his own house every second visit and invites you over for a meal..

Children are always the ones that suffer when their parents get new partners

Tell him you've already done eight year olds (yours) and it's his turn now. Which it is.

The child isn’t really the problem here, it’s his father who is being wilfully rubbish and not actually parenting. In one sense it’s nice the kid feels so at home at your house but that’s in part because his dad has made you the co-parent apparently against your will, or at least without discussing it with you first. Sneaky, lazy bastard. You need to take a stand with your boyfriend.

Tell himmyou want some weekends with your own dcs without bf and his ds around and make sure uts the weekends when he has his son. He's taking the piss. If his dc says about the garden, explain that he has his own home for that (if both parents have gardens) and your garden belongs to your dc.
Your bf needs to to step up and parent his own dc and clear up after him too. Don't do any craft things when he's there. His own mum can do that with him. Keep crafts for your dd wants to do them. Craft stuff is the worst to clean up after!